From the studio that brought you 'Mortal Wombat' comes 'Pernicious Possum'
- Reference: 1637068511
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2021/11/16/possum_takes_woman_hostage/
- Source link:
Note that this is not the sabre-toothed death mouse otherwise known as the opossum, which is native to the Americas, but the cute, Yoda-like, and otherwise totally harmless Australasian phalangeriform.
[2]
Menace
As with the wombat, it may be time to rethink that designation after a woman called police on Sunday night to say "a possum was holding her hostage" at her home in Dunedin, [3]The Guardian reports .
We understand that the victim may have embellished somewhat due to the trauma – what actually happened was that every time the woman attempted to get into her car, the possum would "charge at her and she would flee inside," police said.
The coppers dutifully pulled up to assist. As they approached her front door, a shape emerged from the darkness and... climbed an officer's leg.
[4]
Relievedly for Senior Sergeant Craig Dinnissen, no slashing, gnawing or gouging followed. He reckoned the juvenile was either an escaped pet or had lost its mother.
[5]Two large flightless birds walk into a bar... The pub's owner was not emused *ba-dum tsh*
[6]Mortal wombat: 4 generations of women fight for their lives against murderous marsupial
[7]As Australia is gripped by bog roll shortage, tabloid says: Here, fill your dunny with us
[8]'What's up, Skip?' asks paraglider – before 'roo beats the snot out of him
Possums, though native to neighbouring Australia, have no business being in New Zealand and were introduced in the 19th century to be hunted for their fur. These days they are regarded as an invasive species due to their impact on trees and birds, and the lack of natural predators to keep numbers in check.
There is, however, a scene in NZ that takes care of injured or orphaned possums, which apparently [9]make pretty good pets – if you can bear to have "every area of your face" licked at 5am every morning. Parents of young children know this feeling well.
[10]
The possum was released into the wild without harm befalling critter or officer, but the marsupial's days are numbered in New Zealand. The Department of Conservation's [11]"Predator Free 2050" initiative aims to rid the islands of "the most damaging introduced predators that threaten our nation's natural taonga [Māori for treasured possession]."
This includes rats, stoats, and overly affectionate possums. ®
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[1] https://www.theregister.com/2020/06/08/wombat_attack/
[2] https://regmedia.co.uk/2021/11/16/shutterstock_possum.jpg
[3] https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/nov/15/new-zealand-possum-holds-woman-hostage-at-her-home
[4] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2YZPjvTV2JxdjgzD24tpXygAAAEw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
[5] https://www.theregister.com/2020/07/29/two_large_flightless_birds_walk/
[6] https://www.theregister.com/2020/06/08/wombat_attack/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2020/03/04/bog_roll_pullout/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2019/03/11/whats_up_skip_asks_paraglider_before_roo_beats_the_snot_out_of_him/
[9] https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/jun/11/hello-possum-the-new-zealanders-who-keep-wild-marsupials-as-pets
[10] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44YZPjvTV2JxdjgzD24tpXygAAAEw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[11] https://www.doc.govt.nz/nature/pests-and-threats/predator-free-2050/
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
Killing all predators? I am sure that won't backfire at all, no sire.
To be fair
The article did say that they would try to eradicate "the most dangerous introduced predators" rather than all of them.
Kill all humans. Now, what was the question?
Pets? PETS?
These wee fuckers kept me awake for much of my youth - much of NZ's housing stock is covered in corrugated iron, and they have non-retractable claws.
Hanging's too good for em.
Re: Pets? PETS?
.. and some of them enjoy sliding down corrugated iron roofs at night.
And now I want one as a pet.
No, you really don't.
Possums make great pets when they are juveniles, but the adults aren't quite so much fun.
Take something a bit larger than an average cat, fit it with non-retracting and very sharp claws, add anal glands that produce a foul smelling gunk, and then top off with a fright reaction which commands: 'climb_the_nearest_vertical_object_as_rapidly_as_possible_and_if_you_are_really_scared_shit_everywhere_making_sure_to_empty_those_special_anal_glands'. Obviously, the nearest 'vertical object' will be you, or your mother-in-law, etc.
Now, go and enjoy your new best friend.
BTW, they have other interesting habits as well, including, as mentioned above, sliding down metal roofs at night, and also having a horrible laugh-cough that makes it sound like you have some crazed axe-killer lurking outside your house at 3am.
Did I mention they are nocturnal, so you won't see much of your pet during daylight hours.
There's a monster in the garden
Apparently New Scotland Yard once got a call from a very distressed gentleman who had been chased round his garden by fearsome spiky monsters. Despite wondering if the gent was entirely the full ticket, a unit was despatched to assist (that was when there were enough officers to do such a thing). They found an utterly terrified chap - and a family of hedgehogs. Turned out he'd never seen one before and thought they either bit you or shot quills at you, as it was once believed porcupines could do. The previous owner of the house used to feed them so all they were doing was trying to remind the new owner that it was dinner time. It was explained they were harmless and just needed dog food putting out nightly - result, one relieved human and a family of happy furze pigs.
In view of the number of possums seen as roadkill around NZ, the naturalist on our last organised tour referred to them as "squashums". He encouraged us all to take out as many as we could during our travels.