If Microsoft made a car... what would it be?
- Reference: 1771146906
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2026/02/15/if_microsoft_made_a_car/
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These individuals were recently celebrated in "On That Side Of Things," a spin-off of the [1]Smith and Sniff podcast in which Jonny Smith, a former presenter of the Fifth Gear UK television show, and Richard Porter, a writer for Top Gear and The Grand Tour, discuss cars and many other things.
Smith and Porter were answering a listener's question about Microsoft products, which led Porter to express his frustration with some of the applications produced by the Windows behemoth, notably the online version of Excel, as well as Word's habit of occasionally doing unexpected things with tables and styles.
[2]
Porter complained about difficulties when trying to insert lines in Excel. (Which, to be fair to Microsoft, is relatively straightforward – need to insert a row? Right-click on a selected row. Need to insert a line in text? Alt+Return is probably going to be your friend.) But then Porter turned to that other productivity stalwart, Word.
[3]
[4]
"Never underestimate Microsoft's ability to make things more complicated," he said.
"It's almost like having an Alfa Romeo … you just go 'Oh, yeah, it always does that. I'm kind of used to it now. I accept it. It's character, isn't it?'
[5]
"Except it's not 'character' in a piece of software. It's just irritating."
Porter went on to give an example, "My favorite thing in Word is when you go, 'I'm just going to paste in something here, but I think we've already established that I've already written 3,000 words in Times New Roman 12-point. I'm just going to paste this little guy in here and… OH LOOK, YOU'VE CHANGED THE WHOLE F**KING THING TO WINGDINGS FOR NO APPARENT REASON."
[6]Microsoft dials up the nagging in Windows, calls it security
[7]'Another dark day': Users slam Microsoft over Polyglot Notebooks deprecation
[8]Notepad's new Markdown powers served with a side of remote code execution
[9]Microsoft warns that poisoned AI buttons and links may betray your trust
"It's infuriating." Porter continued in a similar vein for some time (and there is likely a special slot reserved in the Bad Place for whoever came up with Word's table implementation), but his experience raises an interesting question.
If Microsoft's products were a car, what car would it be?
A classic Alfa can quickly be discounted, since the styling and driver engagement handily offset the vehicle's habit of dissolving if looked at funny, or its ability to vomit its engine and gearbox contents abruptly onto the road. A humdrum family hatchback that is dull but gets the job done with tedious competence can also be dismissed.
[10]
So what is the automotive equivalent of Microsoft's current output?
Sound off in comments and let us know.
(In the interests of full disclosure, this writer is a subscriber to the podcast and thinks you should subscribe to it too. The Register , of course, has no position when it comes to motoring in social media.) ®
Get our [11]Tech Resources
[1] https://smithandsniff.com/
[2] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2aZGnTT6bEVXH9gHcNHmPJgAAApE&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
[3] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44aZGnTT6bEVXH9gHcNHmPJgAAApE&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[4] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33aZGnTT6bEVXH9gHcNHmPJgAAApE&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[5] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44aZGnTT6bEVXH9gHcNHmPJgAAApE&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[6] https://www.theregister.com/2026/02/10/microsoft_windows_security/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2026/02/12/polyglot_notebooks_deprecation/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2026/02/11/notepad_rce_flaw/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2026/02/12/microsoft_ai_recommendation_poisoning/
[10] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bootnotes&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33aZGnTT6bEVXH9gHcNHmPJgAAApE&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[11] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
You forgot to say that at random times, when you are driving, it flashes up adverts that prevent you from seeing out of the windscreen.
Yeah, and if you touch the aircon control when the heating is on the car instantly flips into reverse gear at the same speed. You cannot operate the brakes, or get it back into forward gear, until you have switched off the radio - except, the radio controls are inside the glove compartment, which locks up when in reverse gear "to prevent accidental spillage of the contents".
None of this is documented, except by victims desperately seeking solutions on the Help forum, and being told by the droids to stop the engine and start it again.
A Microsoft car?
No door handles on the inside because Microsoft says you have no reason to leave
No steering wheel, pedals, or any other controls; Copralot will manage everything
OTA updates will be thrown at you while you're zooming along the freeway, forcing you to re-boot at the least opportune moment
Because of the forced (almost always buggy) upates, your car will fail to start or drive for one week of each month
That's just off the top of my head.
