Well, that'll be the lesson not to use one's name as a unique key in the fine database. You might fail to collect...

Names are a bloody nightmare. In the wilder shores of say social services you have clients who have multiple names for fraud, multiple names because they are trying to hide from abusers and other bad guys, multiple names because they are abusers and bad guys, multiple names for living multiple lives, multiple names as a symptom of metal health issues, multiple names because they just fancy it... When you've been there and see it in action its easy to understand why bureaucrats are so damn keen on ID cards and the like: its not so much some conspiracy to control the people, its much more that having a genuine validated unique key would make things so much easier. I suspect that they tend to underestimate how well the bad actors would be able to compromise an ID system, but I guess they figure that even a partial improvement would be worthwhile.

Who needs a central database - we have cryptographic signatures.

An ID doesn't have to be stored centrally with other data to be a validated and useful "single" ID, it can simply be signed, and that signature verified on use.

The last time the bureaucrats tried to introduce ID cards here, I was told I'd need 2 of them, which I thought sort of defeated the object of the exercise.

I am known by my second name and sign with that. Banks hate this but it seems to be a very English thing and I am not. (Think Fredrick Brian Bloggs known as Brian).

As the cards would be issued by a very southern system, I would be very likely to have problems. I have already had comments on money laundering from banks and suggestions that my signature was redesigned to cover up some sort of dodgy past.

What would I be accused of with that?

Names are a nightmare..

A few years ago, for work, I had to create a small system to enable users to download software. The providers (mainly Oracle) required that we track who made the downloads, including physical addresses. For security reasons, I was not allowed to tap into any existing systems, beyond Active Directory (which was purely used for authorisation). So, I built up a small website that when a given user signed in, they could download any software they were entitled to, and the system would ask for any details required by the publisher. The site worked well, until we had a student with a long name. The system stored the Fore and Surnames separately, so I thought allocating 30 characters for each would be more than enough. No. It wasn't. A user complained he wasn't able to enter his name in the system, so I went and had a look. Both his Fore and Surnames were longer than 50 characters, and he refused to use a shortened version. So, I quietly altered the table to accept 100 character names, obviously updating the web page check..

In that user's shoes - if I'd had to memorise two 50-character long names from a young age, I'd either go by initials or use them ALL THE TIME.

Also, multiple names due to having a married and professional name, or a stage name, of for cultural reasons like picking a name that mono-lingual Brits can pronounce.

When building such a database about ten years back, we used incident references as unique keys, rather than tying to an individual.

Often the problem was that the individual was not who they claimed to be, so it made a lot more sense to, system-side, do the comparisons to known fraudulent incidents and leave questions like "are these all the same guy" to law enforcement or legal. We just needed to know if a new applicant looked like a known bad actor so humans could look closer.

It doesn't have to be the unique key for this to happen, all it needs is for the system to 'smartly' match an entry to an existing identical record linked to a unique key.

Key = 67, Name = "John Smith" - therefore if Name == "John Smith" then Key = 67

Many years ago, I worked at a UK university for several years. When my fixed-term contract ended, I moved on, but after a couple of months, I started receiving forwarded letters and journals for another David Harper who still worked at the university, but in an entirely different department. I contacted him to let him know about the screw-up. He told me that wasn't the worst of it. When I left, they stopped paying his salary as well as mine. It seems the HR department had deleted all the David Harpers on the payroll, just to be on the safe side.

There's nothing so simple that it can't be screwed up by HR.

Yes, but it gets idiotic when they then even automate their screwups.

We need specialised people to work in IT security, and I now have had multiple instances whene I was working for large companies and had to remove HR from the selection process as they only looked at tickboxes like degree status and certifications - you know, the systems where you need to answer reams of questionnaires? Not only did that limit the selection to the people who knew how to play that game, it diligently filtered out exactly the oddballs you need to do the job well - the ones that learn lockpicking just because it's technically interesting, or have at least two separate computers at home to experiment with. To find these people you need to be able to read between the lines - the hacker dictum "it takes one to know one" still applies to this day.

