Two wrongs don't make a right: They make a successful project sign-off
- Reference: 1610105110
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2021/01/08/something_for_the_weekend/
- Source link:
"Oho, it couldn't be as bad as 2020!" you quipped, along with 7.8 billion others as the world spun in its approach to perihelion. Well now look what you've done: barely a week in and we're back in lockdowns, [1]Resyk is overwhelmed, and QAnon has fan-flicked a fourth instalment to the Olympus Has Fallen series.
[2]
That's all 2021 needs: Gerard Butler in a Jamiroquai buffalo hat.
"Roll on 2022!" you're now saying, effectively extending your hex to 24 months. Well stop it now and get back to working obediently from home, hauling some tea, tofu, and gin back to your bunker so you can simultaneously participate in Dry January, Veganuary, and Ginuary.
One thing I'm pleased to report that hasn't changed in the new normal is that IT systems management continues to be the usual circus act. I'm not mocking; I am sympathising. I have used the expression "circus act" ever since an ex-colleague on a project once confided with me that her IT management role could be described as "trampolining with lions while juggling Molotov cocktails in a fireworks factory".
Even in lockdown, virtual project team meetings follow the same format. First, each team member reports on the disasters that occurred the previous day, curiously nearly always around 5pm. The details are delivered in verbal hieroglyphics, along the lines of "the interface flange refeathered our cloud sonics" or "a spiking waterfall colorage unearthed ceramic distribution in the piping fishscales", which makes me wonder whether I'm on a development project or a crowdfunder for a book of T. Rex lyrics.
The rest of us nod as if we understood or tut politely. A request or two for clarity may arise such as "Do you mean it's broken?" and then more nodding and tutting. Things only kick off when a team member is foolish enough to report an event in comprehensible terms. All you need is someone to say "We've run out of sticky notes" and all Hell breaks loose, prompting the team to go full mental – rending clothes, tearing out hair, calling up Rudi Giuliani for legal advice, and delivering long speeches about the importance of adequate stationary supplies during a pandemic.
[3]Youtube Video
This kind of reaction just backs up my theory that the number of things to go wrong in IT projects rises in direct parallel relationship to the value placed on shit that doesn't matter. Each member of the team is expected to limit themselves to minutiae; user acceptability testing focuses on highly specific processes; anyone who puts their head above the parapet gets it shot off and told not to worry their pretty little head (now shot off) about the big picture.
The same approach is inflicted on all types of project, not just IT: everyone looking at unimportant things while nobody – or an overpaid tit – takes charge of the overall result, the target, the solution, the obvious. Only this type of thinking would explain how the UK's Royal Mint could design a brand new £2 coin celebrating the literary works of HG Wells that depicts a [4]four-legged tripod .
What were the chances? A million to one, you said?
Don't blame the artist, by the way. Commercial artists do what they're told, just like any other contractor. Excuse the horrible generalisation but they tend not to be the most well-read crowd either. Besides, after being told to draw a tripod from HG Wells' War of the Worlds , an artist who holds up three fingers and sees four possibly read George Orwell by mistake.
Look, if you fuck up 50 lines of crucial code, you would expect to be told to fix them. Same for artwork proofs: someone "in charge" (allow me a chuckle) would draw a red line through one of the Martian's Jake-the-pegs and mark it for deletion. Mistakes happen so you go looking for them. Unfortunately, you've been told not to worry your pretty little head about them so nobody else is either.
I blame it on the shift from outward-thinking to inward-thinking development culture. In t'old days, successful IT was referred to as a "solution": that is, it would be designed to solve a problem. Today's measure of IT success, however, is referred to as "disruptive": that is, it is designed to provoke a problem. Where once managing IT at senior level was all about putting out fires, it's now a role that rewards career pyromaniacs.
Only this kind of thinking can explain blatantly obvious fails such as this:
[5]
… or a book publisher that can't be arsed to spellcheck the name of its own best-selling author.
[6]
Getting it wrong is big business. According to Synopsys-sponsored CISQ Research, the [7]total cost of poor software quality (CPSQ) in the US last year was $2.08 trillion. Sure, some of that was due to moulding legacy software and straight-up IT project failures, but the vast bulk – some $1.56 trillion – was down to everyday "operational failures", of which cybersecurity failure is just one component.
