BOFH: Don't sell The Boss a firewall. Sell him The Dream
- Reference: 1734080414
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2024/12/13/bofh_2024_episode_23/
- Source link:
"I'm just writing the business case to replace the firewall," he says. "The Boss wants a business justification."
"And you don't want to just buy it under the guise of IT consumables?"
[1]
"No, I thought we said we were going to do things above board so that we'd get more trust and buy-in from upper management, which would make our work easier?"
[2]
[3]
"Oh yes, that's right. So in your business case you mentioned the moveable feast of online security?"
"Yes."
[4]
"The threat of a zero-day, zero-hour, or zero-minute attacks?"
"Uh-huh."
"That in the new world of AI, total exploitation could happen, not in the time it takes to have a coffee, but in the time it takes to think about having a coffee?"
[5]
"Yes."
"And that the business interruption alone would cost the Company, oh, I dunno, millions."
"I've said all that," the PFY sighs.
"What about human sacrifice; dogs and cats living together?" I ask.
"He says that as a business case it isn't complete and is just a list of negatives. He says we need some positives to put before the board."
"Ah. So he wants a sales pitch?"
"What's the difference?"
"A business case is a dry document proposing some necessary item, whereas a sales pitch is where you sell The Dream ."
"What dream? The dream of a new firewall?"
"No, just The Dream ."
"Oh, you mean The Dream ?" the PFY says, with just a hint of sarcasm.
"Indeed. The Dream – where everything works perfectly, everyone loves you and thinks you're great for approving this project. The Dream – where people know there are bad guys out there, but they can't get in because you bought that fantastic firewall that will save everyone from everything, fix global warming, and bring about world peace."
"I think that's a bit of a stretch," the PFY comments.
"Yes, yes, but you need to add a bit of idea-fertilizer – things that the board thinks they understand."
"Which are?"
"Well, first off, you need a light dusting of the chicken manure of sales – where you talk about enhanced security and reliability which will upscale the trust of our clients – which will obviously mean more sales."
"Will it?"
"Course not. Our customers couldn't care less what type of firewall we have – unless they found out we had NO firewall, which might make them a little cautious when tapping in their credit card details. No, that, as I said, is a light dusting. You follow that up with a pre-treatment application of organic factual compost and explain that with more sales come higher share prices, and with higher share prices there will undoubtedly be higher bonuses."
"Well, I can see why we might want to point..."
"But that is just the beginning!" I interrupt.
"?" the PFY asks.
"Someone with bonus money could be a person of influence. With the Company's success would come offers of more lucrative positions on the boards of other companies – bigger companies, better companies, companies that have larger bonuses."
[6]BOFH : The devil's in the contract details
[7]BOFH : Don't threaten us with a good time – ensure it
[8]BOFH : The Boss pulled the plug on our AI, so we pulled the pin on him
[9]BOFH : Boss's quest for AI-generated program ends where it should've begun
"Right, got you."
"Not even slightly – we're selling The Dream here. We need to back the dump truck of male bovine excrement and imply that with all those board positions one would have an active social life as well. You'll meet other people of influence and rise up the food chain into the world of pop culture, where you will be lauded for your business acumen. You'll be interviewed on TV for your opinion – all because you bought that new firewall all those years ago. You will be a celebrity."
"I think you're drawing a rather long bow there."
"Yes, but this is The Dream – used by real estate agents and car salespeople the world over. You're not buying a new house or a new car, you're buying the intangibles that will surely follow your purchase – the happy family, the respect and envy of your peers, the comfort of money well spent. You're buying the happy ending. No real estate agent's going to mention the crippling debt you just signed up for when – unbeknownst to you – your job is about to be disestablished, and no car salesman is going to point out that the finance rate is so extortionate you may as well fill the vehicle with cash and set it on fire. They're selling The Dream ."
"So let me see if I get this. I need to tell a story that has nothing at all to do with the problem I'm trying to solve. I need to make it all about the people involved and nothing about the issues?"
"Exactly."
"And you think we'll get a new firewall out of it?"
"I do. In fact, I think it arrived yesterday?"
"?!"
"Oh, I ordered 120 'backup tapes' last week."
"But you said we were going to do things above board so that we'd get more trust and buy-in from upper management, which would make our work easier?"
"Yeah. I certainly sold a dream there."
...
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Firewall or AI
Could be talking about AI as far as I am concerned
Re: Firewall or AI
That's the beauty: The Dream works system agnostic and is indeed truely scalable and can be deployed through an agile CI/CD process, making full use of the containerisation (the containers are likely... card board boxes full of the bovine output).
idea-fertilizer
From manure to brilliance.
Only available in Dreams.
That reminds me of "The Plan"
The Plan
In the beginning, there was a plan,
And then came the assumptions,
And the assumptions were without form,
And the plan without substance,
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers,
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it stinks."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pile of dung, and we cannot live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plants growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour
Of the company With very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan
And saw that it was good,
And the Plan became Policy.
And this, my friend, is how shit happens.
Re: That reminds me of "The Plan"
I've just looked this up in my File System, and my instance of "The Plan" is dated June 1996.
I wonder when it was actually written?
Re: That reminds me of "The Plan"
And that, my friend, is brilliant!
Stolen!
"organic factual compost"
Sheer genius, especially after the amuse gueule of " a light dusting of the chicken manure of sales ", and " the dump truck of male bovine excrement " as main course.
Superb episode, once again
The Dream
This story illustrates the essential difference between the Thames Valley and Silicon Valley. If you can sell The Dream in the Thames Valley you get a new box with flashing lights to put in your hardware cabinet. If you can sell The Dream in Silicon Valley you get $500 million in VC funds to create an AI powered crypto marketplace in the metaverse.
A lovely BOFH Christmas present!
Ahh, as good as the PFY gets, he is still a long way from becoming a master!