Once I had ALL the CVs I could start weeding myself and have the shortlist vetted - and in every case the right people were filtered out early on, with the most ridiculous argment that the person "would not fit the culture". In a company that was wall to wall developers..

But automatic screw-ups are so much more efficient than manual ones. Besides, manual screw-ups are so last century, although they can be lovingly tailored to each individual victim

I do appreciate an artisanal, bespoke screw-up, tailored to my exact circumstances by expert screwsmiths.

At one place one of my friends worked at, they used to say HR stood for 'Human Remains'. Always made me chuckle.

I worked for a research company in IT support. One month I checked my balance and thought "Hmm. Ive spent a lot since payday that was 5 days ago" so I went in to the bank and asked for a mini statement which they duly provided. I could identify every payment going out, but it took me a couple of minutes to realise that nothing had gone in.

I went back to site and straight up to HR. They brought up my details on their system (all based around a system with a 3 letter name akin to what you get out of plants) and said "That's all there. Name correct. Address right. Can't see anything wrong". At this point I piped up and said "That's not my bank account"

Another employee had changed banks and informed HR. They changed their details which, for some reason, also updated mine. He got his and my (considerably less) pay. Confusingly, we had completely different names, different nationalities, and worked in completely different departments.

It took them a few days to get money to me. No idea how long it took them to get the excess back from him though

It's easier to recover money from people you're actively paying regularly.

I used to work in a recovery team that handled that sort of thing - chances are they got it back very quickly by just paying them less the next month or two.

The problem is when they leave the company and stop replying to your emails. Former employees can be really tough debtors, and - not that I'm recommending trying it - are one that's _relatively_ likely to get written off if it's the company's screwup.

paying them less the next month or two.

Where are you? We still have laws about that in the UK.

Oh, sure, you'd have to agree it with them, you can't do it unilaterally.

I am aware of a company that had this exact issue (hence the Anon). A change to some of the back-end systems identified an issue whereby a number of people who had left the company were still being paid. While they immediately stopped the payments it was decided that the bad press around chasing people to recover the payments would have had more impact that the 'lost' money. Admitting in court that you did not have proper control of your finances is never a good look and tends to makes customers think twice.

I got off a flight to the US where someone else had my very common name was apparently also on my flight. US immigration processed him as me.

When I turned up, I quickly had guns pointed at my head because it was MY FAULT that they had processed someone with a different passport etc incorrectly.

I was taken to a private room to be yelled at for a while and told things about US policy which were patent fabrications. What a time to be alive.

Posting from Guantanamo.

I used to have a job that required me to visit a range of North Sea oil and gas platforms. To be allowed to go, I had to go through a range of helicopter, survival and firefighting courses, plus regular medicals and inductions (the platforms were owned and operated by different companies, so I had to be certified for them all). The one common system was the database on which everyone had to be registered, showing all the various certifications, etc. one of the key drivers behind the system was to ensure staff and contractors (of which there were thousands) took the necessary breaks between offshore tours; some people were known to arrive back from installation to travel to another the next day - breaks were mandated to try and minimise tiredness and compliance with working hours regulations. But extra trips meant extra money for some.

When checking in at a heliport your ID card was scanned and you were shown a screen with your details to verify. On one trip, the screen displayed those for someone else with the same name as mine - whoever had processed my trip hadn’t checked properly. Naturally, I wasn’t cleared for the flight. A call to their office (pointing out that, if I didn’t get to their platform they risked being shut down) and I was quickly added to the manifest and we all took off, almost on schedule.

After arriving on the platform and going through the necessary familiarisation induction, I started work, which happened to be in the main control room. A call went out over the tannoy asking for me to report immediately to the control room. I made myself known, only to be told it wasn’t me they wanted - my namesake turned up a few minutes later. We shared a joke but then agreed that the system I described above needed a complaint raised as it had happily allowed him to be booked for a second trip when he was already offshore. We did wonder how much we could have earned by not reporting the fault and selling the workaround - but we both recognised why the system was needed.