It's made in a shed...
...by a weirdo who's convinced that he's created the perfect car, it just needs a bit more tinkering or a widget added there, perhaps some more wheels, and on, and on, and on he goes...
After all these years, he's still absolutely certain that he's right.
People used to humour him, then they got a bit tired of him, now they've started to cross to the other side of the road to avoid him, and blank him in the street if he tries to accost them.
Clippy Copilot: Would you like some help with driving?
driver: No thanks.
Clippy Copilot: I can really improve the driving experience for you. Would you like some help with driving?
driver: No!
Clippy Copilot: I can see you are communicating with me while driving. That is potentially unsafe and I will park the car for you so we can have a chat.
driver: No! FUCK OFF!
Clippy Copilot: You are driving distracted and with heightened emotions. Those are dangerous combinations. I'll turn off the car now for you.
Crash! Boom! Crash!
driver: At least it killed itself.
Trabant!
When describing the difference between Windows and Linux I would liken Windows to a 1950s/60s car. It required very regular maintenance to keep running, would overheat and come to a stop if you ran it a bit hard. Plus, you needed to drag a trailer around behind the car with anti-virus software to try and keep the car safe which then slowed it down.
Whereas Linux was a modern 2000's car - 10,000 miles between services (Windows car 6000 or less), was more secure by design and no trailer full of AV required making Linux faster in use.
So I don't have a specific vehicle in mind that 'is' Windows - for general horribleness the Austin Allegro perhaps (1973 - 1982) but there are many contenders - Lada, early Skoda, Dacia, Trabant!
Re: Trabant!
At one point, the Austin Allegro came with a square steering wheel, reminiscent of the MS Windows logo used at various times.
One of those rackety clown cars, if course. I note the slogan "Where do you want to go today?" has long been retired, likely on the basis that this thing isn't going anywhere, and if it should manage to limp off the drive M$ will tell you where you can go and impose a copilot to make sure you get there - and only there.
Most people would do better with a pogo stick.
It will have six doors that are located randomly around the bodywork, including on the roof and underside. They all have external handles but only one will have an internal release. Not all of them lock and the car's security system simply consists of a little red flashing LED on the dashboard. Shoving a teaspoon into the ignition barrel allows the car to be started and driven without keys.
Using the keys instead enables a cryptographic exchange between the key fob and the car which has a 50% chance of refusing to start the engine. If the car refuses to start, it will never start again without supplying an additional passkey.
The car was originally controlled through a fairly conventional layout that you could have customised to suit your preferences.
Now the car is controlled through a flat panel interface with an awkward and confusing layout that cannot be changed, and offers no useful driver feedback. It also has a camera at the top of the panel pointed at your face that cannot be turned off.
It does however contain advertising for LinkedIn and other services you don't need when controling the cars functions, in some cases appearing over the top of your view of the road. Microsoft says the adverts, interface changes and inclusion of the camera is all part of enhancing the driving experience.
The car has three wheels. Two of them are round but different sizes, the third one is located centrally at the back. Microsoft say that CoPilot designed the new mandatory rear wheel, which is made of wood and has a hexagonal shape. This is claimed to improve stability. Microsoft engineers didn't test the new wheel, but the AI seemed confident it would be fine so pushed it to production anyway.
It will also have an impenetrable configuration backend with an infinite number of items that you can assign arbitrary values to, and which can completely screw up your car. Trouble is, you have to do this to overcome the random cough that the engine has at 78.3 mph on a cold Saturday in February. After you’ve done it though, you have to remove and reinstall the engine and three of the six doors, but then you can only drive with the windows half way up on said doors. After a few months of this you decide to scrap it and get an Apple Car, which is more expensive than your house but at least it gets the job done.
Kia, seriously
Just rented a Kia minivan.
One knob, on the left, controls BOTH radio volume AND heater fan speed
An identical knob, 18" to the right, controls both choosing a radio station, AND heater temperature.
You switch between radio controls and heater controls, by pressing a tiny button one third of the way across the dash. With utterly cryptic icons. One of which was either an up arrow or a North map icon.
These were all at knee level, so you could take your eyes completely off the road any time you got cold.
Far above them was a giant touchscreen, which seemed to have no real function but to activate directions in the map to somewhere I've never visited.
