BOFH: They say you either love it or you hate it. We can confirm you're going to hate it
(2021/07/30)
- Reference: 1627633813
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2021/07/30/bofh_2021_episode_14/
- Source link:
Episode 14 "Where've you been?" the Boss asks.
"Holiday. I... booked it several months ago."
"And where's Stephen?"
[1]
"No idea – is he not here?"
[2]
[3]
"He called in sick yesterday."
"Oh, then I'm guessing he's sick."
[4]
"Well, I don't have time to sort that out, we have a situation!"
"What situation?"
"The encryption bug thing. Our files are infected."
[5]
"Infected or encrypted?" I ask.
"I don't bloody know, it just says we have to pay a ransom to get our files back. Everything's locked out."
"Really?" I say. "But we shouldn't need to pay as we've got offline backups on the recovery laptop for exactly that reason."
"They're encrypted too. Or infected, I don't know," the Boss chips back, wanting to move on.
"No, no, they won't be infected or encrypted, they're offline. We only bring the laptop online to take a backup."
"Well, we uhhhm..."
"You can't have brought the recovery laptop online; it's never left plugged in – just to be sure."
"Yes, well, uh... We... uh... had an expert in."
"An expert at plugging cables in?"
"No, a security expert. He... um... said we should recover the data."
"What?! How? The recovery laptop's password protected and it's not on the domain!"
"Yes, well, we found the passwords in the Emergency Procedures book. But the book didn't mention how critical it was to keep the machine off the network after an attack."
"It doesn't mention how critical it is not to coat the laptop in Marmite and shove it up your arse, but we think people will use their common sense!"
"Yes, but..."
"IT... DOESN'T... MATTER..." I say slowly. "I keep a copy of the latest backup on my desktop machine."
"Yes, about that..."
"You... touched my machine?"
"Well, technically it's the Company's machine. And it was an emergency."
"Was this before or after you tried the laptop?"
"After the laptop. And after Stephen's machine. Jim needed to reset the BIOS or something and he had to boot the machines from a USB stick to bypass the login or something. Anyway, long story short, it turns out that he thinks the USB stick may have had the virus or whatever it was on it, because, well..."
"So let me just clear up one thing. Did this Company-wide encryption/infection happen BEFORE or AFTER this expert came to the building?"
"Oh, it was probably before."
"Probably. So he was ON the premises when the infection or whatever it was started happening."
"Well, I don't know if we can be SURE about that, I mean it was a very difficult time for everyone, what with the infection and everything. It might have happened afterwards, or it might have been happening all along – I mean who can be sure?"
[6]BOFH : You say goodbye and I say halon
[7]BOFH : But soft! What light through yonder filing cabinet breaks?
[8]BOFH : Where there is darkness, let there be a light
[9]BOFH : Here in my car I feel safest of all. I can listen to you ... It keeps me stable for days
"So why was this... expert... here in the first place?"
"He was visiting one of his friends in the accounting department when everything went awry and he was able to put his skills to good use."
"His skills?"
"He's got a masters degree in computer usability and a doctorate in divinity."
"Ah, two degrees that are worth less than their weight in bog paper. Ironic, though, that his limited knowledge in one subject might very well gain him some first-hand experience in another?"
"I'm not sure I follow."
"So timeline this for me. He turns up, some systems get affected and you lead him on a slow march through the building letting him ravage anything he can plug his USB stick into?"
"He's got a doctorate!"
"SO'S MY BLOODY DOCTOR, BUT I DON'T LET HIM USE MY BLOODY COMPUTER!"
"I blame myself," the Boss says.
"So do I," I respond.
"Look, I know mistakes have been made but the main priority at the moment is to just get everything back up and running. Jim's got us some new computers and he's installing them as we speak, so at least we can have some people up and running as soon as we can recover the data."
"So he's got a standalone network up, completely isolated from our network?"
"Of course! Well, he will once the machines have been assigned to users and have finished updating."
"Is he updating them with his USB stick?"
"I... No, they're just updating from the network."
"An infected network?"
"I..."
"So... he's quite probably added to our recovery workload because we'll need to zero those machines as well?"
