A real loch mess: Navy larks sunk by a truculent torpedo
- Reference: 1589786773
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2020/05/18/who_me/
- Source link:
This week's confession comes from "Colin", and takes us back a good few years to when the Royal Navy was in the throes of validating the torpedo designs of a favoured contractor.
Back then, "I was a real engineer," said Colin, his chest puffed out, "and not a code-slinger. I worked on underwater weapons for a certain company, which had a contract with the Royal Navy."
Colin was involved in the guidance system of the torpedo and so, when the Navy decided it was time for a user acceptance test, he and the rest of the design team accompanied the prototype to a remote loch, deep in the heart of Scotland.
We can imagine the scene. Skies of flinty grey, an icy wind and an awful lot of boot polish.
As Colin recalled: "On the shore was a small stand, with a collection of chairs and tables, where were seated about half a dozen uniformed Navy types, each equipped with the mandatory pair of binoculars and clipboard."
All eyes were trained on the loch as the carefully crafted prototype was delicately manoeuvred toward the water atop the appropriate platform. "A converted tea trolley," admitted Colin.
Once in, a countdown was solemnly intoned. The torpedo was activated and, being a self-propelled device, began to move.
"All binoculars followed the white furrow on the surface of the water," recalled Colin, "while our chief engineer enthusiastically showed the Navy guys how the remote control worked."
'We're changing shift, and no one can log on!' It was at this moment our hero knew server-lugging chap had screwed up [2]READ MORE
It all seemed to go swimmingly at first until Colin noticed the chief engineer was getting even more enthusiastic with the controller; waving it around wildly and then smacking the side of it with his hand.
Oh dear.
While the engineer struggled, the uniforms had got to their feet and were following the white furrow made by the torpedo with a renewed, fixed interest.
Colin pulled out his own binoculars to see what had attracted the attention of the brass.
Oh.
The white furrow, recalled Colin, was "unswervingly heading towards a small boat, from which one of the locals was fishing".
There is a certain inevitability that, with the whole of the loch to choose from, the torpedo would head for the chap enjoying a bit of alone time, with only rod and bait for company.
"To give him his due," said Colin, "he had probably seen enough movies where a white trail in the water, coming towards your vessel, usually ended badly. So he leapt from the boat, a few seconds before the impact."
And end badly it did. There was no warhead on the torpedo, but it still remained a substantial chunk of metal and machinery. The impact made short work of the fragile fishing boat.
The unfortunate fisherman was swiftly rescued by a Royal Navy inflatable, "while our chief engineer mumbled things about lawsuits and damages while pointing to us engineers".
However, although down a fishing boat, the victim waved off the Navy's enquiries over his health and the, er, legal implications of the incident. "To everyone's surprise," remembered Colin, "he said his only condition was to be taken home in an official Royal Navy car."
Scarcely able to believe their luck, the team immediately agreed. And the reason?
"If I tell my wife I was torpedoed while fishing, she'll never believe me."
We can imagine the conversation: "So, tell me again: what happened to the boat?..."
Let he or she who has never told a tall tale to a significant other in order to cover up an act of foolishness, or an extended visit to the pub, cast the first stone.
And the uncooperative underwater weapon?
"Someone," said Colin, "had left out an 'O' ring during the final assembly, and the electronics got introduced to the health benefits of the loch water."
Ever had a sinking feeling when your project veered out of control and threatened the innocent? Or had to come up with an excuse when reality was simply too implausible? Confess all with an email to [3]Who, Me? ®
[1] https://www.theregister.co.uk/Tag/who-me
[2] https://www.theregister.co.uk/2020/05/11/who_me/
[3] mailto:whome@theregister.co.uk
Similar to...
"The chances of
Re: Similar to...
"It's a dead cert", well, nine time out of ten.
Obligatory request for a Sir Pterry icon
Re: Of course it was going to hit the boat!
Pretty much inevitable really.
Many years ago, and before digital photography was even remotely widespread a friend at the time showed the (digital) video of when he and some friends gave their home made rocket powered it's maiden flight. It was large and had to be launched from a height of about six feet therefore was hand launched by a few people carrying it at shoulder height in the quasi-suicidal way that these guys operated. The plane launched successfully, dropped down to near ground height skimming the grass while very slowly gaining height. It was launched on a ranch, with the only things in sight other than grass being some very distant trees and a single, inexplicable, fence post several hundred metres away. Inevitably the plane hit this fence post dead on, not even a glancing blow.
