Prez Biden narrowly escapes cicada assassination attempt, hunkers down in Cornwall
(2021/06/10)
- Reference: 1623347111
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2021/06/10/biden_cicada_attack/
- Source link:
Following The Reg 's recent exclusive coverage of the growing cicada threat to humanity, we can now reveal that US President Joe Biden narrowly missed being literally decapitated by a lone cicada assassin.
Biden was yesterday seen fighting off his hexapod assailant as he attempted to board Air Force One, before flying across the Atlantic to escape the Brood X swarm currently besieging Washington DC and much of the rest of America's Eastern Seaboard.
As we [1]explained on Tuesday , the amassing of insects around DC may have constituted a final do-or-die push for survival by the Brood X cicadas, whose volume has dropped in recent manifestations due to human development reducing the numbers of trees they require at different stages of their lengthy life cycle.
[2]
However, it seems US authorities pre-empted the insect insurrection and extracted Biden from the area on the pretext of a visit to the G7 conference being held in Cornwall, UK, before the cicada hivemind could gather enough wing-soldiers to fully overwhelm the potent but ultimately disarrayed human defences facing them.
[3]
[4]
One lone cicada zealot managed to get to the president and land on his neck before he boarded his plane, presumably in an attempt to bite off his head or cut his throat, but was subdued by a swat of the hand before it managed to do any damage.
[5]Youtube Video
[6]
Displaying the disorientation which can accompany a near-death experience – or just the healthy, normal disorientation that comes with being a 78-year-old man doing the world's most stressful job – after dealing with his attacker, Biden advised the watching press: "Watch out for the cicadas. It got me. I got one."
The wisdom of this advice was borne out to the assembled journalists when a larger contingent of cicada forces grounded an aircraft that had been allocated to fly the White House press corp out to follow President Biden to the UK.
[7]Biden cancels Trump's bans on TikTok, WeChat, other Chinese apps
[8]It is with a heavy heart that we must tell you America's richest continue to pay not quite as much tax as you do
[9]Boeing confirms last 747 to roll off production line in 2022
[10]Broadband plumber Openreach yanks legacy copper phone lines in Suffolk town of Mildenhall en route to getting the UK on VoIP
Perhaps in spiteful retaliation for this publication warning the US authorities of the impending cicada menace, the Brood X swarm attacked the press plane in numbers and prevented it from taking off on Tuesday evening.
No humans were harmed in the attack, although the aircraft's engines were [11]reportedly filled with cicadas and a replacement plane and crew had to be swapped in, leading to the press pack's take-off being delayed for over seven hours. The Register had declined to send a reporter on this particular trip due to the possibility of recriminations from Brood X for Tuesday's article.
None the worse for his close call with death, President Biden's plane landed safely at RAF Mildenhall in Suffolk on Wednesday evening, before flying on to Newquay and the G7 summit, where the president will spend a pleasant few days waiting for the danger at home to pass.
[12]
The attack on Biden and the free press comes only days after Vice President Kamala Harris survived an attempt by a number of cicadas [13]to board her Air Force 2 aircraft shortly before it departed for Guatemala. The insectoid agents had secreted themselves in folds of other passengers' clothing and only the sharp eyes of the secret service saved the VP from what would have surely been an in-flight assassination attempt.
The dangers of lone cicada agents was also graphically spelled out when a driver in Cincinnati, Ohio, [14]crashed into a telephone pole and totalled his car after a large cicada flew in through an open window and hit him in the face. The driver sustained minor injuries while the cicada, clearly on a suicide mission, was declared "dead at the scene." ®
Get our [15]Tech Resources
[1] https://www.theregister.com/2021/06/08/dooropening_insect_megaswarm/
[2] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2YMKLh-BXLTBfTlDDtEmH5AAAAE0&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
[3] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44YMKLh-BXLTBfTlDDtEmH5AAAAE0&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[4] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33YMKLh-BXLTBfTlDDtEmH5AAAAE0&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[5] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbPNk1S5Shc
[6] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44YMKLh-BXLTBfTlDDtEmH5AAAAE0&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2021/06/10/biden_china_apps/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2021/06/09/tycoon_tax_affairs/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2021/01/13/final_747_shipment_2022/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/2021/05/07/openreach_mildenhall_copper/
[11] https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/09/us/politics/cicadas-biden.html
[12] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33YMKLh-BXLTBfTlDDtEmH5AAAAE0&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[13] https://apnews.com/article/cicadas-delay-biden-press-plane-9f5b49edb4b43370444846471fd1ac2d
[14] https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/jun/08/cicada-crash-ohio
[15] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
Biden was yesterday seen fighting off his hexapod assailant as he attempted to board Air Force One, before flying across the Atlantic to escape the Brood X swarm currently besieging Washington DC and much of the rest of America's Eastern Seaboard.
As we [1]explained on Tuesday , the amassing of insects around DC may have constituted a final do-or-die push for survival by the Brood X cicadas, whose volume has dropped in recent manifestations due to human development reducing the numbers of trees they require at different stages of their lengthy life cycle.