If you want to get on in modern IT management, making software that doesn't work is where it's at. Whether it's a [8]track-and-trace COVID app or the [9]MCAS on a Boeing 737 Max , the trick is making sure each component is operational but don't bother to check the whole thing works at the end.
Mind you, HG Wells is a special case in this over-politicised world because he was a bit of an early 20th century [10]David Spart Esq . Wells was born in the southeast English town of Bromley – originally in Kent but since absorbed into the Greater London blob – where there used to be a [11]large mural in the town centre , less than a hundred metres from his birthplace, to celebrate his works.
The huge wall painting hailing such a lefty trot used to annoy Bromley's Conservative council for years. Eventually they took the opportunity to paint a new mural over it in 2009 to mark the bicentenary of the birth of Charles Darwin – a birth that took place 160 miles away in Shrewsbury.
Wrong is the new right, you see. Mind how you go… or rather, don't bother.
[12]Youtube Video
[13]
Alistair Dabbs is a freelance technology tart, juggling tech journalism, training and digital publishing. He is struggling to get back on track after two weeks of eating the same homemade Christmas cake. That is, just that one cake. He says he is nearly there and should be finished by Easter. More at [14]Autosave is for Wimps and [15]@alidabbs .
Get our [16]Tech Resources
[1] https://judgedredd.fandom.com/wiki/Resyk
[2] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_bootnotes/front&sz=300x250%7C300x252%7C300x600&tile=3&c=33X-iPpQao00Ep7tVW8hH7iQAAAUc&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
[3] https://youtu.be/Bbv5B71KmkA
[4] https://www.theguardian.com/books/2021/jan/05/hg-wells-fans-spot-numerous-errors-on-royal-mints-new-2-coin
[5] https://regmedia.co.uk/2021/01/08/4-baking-potatoes.jpg
[6] https://regmedia.co.uk/2021/01/08/follett-poster-billboard.jpg
[7] https://www.synopsys.com/software-integrity/resources/analyst-reports/cost-poor-quality-software.html
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2020/10/29/nhs_covid_19_app_update/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2021/01/08/boeing_737_charges/
[10] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memes_in_Private_Eye
[11] https://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6063/6073007115_577062f08f_b.jpg
[12] https://youtu.be/acZvOsxBEMg
[13] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_bootnotes/front&sz=300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251&tile=4&c=44X-iPpQao00Ep7tVW8hH7iQAAAUc&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[14] https://autosaveisforwimps.substack.com
[15] https://twitter.com/alidabbs
[16] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
stationary supplies
I do hate it when they move around.
Re: stationary supplies
Just outside Sawston in South Cambridgeshire are road signs to a "Stationery Factory".
Ironically it has now moved!
Re: stationary supplies
Shirley it would be a problem if it was signposted Stationary rather Stationery? Or I'm I just having a whoosh...
Re: stationary supplies
the chaps who manage our corporate laptops and phones and such have one stationary cupboard and one mobile cupboard.
Two wrongs do not make a right: three lefts do
Out of sticky notes? How will everyone remember their new passwords?
Re: Two wrongs do not make a right: three lefts do
You'd better leave a sticky note on the monitor reminding you to order more sticky notes.
Re: Two wrongs do not make a right: three lefts do
That's what my mate's mum used to do because she was terrified of making right turns :)
Re: Two wrongs do not make a right: three lefts do
"Out of sticky notes? How will everyone remember their new passwords?"
Jumping back a few Dabbsy columns, they'll be written on the interactive whiteboard in permanent marker.
"crowdfunder for a book of T. Rex lyrics"
As someone whose 16th year coincided with Mr Bolan's heights of popularity, that absolutely cracked me up! Cheers for brightening up my Friday, Mr Dabbs!
I was hoping for some Denim and Leather to go with the potatoes!
I thought at first (before spotting the problem) that the potato picture was a topical reference to this story:
[1]'Human foot' in Gateshead field turns out to be potato
[1] https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tyne-55585065
Talking of getting it wrong
Track and trace is what Royal Mail does with your post. Test and trace is the one the NHS does.
Re: Talking of getting it wrong
What was that about 2 wrongs?
At the moment, I am waiting on...
1. Track and Trace. Royal Mail to get back to me as to the whereabouts of a tracked item that is showing as being with them.
