Mortal wombat: 4 generations of women fight for their lives against murderous marsupial
- Reference: 1591618504
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2020/06/08/wombat_attack/
- Source link:
The country is widely known to be unfit for human habitation, though people continue to insist on living there. When catastrophic bushfires aren't driving folk from their homes, the local fauna will give it a go instead.
Take this innocent paraglider who was [2]savagely beaten by a kangaroo on landing. Then there was the time cops were called to investigate a man's cries of [3]"why won't you die?" to discover he was not murdering a toddler as neighbours feared, but was rather locked in battle with one of Australia's many oversized and/or venomous spiders.
On The Register , wombats are merely known to be the cute, cuddly critters that [4]literally shit bricks . But it looks like this perception is in dire need of reassessment if the [5]4-10 June issue of Dubbo Photo News is anything to go by.
Splashing with "BERSERKER WOMBAT", page 3 tells a terrifying tale of a family under siege by the murderous marsupial. Jeanette Ambrose, 78, has lived at Daybreak Wildlife Sanctuary north of Dubbo in New South Wales for 40 years and, as you might expect, has plentiful experience with Australia's creatures great and small, including hand-rearing wombats.
Kim, who had just recently taken the cast off a broken ankle, limped out of her cabin to assist her mother – but the wombat only smelled weakness
So she thought "that's lovely" when her daughter, Kim, called her to say she had sighted one wandering the property.
She was wrong.
The beast climbed her veranda and tried to break into her house. "He looked up at me and just dived to get past me and I held him for a long time while screaming out to Nazarena, my 11-year-old great granddaughter, 'not to let him get you', and then he started biting me," Jeanette told the paper. "He'd bite pieces of my leg and so she ran to get help, meanwhile he was biting me up to my knees."
Kim, who had just recently taken the cast off a broken ankle, limped out of her cabin to assist her mother – but the wombat only smelled weakness.
"As soon as he saw me he immediately charged, he bowled me over and got the back of my legs," Kim recounted. "I shoved my hand down to protect myself, offering him my hand because I knew he was going to keep gouging. He was near my femoral artery so I had to have the guts to shove my hand down so then he got my finger and bit down until he exposed the bone."
I'd crawl along the ground and he just kept chomping again
We're two generations down now, but the bloodthirsty wombat was far from sated. Enter generation three: Kim's daughter Gemma was woken by her mother's screams, having worked into the wee hours that morning. She rushed out to meet the monster still wearing pyjamas.
"I saw Mum hobbling up and I heard Nan yelling to her to run, then I heard Mum screaming so I cut through the bush and saw Mum on the ground and the wombat on her finger. I picked up a plank of wood and hit him over the back."
Describing their assailant as "having a Terminator-type vibe," Gemma said her blows "didn't affect him."
"He just immediately turned around and bowled me over. I wasn't covered up so he started biting my thighs and I was just screaming for my life. I rolled onto my knees to try and get up and he bit me on the bum so many times, all around the backs of my legs.
"I'd crawl along the ground and he just kept chomping again."
Jeanette admitted that they believed the wombat would be the end of them. What a way to go.
But there is no power greater than a mother's love. Kim, freshly rebroken ankle and all, was enraged at the sight of Gemma being mauled so she grabbed a shovel. "I hit him with the shovel and he lunged at me and I fell backwards," she said. "After I fell, Mum came out of nowhere with the shovel and hit him to rescue Gemma."
Meanwhile, Gemma's husband was inside one of the property's houses working remotely for a "US aerospace company" with his headphones on – blissfully unaware of the carnage going on outside. Fortunately, he was roused by generation-four Nazarena, who had also called an ambulance and a neighbour. But it was the wisdom of late snake harasser Steve Irwin that ultimately saved the day.
Kim said: "All of a sudden I understood I had to grab him by the ear and head and lie on his back. It was watching Steve Irwin wrestle crocodiles that made me think of it, then I had both ears and Mum had a grip on his head. Mum was the only one with the experience so we've got the two men [husband and neighbour] and me to sit on the wombat and hold him down."
Was Jeanette about to draw on a lifetime of connecting with the fiends and calm the creature down? Was she f*$k.
She grabbed an axe.
"I... got them all to pull their hand out of the way and move their heads back while I swung it. I gave it two hits, the first one stunned him and even after the second one everyone stayed on him because we were all so terrified."
The Dubbo Photo News closed the horror story thus: "Police and ambulance arrived to tend to the wounded. The family say they're just glad everyone is alive."