[2]
However, it seems US authorities pre-empted the insect insurrection and extracted Biden from the area on the pretext of a visit to the G7 conference being held in Cornwall, UK, before the cicada hivemind could gather enough wing-soldiers to fully overwhelm the potent but ultimately disarrayed human defences facing them.
[3]
[4]
One lone cicada zealot managed to get to the president and land on his neck before he boarded his plane, presumably in an attempt to bite off his head or cut his throat, but was subdued by a swat of the hand before it managed to do any damage.
[5]Youtube Video
[6]
Displaying the disorientation which can accompany a near-death experience – or just the healthy, normal disorientation that comes with being a 78-year-old man doing the world's most stressful job – after dealing with his attacker, Biden advised the watching press: "Watch out for the cicadas. It got me. I got one."
The wisdom of this advice was borne out to the assembled journalists when a larger contingent of cicada forces grounded an aircraft that had been allocated to fly the White House press corp out to follow President Biden to the UK.
[7]Biden cancels Trump's bans on TikTok, WeChat, other Chinese apps
[8]It is with a heavy heart that we must tell you America's richest continue to pay not quite as much tax as you do
[9]Boeing confirms last 747 to roll off production line in 2022
[10]Broadband plumber Openreach yanks legacy copper phone lines in Suffolk town of Mildenhall en route to getting the UK on VoIP
Perhaps in spiteful retaliation for this publication warning the US authorities of the impending cicada menace, the Brood X swarm attacked the press plane in numbers and prevented it from taking off on Tuesday evening.
No humans were harmed in the attack, although the aircraft's engines were [11]reportedly filled with cicadas and a replacement plane and crew had to be swapped in, leading to the press pack's take-off being delayed for over seven hours. The Register had declined to send a reporter on this particular trip due to the possibility of recriminations from Brood X for Tuesday's article.
None the worse for his close call with death, President Biden's plane landed safely at RAF Mildenhall in Suffolk on Wednesday evening, before flying on to Newquay and the G7 summit, where the president will spend a pleasant few days waiting for the danger at home to pass.
[12]
The attack on Biden and the free press comes only days after Vice President Kamala Harris survived an attempt by a number of cicadas [13]to board her Air Force 2 aircraft shortly before it departed for Guatemala. The insectoid agents had secreted themselves in folds of other passengers' clothing and only the sharp eyes of the secret service saved the VP from what would have surely been an in-flight assassination attempt.
The dangers of lone cicada agents was also graphically spelled out when a driver in Cincinnati, Ohio, [14]crashed into a telephone pole and totalled his car after a large cicada flew in through an open window and hit him in the face. The driver sustained minor injuries while the cicada, clearly on a suicide mission, was declared "dead at the scene." ®
Get our [15]Tech Resources
[1] https://www.theregister.com/2021/06/08/dooropening_insect_megaswarm/
[2] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2YMKLh-BXLTBfTlDDtEmH5AAAAE0&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
[3] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44YMKLh-BXLTBfTlDDtEmH5AAAAE0&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[4] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33YMKLh-BXLTBfTlDDtEmH5AAAAE0&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[5] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbPNk1S5Shc
[6] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44YMKLh-BXLTBfTlDDtEmH5AAAAE0&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2021/06/10/biden_china_apps/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2021/06/09/tycoon_tax_affairs/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2021/01/13/final_747_shipment_2022/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/2021/05/07/openreach_mildenhall_copper/
[11] https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/09/us/politics/cicadas-biden.html
[12] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33YMKLh-BXLTBfTlDDtEmH5AAAAE0&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[13] https://apnews.com/article/cicadas-delay-biden-press-plane-9f5b49edb4b43370444846471fd1ac2d
[14] https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/jun/08/cicada-crash-ohio
[15] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
EvilDrSmith
Just send for the Scooby Gang... they know how to deal with a Cicada Bug Monster
(Mystery Inc, Season 1 episode 13, for those not getting the high class cultural reference)
I have rarely been more proud of El Reg's unique reporting
My other car WAS an IAV Stryker
If I could afford it, beers all around Vulture Central! Friday comes early!
What the Secret Service needs
disgruntled yank
Is cicada-killer wasps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKBYUoNP_dA
And actually birds eat quite a few--they just may be sated at this point.
When will scientist learn?
A. Coatsworth
Nothing good can come from calling your discovery or phenomenon "X"
Planet X, Parasite X, Monster X... the list goes on. An scientists though calling this "Brood X" was a good idea?
Had they called it "Fluffy Swarm of Love", nothing of this would had happened
In the not too distant future
yetanotheraoc
Joke now, but one day drone insects will be able to pull off an assassination. All it would take is one big chomp on the carotid artery. Some swarm of natural insects would provide perfect cover. No doubt the Secret Service has already discussed it.
Assassin Cicada
I doubt if a cicada would get much sap out of Joe, I suspect it's mostly formaldehyde.