I've tried searching for this video online, but just can't find it, which is a surprise seeing as these guys were pioneers in all things digital :(
New all time favourite
Think this is my new favourite who me
Re: New all time favourite
Absolutely! Pure 'Carry on ' gold.
Re: Pure 'Carry on ' gold.
Well either that, or "The Navy Lark", as per sub heading and picture;
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Navy_Lark
:-)
.
No, I'm not really that old. I just happened to catch it by accident while trying to record re-run episodes of "I'm Sorry I'll Read that Again" at 3am on NZ radio in the 80's. This was an instructive process, because some times I also got to listen to the NZ shipping forecast.
At least the O-ring wasn't frozen this time...
"A checklist is a type of job aid used to reduce failure by compensating for potential limits of human memory and attention. It helps to ensure consistency and completeness in carrying out a task."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Checklist
A.k.a. "Yes, of course I've rebuilt it properly. And look at all these parts I've saved!"
Re: At least the O-ring wasn't frozen this time...
Ah! Saving parts; The Ikea principle™.
Re: At least the O-ring wasn't frozen this time...
Bloody O rings. It must be a Soviet conspiracy.
Re: At least the O-ring wasn't frozen this time...
Pre late '80s or early '90s Johnson/Evinrude small single cylinder outboards in the 4 to 6.5 hp class (sometimes called sailboat pusher motors) have a copper water line from the waterpump down by the prop up to the powerhead. The connection between engine block and tube is sealed with a simple o-ring. When the engine is run, the o-ring gets wet. When the engine is shut off, the o-ring dries out. Leaving behind anything dissolved in the water. Especially salt, if the motor is run in the ocean.
These deposits build up over time, gradually putting pressure on the o-ring. Either the iron block, or the soft copper has to give. The copper loses, of course. So eventually, the copper pipe is pinched off, and the engine no longer gets fresh water, and so it overheats.
The fix is simple. Remove the copper pipe, heat it up, run a mandrel through it to pop out the pinch, replace the o-ring (a 19 cent part) & Bob's your Auntie.
Unfortunately, R&Ring the pipe involves pulling the entire powerhead, which is just short of a complete engine overhaul. About a 4 hour job. At $165/hr shop rate. Plus any parts that may need to be replaced because they are too worn to be reassembled.
Bottom line: It can cost well over $1,000 to replace a 19 cent o-ring ... on a motor that is worth maybe $500 if it runs well and looks pretty. And that is from an honest shop.
Bloody O rings indeed. This round's on me.
Re: At least the O-ring wasn't frozen this time...
Another O ring story: I worked for an oilwell service company. The instruments were housed in steel (or titanium) tubes, joined with union nuts. All the instruments had 2 60 mm O-rings to seal the joint, except one joint on one instrument used a 59 mm O-ring.
One day the inevitable happened, the 2 sized were swapped (they are hard to distinguish visually). Everything went fine till about 3 km below the surface. Then the signal disappeared. When retreiving the instruments, they were filled with water and all transistors and relays were completely flattened by the 300 bar pressure.
Too many return() statements in the code?
> The impact made short work of the fragile fishing boat.
And here was me thinking that the story would end with the torpedo performing a U-turn and heading back to "honour" all the naval types on the jetty.
Re: Too many return() statements in the code?
Me too
Almost the Royal Navy -->
Re: Too many return() statements in the code?
It's a very relevant branch of the RN
Re: Too many return() statements in the code?
I was expecting the extra bunker at Sandwich.
Waving it around wildly and then smacking the side of it
Left hand down a bit...
Everybody down!
Re: Waving it around wildly and then smacking the side of it
Who's been playing with Lesley's hooter?
This would have been more believable if the boat sunk had been one of the weapon retrieval boats. The ones that also clear the area before the trial starts.
Chinny reckon IMO. There plenty of real 'Who, me?' situations, why print dubious ones?
I was with the story until the civilian in a fishing boat. Anyone care to chip in with a reason why the Navy wouldn't have cleared the area of non-essential personnel?
Speaking as a sometime rural fisherman ...
