BOFH: What a beautiful tinfoil hat, Boss!
- Reference: 1693558807
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2023/09/01/bofh_2023_episode_17/
- Source link:
This guy, however, may actually be the biggest idiot in the building – and he's up against some fairly stiff competition. Not only has he no IT experience, he also seems to be on a one-man crusade to prove the Dunning-Kruger effect.
"I just need a hand to install my emission blocker," he says.
[1]
"Your … emission blocker?"
[2]
[3]
"Yes, against the harmful radiation."
"What harmful radiation?" the PFY asks, looking around warily.
[4]
"The blue light and EMF from my monitor."
"That's not a thing," I say.
"It is!" he insists. "They've proved it. Blue light can affect your sleep."
[5]
"Perhaps you should sleep at home then?" I suggest. "Or with lights off?"
"Blue light is pretty harmful," he repeats.
"Yes, I've heard the UN is taking it up with the inventor of the sky," I counter.
"IT'S SCIENTIFIC!!!"
"I don't think it is," the PFY offers dubiously.
"I consulted a health professional before I took this job. He looked at the office and recommended blocker screens, a negative ion generator, a Himalayan salt lamp and an ionic air purifier."
"And by 'health professional' you mean 'New Age retailer'?" I ask.
"He's a SCIENTIST! He's got a doctorate!"
"From an 'online university' operating out of a van on blocks in some waste ground in the middle of Eastern Europe?" the PFY suggests. "The one with the coursework requirement of sending cash in the mail? If so, that's where I got my MEng with honors in defenestration."
"He also recommended installing yellow/green light blockers on our fluorescent lamps."
"Yellow/green blockers that he happened to be selling?" I ask.
"It's a Health and Safety thing. What could be worse than prolonged exposure to an inhospitable workplace environment?"
…
"How long have you got?" I ask. "Running into a half open door when exiting a poorly lit office – because we blocked out all the bad colors – during a fire alarm."
"Powering into the corner of a desk in the dark and spilling hot coffee on yourself?" the PFY adds.
"I think people are more careful than that," the Boss sniffs.
"Not our people," the PFY says, "they're a bunch of idiots."
"I doubt that," the Boss says.
"One of them once tripped over a mat while putting up a sign warning people about tripping over the mat."
"That would be the exception rather than the rule."
"Several exceptions. The next person tripped over the mat coming to the aid of the person who tripped over the mat while putting up the sign about the mat."
"Yes, well these things happen."
"Would you like to hear about the third and fourth people who tripped over the mat?"
"I think I've got the gist of it."
"Ironically, the fifth person was the Health and Safety rep."
"Yes, yes, but that just goes to show that we have some serious mat issues."
"We didn't have any mat issues until they put the sign up. It was wobbly, so they put it under the edge of the mat to stop it falling over."
…
"Everyone sees with 20/20 hindsight," the Boss sighs.
"Not our people. They got a heavier sign and someone tripped over it and so they put up a second sign to warn about the first sign," the PFY says. "Idiots."
"But it worked itself out?"
"I put the mat in the bin and sold the signs to a scrappy, along with some other office rubbish."
… Ten minutes later at Mission Control …
"Where's my chair gone?"
"Oh, that was some of the office rubbish I sold to the scrappy," I say.
"How am I supposed to work without a chair?"
"You asked for a standing desk."
"Yes, but I don't want to stand all the time!"
"Oh right, that wasn't clear. So you do want a chair?"
"Of course."
"Right, so, do you want a carbon neutral unit? Or do you want a brand-new one – brimming with arguably harmful VOCs?"
"I … uh … the carbon neutral."
"Great choice! I know a scrappy who can source one of them for you at a good price. Now, do you need your desk adjusted?"
"I … maybe?"
… Two minutes later …
"I just thought I'd stop by on the way back from getting myself a cup of tea" the Boss lies – Mission Control being nowhere near the water boiler – "My lights don't seem to be working."
…
"Yes, I had my assistant remove them. What with the blue, yellow and green light issues I thought it'd be best to remove them altogether and not chance the red."
"Ah. I couldn't help noticing …"
"That your monitor isn't emitting harmful radiation either?" I suggest.