Anon, even though the incident was a couple decades ago…

In my experience, US Immigration have zero tolerance for humour.

Took an ex to NY for her Birthday, Immigration Officer looks at our passports and asks the purpose of our visit.

"Its for a Birthday."

"Whose Birthday, Sir?"

"Well you have the passports, you tell me."

You could have frozen the River Taff with the resultant stare.

Reminds me of a friend, way back in the day, who nearly got stuck in US immigration because the guy doing the paperwork couldn't get his head around the nationalities not matching.

"You say you're from 'Wales', sir, but your passport says you're from Britain. Which is it?"

Never. Ever. Attempt. Humour. At. Immigration.

A friend of mine, around 2008ish, tried and failed to book a holiday several times, because his son's name was on the US federal No Fly List.

His son was 2.

the workaround, which I believe he still uses, is to bok plane tickets using the kid's middle name instead of his first.

Odd Title, you getting anything else from Bunnings for the garden?

I hope the writer puts up a poll and lets us vote on other items for their garden.

That'd be a fun way to spend a Friday afternoon.

At least it's not hardcore-nunporn.com/sexy-latex-nun-threesome-with-two-robots.mp4

I think Simon was looking at some nice cable ties - bunnings.com.au/crescent-200-x-4-6mm-natural-cable-ties-100-pack_p4431196 Premium ones at that too!

I used to get stopped at US security every time because a UK citizen with the same name as me once committed a crime across the pond.

Usually it was dealt with quickly, but a few times it was a couple of hours in the security area while things got sorted.

I later applied for and got a 10 year visa to sort it, and while I was going through the interview process the interviewer noticed how many times I'd been stopped and apologised - removing the marker so it wouldn't happen again. Trump and Covid meant I haven't been back since to see if it works!

When I was in the military, I spent a couple of years on a base where there was somebody with the same name (and rank) as mine, which unfortunately led to a considerable amount of opening mail and trying to work out which one of us was the intended recipient. We got round a bit of it (such as bank statements) by getting the sender to include our middle initials, which were thankfully different.

However, at one point I tried to open, by mail (this was in the early 1990s), a share-dealing account with The Share Centre and that got really messy, as it happened that my namesake already had an account. It would seem that when TSC received my application, some bright spark saw that they already had somebody with the same name and address in their system, so decided I was the same person (this was before anti-money laundering legislation) and executed the buy instruction I'd included with my application against their account without digging deeper, such as noticing that bank details and signatures were different. In those days of quarterly statements by post, It took a several months before this came to light, and then a lot to-ing and fro-ing to sort the whole mess out.

Like my son*. So far a total bonus for SEO work. But he will never be able hide ! And the first name alone makes it impossible to mention it in conversation online without it alerting him.

*No other instances in the world.

No point posting as Anon.

We know who you are Elon.

I've got a name almost as generic as 'John Smith' and personally I'm happy about that because it makes me really tricky to search for. There's several other people in the UK with the same name and DoB as me.

When I need to be 'unique', I include my two middle names, as far as I know that combination is unique.

My surname (aka last name) contains a hyphen *and* an apostrophe. It also contains some esoteric capitalisation. It's been like that for hundreds of years, long before computers were invented and double barrelled surnames became fashionable. It causes no end of grief when dealing with computer systems. My wife is constantly on the phone, spelling out our surname to banks, credit card companies and utilities.

Is that you Mr D'Arcy-wet-shirt?

I once met someone with the same name as a very famous person from history. Was this just a name change? No, turns out that hist father, grandfather etc also had the same name.

We have an issue with a certain "Richard Turpin" that can only be explained to be a hard coded test record in the system...

Many years ago a friend shared the same name as me. Very useful when I was overdrawn as I'd give the cheque (said it was a long time ago...) to him to cash for me, in return for a couple of pints.

Sadly he died, too young, and his obit was in the local rag. I had a client at the time had one of their members call to ask if they knew their web designer had died - to which the lass that was my main contact there replied "well, I hope not - I had a coffee with him this morning!"