The Reg , however, expects to see a surge in wombat-based slasher flicks and will leave you with this final thought: "WTF, Australia?!" ®
Sponsored: [6]How to Thrive in the Digital Economy
[1] https://www.theregister.com/2020/06/04/australia_pm_grass/
[2] https://www.theregister.com/2019/03/11/whats_up_skip_asks_paraglider_before_roo_beats_the_snot_out_of_him/
[3] https://www.theregister.com/2019/01/02/oz_cops_investigating_screams_of_why_dont_you_die_find_bloke_in_battle_with_spider/
[4] https://www.theregister.com/2018/11/19/wombat_cube_poo_demystified/
[5] https://issuu.com/panscott/docs/dpn20200604bwotc?fr=sZGNlNDY1MTIwNQ
[6] https://go.theregister.com/tl/1956/-8461/how-to-thrive-in-the-digital-economy?td=wptl1956
It's a shame Ed Wood is long departed. Killer Wombats from Outer Space! could have been a classic.
Come on.... seriously?
"Dubbo Photo News"? I suspect this is a highly suspect story about the marsupial suspect. Wombats are much loved here and are generally considered friendly, curious creatures. Gotta go.... have to park the kangaroo for the night.
Quoted as FreeBSD fortunes 3, 1562 of 2181
First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
Dial-A-Wombat.
It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in another phone booth.
There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and released it, too, in the scrub.
But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in telephone booths.
-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
Dubbo is afraid
I read that under the NSW Biodiversity Conservation Act 2016 it is illegal to harm a wombat "unless a licence is obtained from the Department of Planning, Industry and Environment."
Where can I apply for my wombat-harming license?
Re: Dubbo is afraid
err...
The department of PIE?
or did I misread something?
icon coz pie rated.
Re: Dubbo is afraid
Yeah, but is it planning, is it industry, or is it environment?
Re: Dubbo is afraid
Clearly planning. You would only apply for a license to harm a wombat if you plan to harm a wombat... surely?
Re: Dubbo is afraid
No. You’d apply for your license to kill if you were planning to make a wombat pie.
And how could a department so-named refuse you?
They're starting to wear clothing now?
"She rushed out to meet the monster still wearing pyjamas."
When did it put the pyjamas on? This seems relevant.
What kind of name is "wombat"?
I mean, it's nothing like a bat, it doesn't fly, it doesn't even have wings.
Is "wom" Australian for "nothing at all like a"?
Re: What kind of name is "wombat"?
I think 'cause "wom" is the sound the cricket bat makes went you use it to fend off the crazy beasties? and thus the name was born.
Re: What kind of name is "wombat"?
Obviously, it’s a bat with which you play the traditional Australian game of wom.
Not sure about the rules or size of the playing field etc. but I’m sure you can find out somewhere.
Mind you, in situations such as the one described in the article, you’d probably need a wombat-bat. Or should that be wom(bat)^2?
I sincerely hope it was not a rabid wombat. Rabies are not fun.
Was said wombat teleported from the Discworld just to "get rid of that pesky critter, buggrit millenium hand and shrimp!"?
Not very likely - rabies is one thing that we are fastidious about keeping out.
Mind you, the local analogues of it are not fun either, but they are mainly carried by bats, not marsupials.
There used to be military wombats...
W.O.M.B.A.T.
Weapon
Of
Magnesium
Battalion
Anti
Tank
Think of it as a really big bazooka!
Re: There used to be military wombats...
"There used to be military wombats... "
COVID connection. The WOMBAT was the improved version of the BAT.
Re: There used to be military wombats...
And then there is the taie of the anti-aircraft kangaroo squads.
Snopes, of course, has both versions available. Knowing someone who was on the fringes of the project, I can say that the 'official' version is *mostly* accurate.
A New South Walian wombat
Is unmatched in unarmed combat.
Bare-handed one can't match it,
But with the aid of a hatchet,
One may finally dispatch it.
Just don’t call in the army,
That decision would seem barmy,
In light of their failure against the Emu,
In the war of 1932.
[with apologies to poets everywhere...]
Could it be possible...
I'm imagining a team of scientists, many years hence, discovering that the many dangerous, aggressive, venomous, poisonous, etc. etc. creatures in Australia serve soft of as antibodies against foreign invaders. Ok, clearly science fiction, but would explain the abundance of nasty critters.
If true, keep an eye out for new species - something that behaves extremely aggressively toward anything producing EM radiation (and anything near that)...
Wombatnado
Long ago, I was told to collect the sounds of heartbeats for as many animals as possible. I took the electronic stethoscope and the tape recorder and went to the zoo, where I'd arranged to meet a cooperative zookeeper. Most animals were uncoooperative, but I got quite a few recordings. The two scariest animals I met were the ostrich -- and the wombat. Those beasts got claws.
Re: Wombatnado
That sounds like an awesome project. Especially having a sample library to pick & mix from for future horror movies. When I visited Australia, I saw a police team educating people about the risks of Australian wildlife.. of which there seemed many. They warned that wombats have a tendency to curl up on roads, then flip cars that hit them.. Presumably so the combat wombats can then mug the drivers.
I still think the cassowary's the scariest critter though.
I love the headline. It would indeed make a good film. Perhaps starring Holly Wallaby.