No owners manual in the glovebox. "Download the Kia app "
And of course, my phone never did connect on Bluetooth
The Microsoft car
It would be a hybrid: the build quality of British Leyland, Alfa-Romeo levels of reliability and durability, Lada engineering, Korean design, QA from Detroit and the running costs/depreciation of a Rolls-Royce. On the bright side, it wouldn't run systemd.
Linux cars, you can optionally change the driver interface to something totally different. In order to drive anywhere you might need to retro fit any number of different engine components.
And for certain purposes you will need to purchase spare parts that require you to obtain a package of raw materials and put them through a manufacturing process before they can be fitted to the car. Unfortunately this process will probably fail because you didn't set it up right and half a dozen dependencies are missing from the car.
And the drivers will be whining non-stop superciliousness and sanctimony at drivers of other vehicles, mostly talking about faults that don't exist. You know who you are Jeff Albertson lookalikes / soundalikes.
Linux cars...
Apple cars ?
A BYD electric with a decent interface and software, costs an arm and leg and everything, like chargers, is Apple specific.
(I don't much like Apple but an iCar would probably deliver few surprises and its passengers to their destination.)
Immediately thought of Enid Blyton's Noddy
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe4k_ETLqNE
The graphic designers are certainly from the Microsoft stable.
The Microsoft Cabriolet would be a three wheeler, feature a Wankel rotary engine, a 17V DC electrical system, joystick steering, cable operated drum brakes and a roof that half retracts before permanently jamming. Probably requiring aviation kerosene.
With tinted windows BSOD takes on a whole new dimension.
Diesel gate era VW
They'd far rather you leased it rather than own it. Covers up massive software flaw. Constant check engine lights. Gearbox might just refuse to select gears on occasion.
Yet the masses still think VW is a safe bet and think if you happen to run a 15 year old Toyota you're driving something due for the scrap heap.
It's a fleet, not one car
It depends on which product we're talking about.
Windows has very solid underpinnings. It's the stuff on top of it that's the problem. In that regard it's like a very solid supermini that's got sporting pretensions. Remember when the original hot hatches came out, and everyone had to have one, so we got a "sporty" Austin Maestro? Which wasn't actually sporty because they'd fundamentally misunderstood the brief. Well it's like that, except with a much better set of running gear under it.
I'm guessing it'd be like having Pagani try to make a hot hatch version of a Honda Jazz, except that their budget for it was "three quid, all the coffee you can drink, and whatever you can find in your factory". Oh, and they weren't allowed to touch the engine or other running gear. Everything is trying to be wild and crazy and modern, but there's no good REASON for it to be like that. And whilst a Zonda's nuttiness is compensated for by the sheer thrill of driving the thing, this still moves like a Honda Jazz, making its insanity unforgivable.
Office, meanwhile, has almost the opposite problem. Its underpinnings are a rotten, ancient, godawful curse - but they're trying to make a functional and attractive modern vehicle on top of that. The Microsoft Office car is probably more like someone trying to make a modern Crossover on the running gear of an Morris Oxford Series III, better known as the Hindustan Ambassador. The senior management love the idea because they get to re-use all this existing technology, but it's simply not capable of doing the actual job properly. Everyone using it knows this, but it's still a ubiquitous car in some places for historical reasons.
Everyone will have their own opinions of what other products like SQL Server or SharePoint are.
Microsoft isn't one car. They're a fleet of cars, and your management is determined that all Company Cars will be selected from that fleet. Which kinda sucks, as it means that the low level engineer gets a good car, and the high level manager gets a clown car that falls apart every time it stops moving. (I think we're all agreed that's SharePoint, right?)
I've been using Word in versions from 1997 onwards, and it has NEVER done that paste thing the guy was complaining about.
Austin Alllegro
Obviously?
I'll just preemptively leave this here ...
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/car-balk/
Windows Vista
Horse and cart.
With a dead horse.
The microsoft car.
The steering wheel is underneath near the exhaust. The radio is attached to the fuel cap and turning it on puts the car into Park. The door handles spin as they're connected to the front wheels.
To start the car you have to insert the key, turn it 360 degrees left, then 720 degrees right, turn on the RIGHT heater, flip the turn left indicator four times then press the brake eight times quickly and three times slowly.
Microsoft says they understand this is irritating, but screw you, customers