BOFH: Printer's festive bips herald a merry mystery for the Boss's budget
- Reference: 1734694327
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2024/12/20/bofh_2024_episode_24/
- Source link:
"It's just the Director and myself," the Boss burbles. "Oh, and the HR and Finance Directors, because they wanted a lunch with us, so we thought we'd kill two birds with one stone."
... or two sysadmins with one inexpensive curry ...
[1]
"What day is that?" I ask.
[2]
[3]
"Monday."
"Oh," I say sadly, "Monday we're running through the DR testing procedures – you know, running the generators on load, testing the bypass switches on each of the UPS units, then load testing the UPS units themselves. It takes most of the day."
[4]
"What about Tuesday?"
"Christmas Eve, we're taking snapshots of all the system images, delivering them to offsite storage and then retrieving the oldest set of images from offsite storage and erasing them," I lie – because neither the PFY nor myself plan on coming in at all next week.
"Aren't we having a departmental lunch today?" the PFY asks.
[5]
The Boss isn't popular in the department – after adopting an insane suggestion to use AI to send a personal email to each of the IT staff by using the personal information stored in the HR database. Totally insane. I have no idea why the PFY made it in the first place.
It turned out that the personal information in the HR database has very dated information about partners, next of kin, and so on – many of whom are no longer with us. Or them. What the HR database DID have up to date information on, though, was outstanding personal grievances, performance issues, and reasons why people weren't recommended for pay increases.
Needless to say, the personal email messages made for interesting reading. No doubt the Boss's HR file has filled up dramatically in the past day.
Meantime, he's trying to win back favor with the office with a team lunch. But with no drinking. And everyone then going back to their office and working until 5. The PFY and I pointed out that cheap sandwiches and a glass of dilute cordial was a step in the wrong direction, but the Boss was not to be dissuaded. However, in the past few hours, I think he's sensing the Doppler effect of impending anger, and wants to head that off with a couple of human sacrifices (the PFY and myself) on whom he can blame everything.
Our offer to improve morale with the annual game of "Murder in the dark" has been rejected – even when I said the PFY would be on lights this year.
Speaking of annual games, the Boss has been informed about our (alleged) history of funding Xmas drinks at the expense of the company and has moved his work credit card from his poorly protected wallet onto a lanyard around his neck, where its absence would be noted in an instant.
"I could check my calendar to see if I have some free time?" I suggest, heading back to Mission Control.
...
"Mind the printer," I warn the Boss as we squeeze through the space left in the corridor by an ancient printer almost completely blocking the hallway.
>bip<
"Let's see," I say, bringing up my calendar. "What about 2 this afternoon? I could manage PM?"
"PM should be fine," the Boss says, leaving the office quite pleased with himself.
>bip<
"Oh!" I call out moments later when he's all but out of the corridor "I forgot, we've got a Teams meeting about next year's budget at 2."
"What about 2:15?" the Boss asks.
"I dunno, I'd have to check my diary."
The Boss trundles back up the corridor, squeezing past the ancient printer once more.
>bip<
"2:15's fine," I say moments later, at which the Boss nods and heads back out of the office.
>bip<
... five minutes later ...
>bip<
I look up to see the Boss entering the office.
"Is there something wrong with the internet?" he asks.
"Hmmmmm," I say, turning his network port back on again. "Not that I can see. Are your cables plugged in properly?"
>bip<
... five minutes later he's back ...
>bip<
"Why's the printer beeping?" he asks.
[6]BOFH : Don't sell The Boss a firewall. Sell him The Dream
[7]BOFH : The devil's in the contract details
[8]BOFH : Don't threaten us with a good time – ensure it
[9]BOFH : The Boss pulled the plug on our AI, so we pulled the pin on him
"A battery failure error. A guy's coming to collect it next week."
"Right. I... just saw you cancelled the budget Teams meeting and then moved our meeting till 4?" he says.
"Oh yeah."
"But earlier you said you were going home at 4?"
"Ah yes, my mistake. Wouldn't want to miss that. Shall we make it at 2 then?"
"Yes, that will be fine."
"OK, I'll just check my diary."
"There's nothing in your diary. You deleted the Teams meeting."
"Oh right. PM it is then."
"OK."
>bip<
I make a meeting, but for PM. Greenland time, i.e. 15 minutes ago.
>bip<
"You made the meeting for midday!" the Boss says.
