BOFH: Ah. Company-branded merch. So much better than a bonus
- Reference: 1683880210
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2023/05/12/bofh_2023_episode_9/
- Source link:
"It's a four-gig USB key. A cheap four-gig USB key."
"How do you know it's cheap?"
[1]
"A, because it's a four-gig USB key, and B, your brochure says they'll give a discount for cash."
[2]
[3]
"Mmm. Well, I've already got the money from petty cash to purchase them. But what do you think of them?"
"Maybe OK for a diagnostic boot disk?"
[4]
"No, I mean, would you be pleased if you got one?"
"Why are you … asking?" My eyes narrow.
"I … ah … The company's planning a mid-year Christmas hamper for all staff with each division head responsible for sorting something from their area. The Design people have created tee-shirts with all the company logos from the past ten years, the PR people have sourced a picnic blanket with the current company logo, Finance have organized an elephant money box with the company logo on it, and I'm just trying to think of something that would really complement it."
[5]
"Hmmm … a box of matches and a tin of petrol?" I suggest.
"… with the company logo on it," the PFY adds.
"What do you mean?"
"That hamper stuff," I say, suppressing a shudder, "is rubbish. No-one wants crap like that."
"They'd rather have the cash," the PFY concurs.
"Yes, but we're looking for something to improve company morale," the Director says.
"That would be cash," the PFY nods.
"We're trying to put together something unique."
"Unique would be the company reinstating a Christmas bonus – or implementing a mid-year Christmas bonus – and not trying to palm everyone off with a 20 quid present they've probably inflated the book value on anyway," the PFY offers.
"Well, what would you suggest?" our director snaps.
"At the risk of repeating myself: cash!" the PFY repeats himself.
"APART from cash."
"What's wrong with cash?" I ask.
"It's impersonal," the Director says, obviously repeating a well-rehearsed party line. "It lacks connection with the staff member, and everyone's treated like a generic employee whose worth is summed up by a number."
"So, what, you're looking for something tailored to their individuality?"
"YES!"
"What about banknotes?" I ask. "Each one with its own serial number. What's more personalised than unique cash money that you can spend on anything you like?"
"Instead of something that'll be in the Oxfam pile in a heartbeat!" the PFY adds.
"Though I wouldn't give mine to Oxfam," I say. "Not with that tin of petrol."
"With the company logo on it," the PFY adds once more.
"I can't see us supplying people with a tin of petrol," our Director says drily.
"You mean like this?" the PFY asks pulling a tin of petrol (with the company logo on it) from under his desk and gazing off into the unfocussed middle distance. "Fire – there's nothing like it. And, when you get something really burning well, heave it over the fence of some law enforcement or military facility. And guess whose business card would be found on it – strangely preserved from the heat?"
"I … well … probably whoever put the parcel together," the Director burbles, envisioning the waterboarding of some poor pleb from the mailroom.
"Possibly," I respond thoughtfully. "But isn't this your cigarette lighter?"
"No."
"It's got your name engraved on it."
"What?" he snaps, snatching it off me and turning it over. "It does not."
"My mistake. Just pop it back on the desk will you?"
Now our Director may be slow, but he's not stationary. Even he realizes that the shiny metal surface of a knock-off Zippo will preserve his fingerprints until long after his electric chair has been scrubbed down. He pops it in his pocket.
"Suit yourself. There's bound to be stacks of stuff around here you've touched."
The Director instinctively grabs the USB brochure, his coffee mug, the stapler he moved off the table when he put the brochure down earlier, and the tin of petrol (WTCLOI) and slowly backs out of the room. To be on the safe side, he even pauses to wipe the doorhandle on the way out.
[6]BOFH : Putting the gross in gross insubordination
[7]BOFH : All hail the job cuts consultant
[8]BOFH : The Geek's Countergambit – outwitted at an electronics store
[9]BOFH : Here in my car I feel safest of all. I can listen to you ... It keeps me stable for days
"And you just HAPPENED to have a tin of petrol (WTCLOI) under your desk?" I ask the PFY once the Director's out of earshot.
"Well, isopropyl alcohol, but potayto potahto," he replies.
"My mistake – you just happened to have a tin of isopropyl under your desk?"
"With the company logo on it," the PFY says. "Yes. For work use."
"And I take it you've already messaged security?"
"About the dangerously unstable middle manager with a fascination for fire, looking for a way to protest the lack of good mid-year Christmas bonuses? I did that during the banknote phase of the conversation."
From the office we hear the sounds of a hearty struggle as a couple of security guards wrestle the Boss to the ground.
"Did he mention the petty cash he'd been issued for the staff lunch?" I ask, when he's suitably restrained …
[10]BOFH: The whole shebang
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2022/03/25/bofh_2022_episode_6/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2022/02/25/bofh_2022_episode_4/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2022/02/11/bofh_2022_episode_3/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2021/07/09/bofh_2021_episode_10/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
[11] http://www.bofharchive.com/
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
When do people understand that cash rules?
CASH always rules. Stupid crap that a company gives away is almost always gathering dust soon after.
When will manglement understand that?
Re: When do people understand that cash rules?
The trick is to get the good stuff that OTHER companies give away.
My 16 GB Amphenol USB stick is now so well used that the logo has been completely worn off..
Oh.. And order some engraved pens from pens.com, and you will continue to get free engraved samples of various pens and other nicknack for years to come. Nice to distribute among the colleagues.
Re: When do people understand that cash rules?
Meh, one of our projects gave the people involved a multi-ended usb charger cable. At least that is useful (and a nice colour). And since it is a cheap(ish) one it can sefely stay in the office at my desk. No big loss if it disappears (though I admit it is convenient to have it around for when I forgot to charge the phone, or the headset, or the second phone that my desk phone is forwarded to, which I won't answer after hours, or one of my colleagues forgets to charge their [list of stuff]).
Re: When do people understand that cash rules?
I'd be worried that someone had decided to save money, and bought a really cheap one, and that it would one day end up drawing too much current and setting my phone/office/house on fire.
Re: When do people understand that cash rules?
That assumes it can actually identify as being capable of delivering that much power. I had my phone on it for a while and the cable did not feel warm. (but, yeah, you are right). And it would only set the office on fire, not sure if that counts as a big loss. Besides, I use it there during business hours, I guess risk is minimal.
Sounds like a nice attack though :) (and no, I do not have isopropy alcohol in a can WTCLOI)
Re: When do people understand that cash rules?
It's a good and simple way to extract money for some friends of upper management.
"Hmmm … a box of matches and a tin of petrol?"
Sheer genius. Nice to see the PFY is so thoroughly prepared for any eventuality, down to the tin of isopropyl alcohol (WTCLOI) under his desk. Simon taught him well.
Now I am torn between the keyboard sprayed with tea and the flame icon
AHH the good old USB
We all know them
Metal U-clip with a central pivot point, bearing the logo on and with black plasticy housing.
Cost about £1 each and usually last about 10 uses before the data gets corrupted.
Ah, the company gifts...
The best thing we ever got was a Bluetooth speaker, it's portable, sounds reasonably good for being about the size of your fist. Now, Simon, get out of my mind! The worst were the USB keys that were shaped like a key! Horrible design and sloooow. And the previous disk shaped housing where the drive swiveled out really sucked with only 512mb... If you're so hard up to find a suitable gift and fail so miserably, maybe you need to save the money for the company?
4GB- could barely fit a couple of photos that you do not want to keep on it, I guess it would be suitable for providing those incriminating photos of the boss in a compromising position with his secretary, to be accidentally picked up by the office gossip.
Someone is going to trade mark "WTCLOI" ...