"Not exactly …"
"I had my assistant replace it with a broken one. Safe as houses."
"Safer even!" the PFY adds "The power lead is in your drawer."
"But we did find you a chair!" I say.
[6]BOFH : Zen and the art of battery replacement
[7]BOFH : Their bright orange plumage warns other species, 'Back off! I'm dangerous!'
[8]BOFH : Elf of Safety? Orc of Admin. Pleased to meet you
[9]BOFH : Free as in free beer or... Oh. 'Free Upgrade'
The Boss wanders off in a vaguely disillusioned manner, while the PFY readies a cigarette lighter under the smoke detector …
>Jangle!<
>crash!<
"That'll be the half open door," the PFY says.
>thud!<
"The desk" he adds.
>aaaagh!<
"And … the boiling hot coffee."
"Probably can't get a blocker for that …" I comment.
[10]BOFH: The whole shebang
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
Get our [12]Tech Resources
[1] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2ZPG2Q0bFYr6@9hZkNEJJ7QAAA0w&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
[2] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44ZPG2Q0bFYr6@9hZkNEJJ7QAAA0w&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[3] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33ZPG2Q0bFYr6@9hZkNEJJ7QAAA0w&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[4] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44ZPG2Q0bFYr6@9hZkNEJJ7QAAA0w&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[5] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33ZPG2Q0bFYr6@9hZkNEJJ7QAAA0w&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[6] https://www.theregister.com/2023/08/18/bofh_2023_episode_16/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2018/05/25/bofh_2018_episode_9/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2017/02/24/bofh_2017_episode_2/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2016/07/22/bofh_2016_episode_10/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
[11] http://www.bofharchive.com/
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
Re: Blockers
The crease will have no detriment to the effectiveness of the TFH.
Though I do have a new one to sell you, and this nice bridge...
Re: Blockers
"I have sat on my tinfoil hat and there is a large crease in it. Anyone know if that affects it's ability to block, well, everything?"
Definitely. You should bin it immediately, as its refractive wavelength will now be in the danger zone.
Send me a PM and I can sort you a far better-quality replacement at a very reasonable price.
Re: Blockers
ahh..
Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses have been designed to help people develop a relaxed attitude to danger. They follow the principle "what you don't know can't hurt you" and turn completely dark and opaque at the first sign of danger. This prevents you from seeing anything that might alarm you. This does, however, mean that you see absolutely nothing, including where you're going.
Draws them through the Multiverse
Simon has been reading the Laundry files again....
Re: Draws them through the Multiverse
Joke aside: that series is a great read.
I need --->
Re: I need --->
--- to replace that knackered old Sinclair cattle prod with a nice new Steelpillow basilisk gun?
I took one in to work the other day to show the boss. He gave me such a look. talk about stony-faced!
Ah, art imitates life.
I was once doing some desktop support at a customer's office (fixing Outlook iirc), and I'd got as far as the desk of one of the PR people who wasn't there at that moment, giving me the opportunity to get my work done without distractions. However, as soon as I tried to use the mouse, I found a problem. Someone had sellotaped a two pence coin to the bottom of the mouse, meaning the optical sensor only worked intermittently. I pulled it off, and got on with my work. As I was finishing up, the user came wandering back to their desk, chatting away on a mobile phone the whole way. I outlined the work I'd done, and mentioned that 'someone' had stuck a coin to the bottom of the mouse. They replied that they had done it "so that the copper would protect me from the harmful electromagnetic radiation".
I looked at them, the mobile phone still up by their ear, the copper-coated steel coin, and just politely suggested that if they were worried about EM radiation, they should probably close their curtains* and walked off, heroically resiting the urge to either laugh in their face or start crying at the state of the world.
Honestly, that level of ignorance would probably come across as 'unrealistic' if Simon included it in a BOfH story.
* After all, the sun produces an enormous amount of harmful UV radiation. It's certainly the most dangerous electromagnetic radiation that most people encounter on a daily basis.
Blockers
I seem to recall that The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy had a pair of glasses that became opaque at the first sign of danger.
Not conducive to a long life span, but then everything these days seems to be bad for us.
Doh, I have sat on my tinfoil hat and there is a large crease in it. Anyone know if that affects it's ability to block, well, everything?