"Oh, you know what, I think I had my time zone set to Greenland," I lie. "There, fixed."
"Why would you set your t-" the Boss asks, before realizing that this is time he'll never get back.
>bip<
When he's gone, I switch his network port off again.
... a couple of >bips< later ...
By my calculation, the Boss has now made 12 contactless payments of 100 quid to the pub across the road via the reader in our wall, so I move our meeting time zone to Karachi in an attempt to round it to an even 1,500 quid, before getting the PFY to report the Boss's transgressions to the heads of HR and beancounting.
Shortly after that, I get an email from them saying that the PFY and I will not be required at the meeting after all.
I set building time to PM and turn our core router off, but some staff have anticipated this event and beaten the PFY and myself there. Quite a lot of staff, as it happens.
I message the Boss and tell him that a courier dropped a present off for him on my desk – just for a couple more >bips<.
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Re: "By my calculation, the Boss has now made 12 contactless payments of 100 quid"
Sheer genius. I knew the "bips" must be significant, but I didn't see this one coming
Finishing the year off in style.
Not until that 1500 quid party across the street happens.
I wonder why no-one has thought to insert automatic card readers into turnstyles, revolving doors, or transit seats.
With credit statements filling up with micro-payments how many would notice a random few quid every so often AND then chase down where it happened?
Because that isn't the end with the security. The payment processor will notice the suspicious transactions and block pay-outs. Even with less obviously suspicious transactions, it's unlikely you'd be able to get enough to be worthwhile, there's a fairly lengthy delay before pay-out which would give people a chance to notice they've been charged (at which point, multiple complaints of fraud will result in the whole account being blocked until it's resolved), and this all has to be done having given the payment processor some very good proof of ID.
So, basically, if you're ever in a position to do it and get away with the money - say, having stolen a terminal and the account details for a legit business - you'd be in a position to do some much more lucrative stuff without even needing the card terminal.
Are you sure they've not?
You can make an RFID hoop big enough to drive a lorry through, if you need to. It will read lots of tags at the same time, too. It just depends on how industrial a decoder you want to pay for.
Going Underground (London)
Implemented in London for some years now.
"Using a contactless payment card is almost identical to using an Oyster card. You simply swipe your card at the ticket barriers just like an Oyster card."
1500 quid? That'll barely pay the PFY's bar tab, never mind Simon's! Besides, how can you have a party without Onion Bahjis?
Bahjis are pre-ordered on the same account.
Pubs will happily cater for good customers.
They would walk right past one that didn't.
I (sort of) miss the office Xmas party
But only 'sort of'. I hated doing the tie and jacket stuff, and never enjoyed being with a bunch of folks that I hardly even met - who were already half pissed when they arrived.
Clearly the BOFH has a similar view - known buddies only.
The true BOFH Xmas spirit ...
I will raise a glass to that.
I also love the crafty use of AI coupled to the HR database.
Christmas party
I asked when the Staff Christmas Party was at my local supermarket - on the basis that I've had to use the self-service till all year to scan my purchases.
(The alternative to doing the checkout staff job for them is to face long queues for the till that is serviced by a staff member.)
There was certainly no "Ho Ho Ho" from the staff member I asked!
(Oh and before you ask, there were no price reductions on the basis that fewer staff were required when self-service tills were introduced.)
Re: Christmas party
Our local supermarket has solved that. Their new upgraded self-serve spend so much time popping up offers for loyalty cards, Marvel movie tie-ins, mortgages, car insurance etc. And then when you pay it offers you pages of options, where credit card is on the 2nd screen.
It's quicker to queue up for the bored teenager on the till
Re: Christmas party
You should try going to a supermarket where they don't expect most of their customers to shoplift, and so let you scan your stuff as you walk around. Infinitely preferable to queuing up at the till behind some oldie who questions every scanned item, and then gets surprised at the end when they're asked to pay.
Re: Christmas party
"There was certainly no "Ho Ho Ho" from the staff member I asked!"
You don't say.
'Hi, I'm Caver_Dave, and I inflict terrible old jokes on minimum wage retail staff at their busiest time of year, and expect them to laugh'...
"By my calculation, the Boss has now made 12 contactless payments of 100 quid"
I did not see that one: I was assuming there was a window/printer/boss exception coming :-)
Good work, Simon - and have one of these for entertaining us all for the last year!