2. Test and Trace. NHS to tell me the result of drive-through facility test 1 week ago.
Re: Talking of getting it wrong
A few weeks ago, I ordered a case of UHT semi-skimmed through Amazon. I'd had it before, and my elderly mum - who it was for - asked me to get her some more.
I got an email telling me it was due Wednesday. Then one telling me it was due Tuesday, but superseded by another telling me Wednesday again.
On Wednesday, it was out for delivery 'before 8pm'. Bear in mind Amazon's despatch depot is 30 miles from my front door in the Midlands (UK). By 5pm it hadn't arrived, so I checked the tracking information.
It was in... Arlesheim, Switzerland (Herne-Börnig there is where the UPS depot is). I guessed it might not arrive on time. It didn't.
I was obviously worried about the compressions/decompressions on milk cartons. But just to test it further, the package then went to Köln and spent a bit of time there, then it went back to Herne-Börnig (presumably via Arlesheim), then Stanford-le-Hope (on the north bank of The Thames).
By this time, Amazon - whom I had already complained to - reported that 'it may have been lost' and that I was entitled to a refund. I took that.
Then I re-ordered from the original supplier. The re-order arrived two days later - by road this time - along with the original. The cartons in the original had mostly leaked, and the box was all wet and disintegrating.
Sometimes, you couldn't make it up. And I'd love to see the carbon footprint of THAT shipment.
Re: Talking of getting it wrong
So they still haven't got round to getting "parcel hasn't made the expected move" into the next sprint. However, to be fair to Amazon, they're not alone in the logistics world in collapsing into a heap when something goes akilter.
Software development is about more than assuming it all goes as intended, especially where the real world is concerned.
Re: Talking of getting it wrong
True, and to be even more fair to Amazon, UPS admitted THEY made the mistake.
Apparently it missed its planned connection and ended up going on holiday to Europe. They did apologise profusely.
It's still a logistics systems issue as you say, though.
Grauniad fluffed it again.
Has nobody else spotted that the Tripod's legs come from the bottom truncated cone-shaped part of the machine while the strange thing at the front is coming from a hole on the bottom of the saucer section? I wonder if there was supposed to be a hand or grab at the end of an arm that has been hidden behind the Invisible Man's coat?
Or, since there is a definite grab at the end of the tentacle emerging from the bottom of the Tripod, maybe the fourth "leg" is an access slide to keep baby Martians amused while mom and pop get on with the serious business of catching cold and killing themselves off in a spectacular demonstration of interplanetary suicidal stupidity?
Re: Grauniad fluffed it again.
"the serious business of catching cold and killing themselves off in a spectacular demonstration of interplanetary suicidal stupidity?"
Sadly we can no longer look down on the Martians for this.
Re: Grauniad fluffed it again.
I wondered about this but am not convinced. From time to time, someone claims the tripod depicted on the album cover of Jeff Wayne's WOTW has four legs until it's pointed out to them that what might look like a front leg is the "heat ray".
Re: Grauniad fluffed it again.
"Has nobody else spotted that the Tripod's legs come from the bottom truncated cone-shaped part of the machine while the strange thing at the front is coming from a hole on the bottom of the saucer section?"
No it isn't, it's exactly the same as the other three legs, the first articulated part just happens to be mostly in front of the body at the angle it's viewed (well, drawn) from.
Re: four legged tripod
Well, if Lowry was allowed to paint a five legged dog...
Re: four legged tripod
NEVER MENTION LOWRY!!!!!*
It starts that b*st*rd earworm of an [1]alleged song again. If I concentrate really hard I can substitute a [2]hippy-trippy option **.
* Yes, I've read Maskerade.
** Apologies for the number one presenter.
[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmopSVOMSsU
[2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NP6RzRfVlpA
Re: four legged tripod
Didn't David Dimbleby get a tattoo of six-legged scorpion a few years back?
Gerard Butler in a Jamiroquai buffalo hat.
You owe me a new keyboard Mr Dabbs.
"circus act"
Ah, yes, that's why we use the phrase "Not my Monkey, Not my Circus!" often in our office. Many thanks for the clarification!
Re: "circus act"
No, it's Polish, and the expression is "Not my circus, not my monkeys"
Verbal heiroglyphics
I once had a report land on my desk refarding an important piece of machinery, ' extreme flange pressure on the cremknacker coils was causing void spring failure'.
