The Filth Filter is part of the chipset, honest. Goes between the TPM and SEP. No, really
- Reference: 1639733405
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2021/12/17/on_call/
- Source link:
Today's story comes from "Les" (not his name) who spends his time these days tinkering with electronics and passing the odd bit of functioning equipment on to those who need it. His tale concerns a laptop he had rebuilt and gave to an acquaintance – let's call her "Cynthia" even though that was also not her name.
The laptop had been acquired for Cynthia's son. Ostensibly for college work – and an essential tool even in the years before the current pandemic – but, as is so often the case, something went wrong. And so it was that Les's phone rang with a request for help.
[2]
Cynthia: "The laptop isn't working!"
[3]
[4]
Les sighed. "What's he done to it?"
Cynthia: "Nothing! He swears he's done nothing! The on button flashes every few seconds but that's it!"
[5]
Les knew the problem, and it was easily fixed. He had Cynthia remove the battery and AC adaptor, hold down the power button, and then reconnect the power. The laptop came back to life, and the relief of the user was palpable.
But what had caused the problem? Les had a dilemma. He could be honest and say that these things sometimes happen, and all it had needed was a hard reset. Or he could be evil.
Well, 'tis the season and all that…
[6]
"What do you think happened?" Cynthia persisted. "Do you think it will happen again?"
Les took a breath. "Well... That was the reset mechanism for the Filth Filter I install on the machines when I get them for the kids. Almost forgot about that as I've not had to reset it before."
There was silence on the line. "He'd been watching too much pr0n and blown the fuse?"
"How many times did the light flash?"
"Every four seconds…"
[7]What came first? The chicken, the egg, or the bodge to make everything work?
[8]How do you call support when the telephones go TITSUP*?
[9]Swooping in to claim the glory while the On Call engineer stands baffled
[10]A lightbulb moment comes too late to save a mainframe engineer's blushes
Les sucked through his teeth: "Oh, right. Absolute filth then. There's a scale of one to five, five being the worst."
There was another lengthy pause as Cynthia digested this. "You're joking?"
"No, no. The Filth Filter is a real thing. It's a straight BIOS swap. Works with the Windows Trusted Platform Module."
"But the flashing light?"
"Yeah... let me check." Les pretended to shuffle some papers. "Yeah – it says 'extreme kink and activities with more than five participants.'"
"Stop – you're scaring me," said the worried Cynthia.
Not one to miss a chance to double down, Les went on: "Just be glad it didn't hit level five."
Another pause. Then, "Shall I tell the boy he shouldn't be watching... er... rude things on his laptop, then?"
"Definitely," said Les. And, with a final flourish, he added: "If it hits level five then it'll take a picture of him and send it to the police."
If you "know about computers" then the Christmas period is a time to dread as friends and family inevitably turn to you for support. How will you respond to the phone call? Are you on the nice list or, like Les, very much on the naughty step. Let us know with an email to [11]On Call . ®
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[1] https://www.theregister.com/Tag/on-call
[2] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_onprem/personaltech&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2Ybxt3B0WWQWDuv94TPu1uAAAAMI&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
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[7] https://www.theregister.com/2021/12/10/on_call/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2021/12/03/on_call/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2021/11/26/on_call/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/2021/11/19/on_call/
[11] mailto:oncall@theregister.com
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
"Stop – you're scaring me," said the worried Cynthia.
That's because the light only started flashing after she'd been using the laptop while her son was out...
I Wish...
...I'd found the dodgy, but legal, images on a user's laptop while he still worked for the Company, could perhaps have had some fun. Unfortunately it was only after he'd left and returned the machine that we found it so I reported it to HR and wiped the disk.
Re: I Wish...
Hopefully you also wiped the screen and the keyboard.
Re: I Wish...
I do that anyway, although at least one recent return I had to put gloves on before I'd even handle it - it won't be reissued despite thorough physical cleaning.
I now need to revise my 2022 goals for work...
Because I know I get these resets all the time.
And I **WILL** be attempting to use that excuse.
This is less of an On-Call and more of a BOFH lesson, in fairness.
I tried this on with my parents.
My brother had set up a PC and webcam connected to the living room TV so they could Skype their relatives. I hadn't seen it, but since I was the one visiting, I got charged with fixing it when it suddenly didn't work.
My brother had put the PC in a bad place. Folks were always bumping it on the way into the hall, knocking cables out. There were four cables out; Ethernet, audio, microphone, and finally power. Thanks to wifi and internal sound, none of the cables mattered until power.
As I plugged them back in I shouted for Mom.
"You two been watching porn on this? You tripped the filter."
My mother, with a straight face, yelled into the kitchen for my father.
"Honey? There's a porn filter on the TV."
She then turned back to me. "Is it okay if we watch it in the bedroom?"
I wonder if, on hearing that, the kid actually dared it and kept a picture of granny pirn fixed to the front of the camera for shock value...
"How will you respond to the phone call?"
One day I got a call from an acquaintance.
He was utterly panicked because his Windows machine was showing him an FBI warning on boot-up.
I reminded him that the FBI has no jurisdiction in France, and told him to bring me the desktop.
I purged the unwanted malware with a Linux distro that boots on CD and told him not to go view pr0n on just any link.
Haven't heard from him since.