BOFH: Eight pints of a lager and a management breakthrough
- Reference: 1769770806
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2026/01/30/bofh_2025_episode_2/
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ASSUME MANAGEMENT-FAD BRACE POSITIONS!
The thing about management fads is they're like turds in a sewer – a new one will be floating by before you know it – and they all generally stink.
[1]
Having been through a colored hat debacle, a colored belt cult, a one-minute mismanagement trial, a 360° feedback death spiral, some Core Incompetence groupings, Management by Objections, Matrix Management, and finally, agility training for couch potatoes, we've had enough changes in direction to require a Dramamine prescription.
[2]
[3]
...
The Boss is positively glowing with an abundance of goodwill to all men – because he now knows the solution to our problems.
[4]
Or rather this month's solution to our problems.
"We need to go Agilely Lean!" he sighs benevolently.
"I'll let the cafeteria know," I reply. "Quickly."
[5]
"No, I mean lean business – rapid delivery."
"Like pizzas?" I say, tapping away at my phone.
"No. I mean yes, rapid delivery, but not food. We want to stop getting bogged down in trivia. We want to get things done fast, in sharp focus, no side-tracking from the main task!"
"So... I shouldn't have ordered pizzas?"
"I didn't ask you to order pizzas," the Boss says. "I... uh ... What sort of pizza was it?"
And that's all it takes. I've reset the Boss with fast food.
"Meat lovers," I lie.
"Oh. How many did you order?"
"Three," I say.
"So... only enough for..."
"Three of us. Sorry, should I have invited the office?"
"No. I'm sure they'd rather... have cafeteria food," the Boss lies.
And the latest price check on staff loyalty is a meat lovers pizza...
The problem with soft resets, though, is that like glitched RAM they don't fully clear the memory. To be on the safe side, we really need to give the boss a full factory reset.
"Apparently there's free ice cream down the road at 5pm," I say.
"Free ice cream?" the Boss asks, looking up keenly.
"Oh, is that at the model train display?" the PFY asks, seeing where I'm going.
"Model train display?" the Boss echoes, even more keen.
"Yeah, and I heard Claudia Schiffer is opening it," I reply.
"Claudia Schiffer?" the Boss whimpers, mentally reaching back in time for a PDA to cancel his afternoon meetings.
I'm cautiously optimistic that we're on the road to success, but to make the reset permanent we'll need a catalyst...
"Who fancies a pint?" the PFY says, adding: "On the way to the train display."
"I... uh..." the Boss says, indecisively.
"I'm in!" I say.
"Well, I guess we could put it down as a team-building exercise to go through the course material."
And that's another gnawing frustration. Boss types are always spending up large at the merch table, buying eye-wateringly expensive paraphernalia they think will invigorate others.
"No need!" I cry. "The PFY put that into the shredder when the carton arrived this morning."
"THE SHREDDER?!"
[6]BOFH : Every computer system eventually serves ads
[7]BOFH : The Christmas spirit has run dry – time to show some chiller instinct
[8]BOFH : All through the house, not a creature was stirring except the homicidal vacuum cleaner
[9]BOFH : If another meeting is scheduled, someone is going to have a scheduled accident
"Yeah, it'd end up there in a couple of months anyway, so he just cut out the middleman. Anyway, let's get that pint and chat about it."
Seven pints later, the Boss has stopped asking about Claudia Schiffer and I believe we've completed the factory reset. Now all we need to do is to apply our customized settings to his ROM.
"See, what the company really needs," I say to the Boss, "is a mantra – like doctors – to do no harm."
"Yes, yes. I see that," the Boss says after a significant delay for processing.
"And often, in bad situations, doing something can make things worse."
"Mmmm," he agrees, nodding slowly.
"So, if we limit our activities, we limit the situation to a smaller sphere of influence," I explain.
"And we also ensure we can't get blamed for making things worse," the PFY says.
"Mmm, yes," the Boss says dully, seeing the upsides.
"And so our motto should be 'Make the situation better by limiting the impact of your activities which might make it worse.'"