I knew it was BS, because we had stopped using cremknacker coils years before, we had replaced them all with toe joint spirals.
Though I liked the H.G.Wells mural, Darwin did live in the bourough at Downe House, Downe village. I used to rent a part of Downe Bank as horse pasture, one of the places that helped to inspire Darwin's theory due to some of the plants there being unique to that spot. IIRC one of the plants was a tiny orchid.
Re: Verbal heiroglyphics
Sadly, though fortunately too late to upset Mr Darwin, Chris G's horse ate the tiny orchid.
Re: Verbal heiroglyphics
"one of the places that helped to inspire Darwin's theory"
Also, I think, the inspiration for his work on the significance of earthworms.
Re: Verbal heiroglyphics
Isn't it time we all watched the Turboencabulator presentation again? It's been a while.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ac7G7xOG2Ag
the MCAS on a Boeing 737 Max
I read that as "the MCSA on a Boeing 737 Max"
Re: the MCAS on a Boeing 737 Max
No reason to drag Borkzilla into this, Boeing screwed up royally all on its own.
At a company I used to work for, we had a very old filling machine for sterile ampoules. It consisted of a rotating turret, and at various points the ampoules were successively filled, flame-sealed, and ejected.
The company was as tight as a duck's arse and wouldn't pay for servicing by manufacturers of equipment. It did it all in-house.
The machine turret was mounted on a large brass bush (bearing). It was so old and worn that the departmental engineer regularly had to insert shims to reduce the rocking and jamming problems. It produced rejects by the skip load.
In an attempt to sort out the problems once and for all, I suggested either a full manufacturer service, or buying a proper replacement bush from the manufacturer. I was viciously shouted down by both middle and senior management for daring to suggest that, as it was 'too expensive'. Instead, the department engineer took the bush out and - in the absence of any proper drawings, since they also cost money - had the local fab shop turn one up based on the original.
It was a bearing, and it needed to be very precise. But what we got back was a direct copy of the old worn one, with a bit added on.
Head-slap.
'too expensive'
And, of course, the skip loads of rejects weren't.
You probably won't be surprised to hear that that was EXACTLY how they thought.
In another department, a continuous candy cooker running at 1,300kg an hour would sometimes produce up to 100% rejects for an entire product run (the candy was medicinal and had active ingredients added).
No problem, because they could be reworked at up to 10% - by milling and storing them, then adding them at cooking time by adjusting the concentration of the active ingredients. No worries that the orders were now late, or that there had been costs involved making the rejects. Or that there were about 30 variants which couldn't be mixed.
By storing them, they hadn't been 'written off' and so no money had been lost!
The logistics of having to deal with that when I first took over managing that department were the stuff of nightmares.
"Where once managing IT at senior level was all about putting out fires, it's now a role that rewards career pyromaniacs."
You, sir, owe me one cheap but clicky mechanical keyboard.
Four baking potatoes
Five potatoes in a pack labelled 4 potatoes is clearly a consequence of Brexit.
Before Brexit, low paid but otherwise well-educated Europeans would come over at harvest time to assist our farmers. Not only could they pick potatoes but they could count as well.
Post Brexit, the pickers are the UK's finest, home-grown seasonal labour. Last Autumn they were picking potatoes; right now they are being trained to give vaccine jabs.
Re: Four baking potatoes
It's four potatoes and a Brexit bonus potato.
the interface flange
Snigger.
Just for reference, it's not a tripod
If you go to the Royal Mint website he says:
The characters in War of the Worlds have been depicted many times, and I wanted to create something original and contemporary. My design takes inspiration from a variety of machines featured in the book - including tripods and the handling machines which have five jointed legs and multiple appendages.
[1]https://www.royalmint.com/our-coins/ranges/annual-sets/2021-annual-coin-sets/celebrating-the-life-and-work-of-hg-wells/
[1] https://www.royalmint.com/our-coins/ranges/annual-sets/2021-annual-coin-sets/celebrating-the-life-and-work-of-hg-wells/
Re: Just for reference, it's not a tripod
And how many people believe that excuse?
.. But there can be no excuse for the invisible man hat screw up.
Re: Just for reference, it's not a tripod
"Multiple stories" = two
Damn, I must be getting old.
Two paragraphs in, and I've already had to google three things...
"adequate stationary supplies "
Needed because in a pandemic you have to stay put.