BOFH: Who us? Sysadmins? Spend time with other departments?
- Reference: 1660302905
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2022/08/12/bofh_2022_episode_15/
- Source link:
"Simon, Stephen, this is Daniel. Daniel's the Company's new internal relationship manager."
"Our what now?"
[1]
"The new Internal Relationship Manager."
[2]
[3]
"Did we have an old Internal Relationship Manager?" I ask.
"No, it's a new position – hence the word new preceding the Internal Relationship Manager ," the Boss says testily.
[4]
"Yes, but it could be interpreted two ways," the PFY says. "A new position, or a new person in an existing position. Because the last person accidentally ate something that disagreed with them."
"Like this powdered glass," I say, shaking a small bottle of fine white powder.
"Or this box of cage nuts," the PFY says rattling a small cardboard box.
[5]
"How would anyone acciden..."
"Ignore them," the Boss says.
"So, what will our Internal Relationship Manager be doing?" I ask.
"My remit is to work with divisions of the company to help foster workplace relationships. The Company's Board feels that there's been some disconnects due to the workplace separation of the pandemic so they're looking at ways of reconnecting disparate departments."
"Sorry," the PFY said. "I may have slipped into a temporary coma. What was that again?"
"My remit..."
"Yeah, that's where I lost you the first time," the PFY chips in.
"What sort of skillset would you need for that role?" I interrupt, before things get nasty.
"I have a Master's degree in Workplace Social Engineering."
" A Masters in Workplace Social Engineering! ," the PFY echos, in the tone of wonder.
"Tell me," I say. "Will we be doing trust exercises and playing team games?"
"Like murder in the dark?" the PFY asks.
"No, no!" Daniel says. "I don't work with people directly – I help them put systems in place so they can work with each other to reach common goals."
"Oh yes," I say "And how do you achieve that? Personality trait testing, strength analysis, the six hats thing – then feed all that into a compatibility matrix?"
"You sound like a bit of an expert in this," Daniel says glibly.
"I'm more an expert in management fads," I say. "I see them come; I see them go. As a rule they last a month or two till someone in the organization holds a pillow over them till the struggling stops."
"And that's just the internal relationship managers," the PFY adds.
"Well hopefully I'll be able to change your mind – and give you some new tools to work effectively with other teams."
I may sound like a broken record when it comes to working with other groups – but in my defence, those groups don't want to work with us either. Each area of the business has, over the years, developed a sort of herd immunity to the intrusion of people from other areas. This has culminated in "antibodies" (ie, complainers) who surround the foreign body and smother them in the powerful toxins of pointless questions, rumor, onions-in-their-belt stories and general "that's-not-how-we-do-things"-isms. Who knows what would happen to Daniel if he were to meet them en masse.
"We should have a meeting!" I suggest. "Get each area to send a couple of people along to really bring this idea to fruition!"
Daniel, whose degree apparently didn't include the paper "Poison Chalice Recognition 101", likes this idea – and the resultant meeting is looking good. Several departments have sent their more fractious personalities and the accountants are represented by an Olympic-level stick-in-the-mud.
Daniel kicks the meeting off with a history of group dynamics which is so thorough that it almost includes the discovery of fire. Several of the older attendees slip off to sleep during this – at which point the PFY and I realize that Daniel may not be the sheep in sheep's clothing we thought he was.
"...and so, when we work together in function-based, interdepartmental groups, we'll all have much more free time, and with free time comes the possibility of promotion," Daniel concludes.
There are murmurs of approval at the thought of more free time and money so the PFY have some spade work to do. While I'm trying to remember where I left that pillow, the PFY steps in.
"I for one can't wait," the PFY says. "We'll finally get the chance to work closely with people and pool our resources to share the costs of any new equipment we might need."
[6]BOFH : Selling the boss on a crypto startup
[7]BOFH : Where do you think you are going with that toner cartridge?
[8]BOFH : The Geek's Countergambit – outwitted at an electronics store
[9]BOFH : Oh go on. Strap me to your Hell Desk, PFY
The murmurs drop a little as people contemplate us identifying the need for their department to pay for our new coffee machine.