We pause for several seconds while the Boss runs this through his beer-impaired processor.
...
"It's a bit of a mouthful – for a mantra," he mumbles.
"True. But how could you trim that down to a couple of words that mean do nothing?"
...
"Why not that!?" the Boss blurts.
"Why not what?"
"Why not DO NOTHING?" the Boss says.
"DO... NOTHING..." I say, as if contemplating the resounding significance of it.
"Amazing," the PFY says. "We should do something about that..."
The next day the Boss is piling all his personal items into a cardboard box. It seems that eight is an unlucky number of pints to make business decisions. Not right next door to a two-hour printing outfit, at least.
Still, on the plus side, everyone in the building likes their coffee coaster and pen saying "DO NOTHING."
And the posters on the inside of the lift door were a nice touch...
[10]BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2026/01/16/bofh_2026_episode_1/
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[8] https://www.theregister.com/2025/12/19/bofh_2025_episode_24/
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He missed out being 5C'd (and yes, I've been through most of those over the years although I only attained a Green Belt in 6-Sigma before that fad thankfully ended again).
Ah yes. I worked with a company where one of the suits who looked as if he never left his office spouted about how they did 6 sigma. Cover was blown when I realised staff could not even be bothered to turn up to meetings on time. Or at all.
Being long in the tooth, I've been on lots of training courses for lots of fads. And that's after a fairly rigorous teaching in the fundamentals of various production practices: I recognise re-invented wheels.
I've had management consultants introducing wizzo ideas that were (in my opinion) doomed from the start. None lasted, strangely most of those 'consultants' have ceased trading (Physician, health thyself.....).
It's great to watch these people trying induce enthusiasm for 'new' tricks only to have their certainty undermined by someone who might know a bit more about this scam than they do.
What will next week bring? But today, it's Friday ---->
Ah yes, 6-Sigma.
Sadly, somewhere in my files there is a certificate announcing my skills as an ISO 9000 auditor. I keep it hidden to avoid the shame.
Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.
"an ISO 9000 auditor"
ISTR I might still have one of those around somewhere too, but it probably says "BS5750".
I don't think it's shameful, as long as the limitations of that standard are understood: it's not really a quality standard, it's more a documentation/paperwork standard.
Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.
MS5750 was always explained to me as you can get away with anything as long as it follows a documented process.
If that process says the box must be dropped 5 times between end of production and being loaded onto the delivery lorry that's completely fine as long as it is always 5 times exactly.
Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.
But woe betide you if you didn't follow the process even if you were exceeding it!
5750 Auditor: What's your backup retention?
Me: Daily for 7 days, Weekly for 4 Weeks, Monthly for 12 Months, Annual for ever.
5750 Auditor: Oh you cant do that, you must follow a Grandfather - Father - Son rotation.
He didn't know what he was talking about of course and was just reciting from the Quality Manual*. I just gave up and said OK to get the tick in the box and then carried on exactly as I had been.
*Quality Manuals were very rarely custom written, they just picked the sections they thought relevant from their templates like choosing from a Chinese Takeaway menu then renumbered them to hide what they'd done.
Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.
I got caught out on that, once. The ISO9000 audit failed us for our backups. Not because our backups were bad, but because they _exceeded_ what we'd documented (we had an extra verification step in the process that we hadn't documented). Such a PITA.
Thankfully, I managed to avoid those fads.
However, a close friend got caught by Lean Six Sigma, complete with all the trimmings, at a manufacturer of audio equipment that shall not be named. He told me that the process became so ornate that it not only overpowered productivity, but actually affected production. People were so busy tracking their quality, that they had significantly less time to do their actual jobs.
However, he did say that there were loads of inexpensive plastic tchotchkes handed out to remind everyone of quality goals.
"Do Nothing"
It's Friday afternoon and time for one of these ----------------------------------------------->
So I didn't have to be told that!
Re: "Do Nothing"
And after that, just seven more
Re: "Do Nothing"
No, six more
Re: "Do Nothing"
Off by one error?
Re: "Do Nothing"
I see - breakfast has happened.