... who knows a lot of rural fishermen, he probably didn't get the Navy Memo. And if he did, it obviously didn't apply to him. All he was doin' was goin' fishin', ain't no Navy in this little bit o' fresh water, they hang out in the ocean. Besides, I always go fishing at this hour.
Too secret, Why draw attention by clearing the area?
I was with the story until the civilian in a fishing boat. Anyone care to chip in with a reason why the Navy wouldn't have cleared the area of non-essential personnel?
Because that civilian wasn't a civilian but a flag rank (probably retired) officer from one of the dry branches.
SNAFU: Situation Normal, Army ...
Oops!
It reminds me of torpedo trials back in the 70's. My girlfriend's dad was an engineer in the Navy ship design department and involved in final validation of a new torpedo. It was fired from a submarine, shot off forward looking fine but then started to veer off course. It continued in a wide arc for a full 360 degrees, and approached the sub from the rear. Fortunately it wasn't armed and no serious damage was done. The excuse I heard was that its tracking system (sonar) was too sensitive and picked up the sub's own signal. It was sorted and the torpedo entered service but was never trusted - retained a reputation for unreliability and didn't remain in service for long.
This lead to additional requirements
1) The weapon shall self-destruct if it does a 180".
That worked well, until one got stuck in the tube and the sub turned round to go home. "Boom!" - this did happen for real :-(
Further requirements were added...
Re: Oops!
Well macaroni does have a curve in it : seems like they never did manage to straighten it out.
Re: Oops!
An interesting documentary on the discovery channel seemed to indicate that since the sinking of the USS Tang in 1944 (by its own Torpedo's) that all Torpedo's had an in built safety that would deactivate them if they turn 180 degree's
Re: Oops!
I cannot confirm nor deny this [which is the standard response for something that may be classified if confirmed or denied]. But in the movie 'Hunt for Red October' the Alpha captain disabled the safeties on his torpedos so that Capt. Ramius could not go in a semicircle to avoid getting blown to smithereens (and then he was later hoisted by his own petard when they came around and hit HIS sub). If the movie has any accuracy when compared to real life, there ya go.
What could have been ...
I was convinced that the tea trolley was going to be taking a larger role in this tale!
Re: What could have been ...
It kept calm and carried on.
"If I tell my wife I was torpedoed while fishing, she'll never believe me."
You owe me a new keyboard and cup of coffee.
Where as...
"If my wife told me she was torpedoed whilst I was fishing..."
Test passed
I wonder -- the Navy should have been very happy, they got a kill on the first try.
Was the fisherman of German descent, by the way?
Re: Test passed
> they got a kill on the first try.
I think that would be a first for any modern-day torpedo.
I wonder if it was here?
http://www.abandonedscotland.com/torpedo-testing-station-arrochar-may-2011/
Right next to the road up to the Rest and Be Thankful, top end of the Loch from Faslane.
Rather derelict now, but good for a nosey around
Re: I wonder if it was here?
Thanks for the link to Abandoned Scotland - we have a couple to add to their collection.
"If I tell my wife I was torpedoed while fishing, she'll never believe me."
Mine wouldn't either :-0)
Version 2...
The setup was similar, but without the top brass. The torpedo was launched in a similar fashion for a simple control test. Move the lever forward and the torpedo would set its fins to submerge. Pull the lever back, and up it would come. Now, consider what would happen if the lever was wired the wrong way round. Yes, it dived for the bottom and kept going, until it buried itself in the silt at the bottom of the loch. You can’t just put a few red and white cones round it, so the company had to extract it. Hoping it was a cost-plus contract, a big tug from a foreign country was ordered to come with a big crane and recover it ASAP. It was recovered eventually, but I doubt if anyone in the group got a pay rise that year.
If you enjoyed that, you'll enjoy this...
For those on Twitter, may I recommend https://twitter.com/Canocola for more naval stories that end somewhat sub(sic)-optimally
A recent example of his (could be her) style, the start of a thread about the K-class submarines:
If any of you have ever looked at a submarine and thought "If only they'd whacked a couple of funnels on that" then don't worry, the Royal Navy have your back.
Being on the receiving end
When I worked at the Royal Greenwich Observatory we used to send heavy equipment to our observatory on the Canary Islands by freighter. We were very surprised when we were informed that a Harrier jump jet had landed on it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alraigo_incident
Of course it was going to hit the boat!
Sod's law and all that!