"Zero what machines?" the PFY says, entering Mission Control looking decidedly seedy.
"Everything. We need to zero everything," I say.
I fill the PFY in on everything that has transpired in the past 24 hours, how Jim's rampage through our hardware has effectively screwed the entire Company over – including our machines. A worryingly prominent vein appears on the PFY's reddening forehead as I recount how the contents of his machine, including his tirelessly pirated MAME archive and savegames as well as his personal data are now gone.
"I have a set of backups," the PFY says, after only a couple of minutes of eerie silence. "Two weeks old. At home. I'll go and get them now."
As the PFY walks off calmly to the tube station the Boss asks if it's alright if Jim pops in later to apologise. I nod and tell him that it's probably a good idea, before tapping out a quick message to the PFY.
BRING THE MARMITE! ®
[10]BOFH: The whole shebang
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
Get our [12]Tech Resources
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2021/07/23/bofh_2021_episode_13/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2021/07/16/bofh_2021_episode_12/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2021/07/12/bofh_2021_episode_11/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2021/07/09/bofh_2021_episode_10/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
[11] http://www.bofharchive.com/
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
"Holiday. I... booked it several months ago."
"And where's Stephen?"
[1]
"No idea – is he not here?"
[2]
[3]
"He called in sick yesterday."
"Oh, then I'm guessing he's sick."
[4]
"Well, I don't have time to sort that out, we have a situation!"
"What situation?"
"The encryption bug thing. Our files are infected."
[5]
"Infected or encrypted?" I ask.
"I don't bloody know, it just says we have to pay a ransom to get our files back. Everything's locked out."
"Really?" I say. "But we shouldn't need to pay as we've got offline backups on the recovery laptop for exactly that reason."
"They're encrypted too. Or infected, I don't know," the Boss chips back, wanting to move on.
"No, no, they won't be infected or encrypted, they're offline. We only bring the laptop online to take a backup."
"Well, we uhhhm..."
"You can't have brought the recovery laptop online; it's never left plugged in – just to be sure."
"Yes, well, uh... We... uh... had an expert in."
"An expert at plugging cables in?"
"No, a security expert. He... um... said we should recover the data."
"What?! How? The recovery laptop's password protected and it's not on the domain!"
"Yes, well, we found the passwords in the Emergency Procedures book. But the book didn't mention how critical it was to keep the machine off the network after an attack."
"It doesn't mention how critical it is not to coat the laptop in Marmite and shove it up your arse, but we think people will use their common sense!"
"Yes, but..."
"IT... DOESN'T... MATTER..." I say slowly. "I keep a copy of the latest backup on my desktop machine."
"Yes, about that..."
"You... touched my machine?"
"Well, technically it's the Company's machine. And it was an emergency."
"Was this before or after you tried the laptop?"
"After the laptop. And after Stephen's machine. Jim needed to reset the BIOS or something and he had to boot the machines from a USB stick to bypass the login or something. Anyway, long story short, it turns out that he thinks the USB stick may have had the virus or whatever it was on it, because, well..."
"So let me just clear up one thing. Did this Company-wide encryption/infection happen BEFORE or AFTER this expert came to the building?"
"Oh, it was probably before."
"Probably. So he was ON the premises when the infection or whatever it was started happening."
"Well, I don't know if we can be SURE about that, I mean it was a very difficult time for everyone, what with the infection and everything. It might have happened afterwards, or it might have been happening all along – I mean who can be sure?"
[6]BOFH : You say goodbye and I say halon
[7]BOFH : But soft! What light through yonder filing cabinet breaks?
[8]BOFH : Where there is darkness, let there be a light
[9]BOFH : Here in my car I feel safest of all. I can listen to you ... It keeps me stable for days
"So why was this... expert... here in the first place?"
"He was visiting one of his friends in the accounting department when everything went awry and he was able to put his skills to good use."
"His skills?"
"He's got a masters degree in computer usability and a doctorate in divinity."
"Ah, two degrees that are worth less than their weight in bog paper. Ironic, though, that his limited knowledge in one subject might very well gain him some first-hand experience in another?"
"I'm not sure I follow."
"So timeline this for me. He turns up, some systems get affected and you lead him on a slow march through the building letting him ravage anything he can plug his USB stick into?"
