BOFH: Bullying? Not on my watch! (It's a Rolex)
- Reference: 1616751011
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2021/03/26/bofh_2021_episode_3/
- Source link:
On the one hand the Company is trying to be as thoughtful as possible in accommodating the needs of staff over this protracted period, and on the other hand there's the iron fist of enforcement - all bundled up into a brand new bloke, Greg, the Workplace Wellness Facilitator.
[1]
His job is to routinely 'touch base' with each person on staff via Zoom calls and in the process of these calls put you in contact with appropriate support services, give you some advice on the good ways to streamline your return to the physical workplace and - the kicker - introduce you to the recent changes to your employment contract.
He's not a popular man.
[2]
"...and then you verbally assaulted him," I hear as my call connects.
"Yes," the PFY said.
"In my client's defence, he was provoked," I say.
"What?" the Boss asks, scanning his screen after realising there was someone else on the call.
"He was provoked," I repeat.
"This is a private call," the Boss says.
"Yes, but my client is contractually entitled to have a representative in any matters which may be considered disciplinary."
"Yes but I think..." the Boss says.
"ADDITIONALLY, my client is entitled to confer in private." I say, disconnecting the Boss from the call.
3 minutes later the Boss is back.
"I take it you've conferred with your client now," he seethes.
"Yes we have indeed. And I... oh, wait a minute..."
Another incoming call connection comes through and I answer. A fluffy pink unicorn appears on the screen.
"What's that?" the Boss asks.
"Uh, that's my client's emotional support animal - another of his new contractual entitlements."
"That's just ridiculous."
"No, the new contract states that the company values its employees and their needs in trying times and that they are entitled to emotional support animals in meetings."
"It's not a real animal!"
"The contract doesn't limit the support process to real animals, it simply says animals."
"I see." the Boss says, just wanting to get this over with. "Rather than debate this with you, I..."
Another incoming call comes onto the screen.
I answer.
"Who's that?" the Boss asks, as the new addition's on-screen picture lurches around the place.
"That's my emotional support animal," I say. "As I'd mentioned, our new contract entitles us to emotional support animals in meetings."
"IT'S NOT YOUR MEETING!"
"Again, the contract doesn't clarify who is entitled, it just says meetings."
"I see," the Boss says. "Well regardless, there's no animal there and the camera is broken."
"No, the camera's fine - my emotional support animal is a housefly. Anyway, if we can crack on with the issue at hand, I believe that the issue was that you were working through the sequence of events that led to..."
"A verbal assault," the Boss snaps.
"An alleged verbal assault, yes."
"There's nothing 'alleged' about it!"
"As I said before, my assistant was provoked."
"How was he provoked?!"
"I believe that the bloke in question introduced himself as a Workplace Wellness Facilitator.”
"And?"
"Look, if you want a nebulous position description that requires no real credentials, is devoid of accountability and offers carte blanche to make thinly researched changes to an organisation you may as well become an HR Consultant."
“I...” the boss blathers.
“...But to leverage a job position out of a global pandemic then imply that it gives you a mandate to implement compulsory employment contract changes in the name of workplace morale – BEFORE the PFY has his morning lagers – well that’s just asking for it.”
“He called him a P...” the Boss gasps.
“It’s irrelevant what he called him – he provoked the PFY. That’s like workplace bullying – and the policy he was telling the PFY about that very morning identifies bullying as a disciplinary offence.”
“He wasn’t bullying him, he just asked him to sign the con...”
“The new contract has very clear guidelines about dealing with staff who have been under a lot of pressure over the past year,” I interrupt.
“That's ridiculous.”
“It also says something about dismissing legitimate staff concerns out of hand like you did just then.” I sniffle. "I'm quite hurt. I may need some time to process this."
“That still doesn’t give him the right to...”
"You know this, uhm, passive-aggressive attitude of yours is, uh, undermining my, uh, feelings of self-worth and workplace autonomy," I say, reading my carefully made notes. "I feel that your negativity is, uhm, limiting my, uh, ability to act in a self-determining manner and, uh, robbing me of my opportunity to make a valuable contribution to the, uh, cooperative nature of the workplace."
"Me too," the PFY echoes.
"You realise that part of your new contract notes that the company may vary the terms of the contract from time to time," the Boss says, "And that the clauses you mentioned just now could very easily be removed."
"Not without write access to the HR archive they can't!" I snap back.
"You think you're so..." the Boss starts, stopping mid sneer as a huge red surface enters my support animal's screen image.
>SLAP<
“I’m sorry,” I say. “It appears my emotional support animal has just died and I’m going to need some time to grieve as noted in my contract under death of spouse or significant other. I'm thinking 3 days should do it.”
"Me too," the PFY says, as a lighter-fluid soaked unicorn spontaneously combusts.
...
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Re: Hummmm sounds familiar...
Big companies do that all the time. One previous company I worked for did the following:
- Invoked the "we may change these terms from time to time" clause in contracts to switch from a 40-hour week to a 1680 hour year, essentially allowing them to up a working week to nearly 80 hours during high-workload times. No consultation, and anyone whose contract didn't have that clause in was lumped in with everyone else. Objections were ignored.
- They issued four new company policies that had to be read and signed by every employee. Said policies contained flagrant lies about how the company paid it's employees the industry standard rate at minimum, among other things (one mate of mine left and got an instant £15k boost. My own job was advertised with a £5k inflated figure). I refused to sign, and after much back and forth they decided to just declare that I had clearly read and understood the policies and had therefore signed them.
Another employer I worked for had the lovely habit of repeatedly sending out emails about mental health, including linking through to webinars and videos on maintaining your own mental health. And then they put their employees under massive pressure to do the work, wasted a lot of employees time and work through mismanagement and generally burned out a lot of their staff. They have a very high employee turnover.
Re: Hummmm sounds familiar...
" I refused to sign, and after much back and forth they decided to just declare that I had clearly read and understood the policies and had therefore signed them."
I had that once (a long time ago in different times ect.), my counter was that i had objected and that their failure to terminate my employement or undertake abritration was a tacit agreement to acknowledge my refusal to accept the new contract and i just carried on as before.
So i think if a signature is necessary to complete the change of contract, a refusal is a clear No
I don't know who would win but both arguements have some merit in my mind, but i'm not a Lawyer, i would hate to rely on that as an Employer.
Re: Hummmm sounds familiar...
'On the "fly"'..how flattening.
Re: Hummmm sounds familiar...
It's all the buzz these days!
This wellness bloke. Was he called Harry?
No
He was called Andy.
"Not without write access to the HR archive they can't!"
Brilliant, I needed that
BOFH and PFY
my emotional support group
Reminds me off.
A previous employer of mine had a clause along the lines of "the company may changet his contract at any time". But one of our developers was employed via his own private company and argued that the phrase "the company" was ambiguous and he could change the contract as well.
So he changed the contract and named his company as the only party who could change the contract.
fine print, grey text
I always like finding the clause that gives them the power to change anything above at any time!
Hummmm sounds familiar...
Reminds me of the Managment Methods of a certain previous employer.
Change the rules on the fly so that the selected scapegoat gets the blame.