"And I'm looking forward to spending many profitable hours with my fellow workers," I say. "It'll give me a chance to share my two new passions – of interpretive dance and unicycle knife juggling."
I suspect the mental image of me cycling around an office in an overly tight leotard, tossing sharp metal around is enough to worry even the staunchest of supporters and a couple of test lunges is enough to convince the rest that a slight pay rise is no compensation for a poorly choreographed hospital pass.
In a matter of moments the complainers have woken from their slumber and several hands are raised in unison.
I may not need that pillow after all.
[10]BOFH: The whole shebang
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2022/07/29/bofh_2022_episode_14/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2022/05/27/bofh_2022_episode_10/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2022/02/11/bofh_2022_episode_3/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2017/07/28/bofh_2017_episode_10/
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Well, it is exactly like real meetings. Objections are plenty whenever "commitment" is tabled. From there a stall is forced.
A pillow is for amateurs, get enough complainers; and enough caffeine and salty snacks, and you can get the new hire to die from a heart attack.
That does drag the meeting a bit however, so you can go by the old tried and trusted method of find stuff they posted online that will get them fired.
That's all a bit non-violent for the BOFH.
"Talked someone into having a heart attack" does sound scary as hell however.
An important role
> work with divisions of the company to help foster workplace relationships
There was a lovely quote in [1]The Week UK last week:
The great mistake made by
intelligent people is to refuse
to believe that the world is
as stupid as it is.”
It sounds like this Internal Relationship Manager will help in two ways. First as a personal example and secondarily by showing the sysadmins what all the other people in the company are really like.
I expect tears, but not of joy.
[1] https://www.theweek.co.uk/
Re: An important role
Depends on who is crying
Re: An important role
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
'Nuff said.
"I for one can't wait," the PFY says. "We'll finally get the chance to work closely with people and pool our resources to share the costs of any new equipment we might need."
Why did my mind instantly jump to the delicious irony of a department paying for the new surveillance equipment the BOFH and PFY will be using to upgrade their capability, based on their increased access in this new co-working heaven (hell)
Happens every few years
I cringe as nothing improves and only the complaints continue.
No fenestration?
Very poor this week - everyone survived.
Re: No fenestration?
I didn't see that one coming. "Internal relationship manager" had the ring of underlying cause on a death certificate.
Re: No fenestration?
For now, it's just a bit of delegation before the death by a thousand questions…
Re: No fenestration?
Didn't Chekhov have something to say about powdered glass? Or maybe that's been saved for the sequel.
Re: No fenestration?
You mean:
Never walk around barefoot, there are plenty of evil bastards around who have access to powdered glass.
Chekov
Re: No fenestration?
Not even any defenestration...
Olympic level stick in the mud
Sheer genius, that. We all know the type
Re: Olympic level stick in the mud
If I'd been drinking tea, a new keyboard would have been required at "whose degree apparently didn't include the paper "Poison Chalice Recognition 101"".
see icon
There are murmurs of approval at the thought of more free time and money so the PFY have some spade work to do.
tsk!
I tied an onion to my belt, as was the style at the time..
Bonus point for the Grandpa Simpson reference!
Re: I tied an onion to my belt, as was the style at the time..
ahhh, beat me to it, late to the party this afternoon... Indeed it was the style of the time, and wasn't human sacrifice? They did it in the 30s!
Have one on me! ---------->
And I was reading old BOFH stories today. Way too slow day at work. At least Noone tries this shit in a construction site :)
That is because everyone knows that is where the bodies go, and it is far too easy to add another 1 or 2!!!
Just keep working, agree with everything suggested and looking the other way !!!
:)
That was actually said to me when I started working.
The murmurs drop a little as people contemplate us identifying the need for their department to pay for our new coffee machine.
Bang on!
"You need to listen to your users more"
Our team had 4 people in it, and it needed about 12, so some work was not being done - and our customers complained.
We were offered a senior person to help "understand the users and their problems". We had conversations like
Him: These users say they need a faster machine for their builds
Us: They don't need a faster machine; their current machine is lightly loaded all the time. The problem is the source is on a remote system the other side of the Atlantic. If they cached it locally then the build would be faster. They dont know how to do this.