"He's got a doctorate!"
"SO'S MY BLOODY DOCTOR, BUT I DON'T LET HIM USE MY BLOODY COMPUTER!"
"I blame myself," the Boss says.
"So do I," I respond.
"Look, I know mistakes have been made but the main priority at the moment is to just get everything back up and running. Jim's got us some new computers and he's installing them as we speak, so at least we can have some people up and running as soon as we can recover the data."
"So he's got a standalone network up, completely isolated from our network?"
"Of course! Well, he will once the machines have been assigned to users and have finished updating."
"Is he updating them with his USB stick?"
"I... No, they're just updating from the network."
"An infected network?"
"I..."
"So... he's quite probably added to our recovery workload because we'll need to zero those machines as well?"
"Zero what machines?" the PFY says, entering Mission Control looking decidedly seedy.
"Everything. We need to zero everything," I say.
I fill the PFY in on everything that has transpired in the past 24 hours, how Jim's rampage through our hardware has effectively screwed the entire Company over – including our machines. A worryingly prominent vein appears on the PFY's reddening forehead as I recount how the contents of his machine, including his tirelessly pirated MAME archive and savegames as well as his personal data are now gone.
"I have a set of backups," the PFY says, after only a couple of minutes of eerie silence. "Two weeks old. At home. I'll go and get them now."
As the PFY walks off calmly to the tube station the Boss asks if it's alright if Jim pops in later to apologise. I nod and tell him that it's probably a good idea, before tapping out a quick message to the PFY.
BRING THE MARMITE! ®
[10]BOFH: The whole shebang
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
Get our [12]Tech Resources
[1] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2YQPNs69Qth@KCNlvtA@m@QAAAMc&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2021/07/23/bofh_2021_episode_13/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2021/07/16/bofh_2021_episode_12/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2021/07/12/bofh_2021_episode_11/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2021/07/09/bofh_2021_episode_10/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
[11] http://www.bofharchive.com/
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
Re: ... to be continued ...
gerdesj
The PFY is getting the backups and the Marmite. You don't need too much imagination for how this all ends (it's spelt out earlier)
Re: ... to be continued ...
WanderingHaggis
I think this is a case for escalation to vegemite.
Re: ... to be continued ...
Hot Diggity
Or a indeed a situation involving Marmite, an escalator and the Tube.
With enough Marmite, who needs quicklime?
The possibilities are endless.
Maverick
oh this will run & run
I Am Spartacus
Not with a surgically inserted laptop it won't.
Who said anything…
bpfh
About surgically inserted? Or it even being closed beforehand?
Sgt_Oddball
C://dos
C://dos/run
run/dos/run
?
On the original note, I suspect we'll all be reminded of why Simon is 'From Hell' and so will Jim. Possibly with the aid of a cattle prod... Or the lift shaft and lift... A slim Jim?
Mines the one with book of command line jokes.
Doctorate in Divinity
Wellyboot
I think he's soon to discover how accurate that thesis was...
Jim and the long game
chivo243
I smell plans within plans. Is Jim a "Frenemy"?
Evil Auditor
Nearly 30 years ago an telecom technician brought in his (infected) CD-ROM to update the phone switch. The update apparently acted funkily in the switch and to test the CD-ROM he shove it into one of our PCs, which was connected to the network...
It was my job to clean up. And my boss, the BOFH, dealt with the technician, of whom I 've never heard again. So better not mentioning any names.
I suppose...
Michael H.F. Wilkinson
the marmite contain a high concentration of quicklime
So he was "visiting" during working hours
Pascal Monett
I think Jim is not the only one who should discover the wonders of marmite. Looks to me as the head of accounting should also get a taste for allowing personal visits during work hours, and for allowing a perfect stranger to use unsecured media on company property.
Then, of course, there's the boss who actively made the situation worse by granting a security risk access to the Holy Sanctum. And, obviously, the sheer blasphemy of his grubby hands on the PHY's and BOFH's computers.
Oh yes, they're going to need a lot of marmite.
... to be continued ...
right ?
Or are we being held ransom, and have to pay to read the conclusion ?