Him:These customers complain because the network is wrong.
Us: They are trying to use the wrong configuration. They need to change their definitions - and think it will be quicker if we change the network rather than them fix their configuration.
We gave him some of the smaller problems to fix and he was very happy.
After a month he reported back... they need an extra 10 people to do the work. He almost wanted to join us because he learned so much.
Re: "You need to listen to your users more"
Almost!
Re: "You need to listen to your users more"
Several times I have had 'experts' brought in 'to help out'.
These experts learn that they actually know very little, learn a lot then f-off, never to be heard of again. When they've gone, peace and quiet resumes, leaving the opportunity to do the job, finish early and ---->
Re: "You need to listen to your users more" - Offsite Experts
Some years back, at a certain pharma in Kent, we had a "company" decide or was offered to tender & was determined to prove they could undercut the rate the current MSP's were being paid by one third to half, this was of concern to most of us due to working as part of the clients internal team with little or no interaction with our "management" as contractors (The MSP had one permy on site). More importantly were we going to be shown the door\suffer a rate cut.
It was obvious the way this prospective company's mindset was going:
New cheaper bodies, that we can switch, rotate & deploy them at will to other clients* as needed or not even have them on-site at all until required.
After about a week or two on site, in which time they learned that the requirement of full background checks, multiple various regulatory courses, individual site H&S & it's build process's courses before they even got to the site knowledge part** & realised that they couldn't just pull "Tom, Dick or Harry" from one client halfway around the M25 to go sort out "Izzy's latest issue in building 225" without all those pre-requisites in place & decided with a vast amount of egg on their formerly overconfident & glowing faces with brick-able smiles that they couldn't compete at all & if anything having to bring on a whole new team would actually them cost more than their projected profit was going to be.
*Funnily enough, this is the mindset of my current employer, that I can potentially just drop my "Onsite required presence for an outage" to go & do something 2 hours away for a different client, granted the idea is that it's for sporadic events, but goalposts do change.
**We had a new guy brought in & he spent three weeks on this before being pulled by the existing MSP for some reason (He wasn't happy at time he spent being wasted).
Won't somebody think of the scientists?
Devi Sridhar has been a guiding light throughout Covid, calm, rational and informative. The best thing in Scotland since, well, hills and rain? We don't have much going for us. I admit it, I love her and will fight any of you for the chance to kiss her feet.
She just mucked up seriously today by asking for an end to internet anonymity because a scientist was driven to suicide by internet trolls. No, Devi, no. Trolls don't drive you to suicide, only family and friends can.
"I know a lot about that subject, but I know nothing about this subject I'm about to pontificate upon."
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/aug/12/scientist-taken-own-life-health-workers-covid
Someone must have been at something stronger than a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster as this is titled Episode 14 instead of 15
Management style fads!
Oh, boy! I've seen my share of this team building malarky. The last one was a pip! Workplace wellness, no, not ripping Simon off here either.
Re: Management style fads! - Something Different
Actually I experienced a very unique mental health\de-stress event yesterday that is apparently done two or three times a year at my current location of employment.
A local charity brings puppies on-site for those that want to interact with & pet them (With a view to prospective adoptions). Learning who the dog lovers were broke down barriers & caused interactions with people whose paths rarely cross.
Re: Management style fads! - Something Different
Petting Puppies and free pizza is how you improve the workplace environment.
Unfortunately almost bo one does this.
You
should always take a good book to these sort of meetings.
Amongst my recommendations is
"The Necronomicon discussed, with experiments for beginners" (get the light leather bound version, you can claim its human skin)
Although nothing in there is as bad as when the new manglement fad is espoused by the bean counters and put forward as THE way forward at which point you propose the game favoured by your PFY "murder in the dark" and it is oh so very dark at the bottom of the lift shaft........
Sleep well all
In a matter of moments the complainers have woken from their slumber and several hands are raised in unison.
I may not need that pillow after all.
Looks like the other attendees did though...