Re: "Do Nothing"
Just the one? Always a dangerous phrase, it doesn't take much for it to turn into a few more...
Re: "Do Nothing"
"One's too many, ten's not enough"
Re: "Do Nothing"
Eight pints?
It only took three pints to brace up Arthur Dent:
FORD PREFECT: If you've never been through a matter transference beam before, you've probably lost some salt and protein. The beer you had should've cushioned your system a bit. How are you feeling?
ARTHUR DENT: Like a military academy - bits of me keep on passing out. If I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it?
[...] Anyone have a packet of peanuts?
BOFH = Gaz Wilkinson
PFY = Jonny Keogh
Boss = Munch
I'd watch that!
The role of the boss is more like that of the drummer in Spinal Tap .
Didn't he die in that freak accident when 3 tonnes of porn fell on him at their only Runcorn gig?
If that's the quickest way out of Runcorn then fair play.
"... agility training for couch potatoes"
Sheer genius. Superb episode once more.
I assumed…
that "his PA" in the case of the soon to be former boss that PA stood for psychiatric attendant.
Seems a shame that the current US administration doesn't have a BOFH who could distract the Orange Idjit from his current cunning plan which must be about where the full might of the US military will be used to liberate the Heard and McDonald Islands from the curse of Penguin fundamentalist oppression. The way things are going the penguinistas might actually prevail.
BOFH: " The 17th Street Macdonalds are offerring free "all you can eat" big macs to any second term president with bottomless coca-cola slushies. "
Mission accomplished.
Re: I assumed…
an unexpected fall down a lift shaft would be more in order
Re: I assumed…
Just as long as Vance accompanies him
Re: I assumed…
What a sad little life you have, dragging your politics everywhere you go like a loaded and leaking diaper.
Re: I assumed…
s/Coca-Cola/Diet Coke, as most know from his NY state trial. The artificial sweeteners must be why he's still alive.
"often, in bad situations, doing something can make things worse."
Prefix with " Don't you think you already have done more than enough ? " you pretty much have "the TL;DR" of modern manglement.
When dealing the escape of hazardous materials, containment is the initial goal… not spreading the shit around.
Management instinctively believe if they have (mis)managed to shit in their own nest that the "best" thing they can do is to spread the brown stuff around as quickly and as far as possible.
By the time the metaphorical Hazmat team arrives the situation is usually irrecoverable. Metaphorical shit rapidly sets diamond hard.
The critical function of all the staff between manglement and the coal face has been to run interference to ensure the clowns don't bring the roof down on top of everyone. Of course now who are the staff being retrenched in favour of AI ?
Verschlimmbessern
A lovely German word meaning to try to make things better but to really end up making them worse.
Great language - has a single word for everything, although it might be 17 syllables long
Re: Verschlimmbessern
siebzehnsilbigeswortfüralles
Re: Verschlimmbessern
Bless you! Do you need a tissue?
Re: Verschlimmbessern
Just go for the classic: Doppelkupplungsgetriebe:
https://youtu.be/DrlzIuwpg3A?si=kwGxLWs_q76rOKPB
Re: Verschlimmbessern
And now we know why Germans never play Scrabble.
Re: "often, in bad situations, doing something can make things worse."
Well, yeah. Spreading it around lessens its intensity through dilution, and someone else might be found responsible for the spill. When all share the blame, each has little responsibility. Oh, and remember to never refer to yourself as an individual, always as a group to spread responsibility for to become an individual is to die.
5 pints to anyone who guesses where I went with that.
Friday
God I didn't realise I needed a good laugh-out-loud moment that much, after the week it's been. Thank you @BOFH, great episode.
Now need to remove coffee from keyboard.
Very grin worthy
at the end of another shite week (god I hate our customers.... and least the boss had the foresight to warn said customer "Dont ever ask him a question... he's way smarter than he pretends to be" as I'm struggling to breathe with this wretched tie on)
And the ending was rather surprising... and less violent than I expected too....
Management breakthrough = this ones going out of a closed window.............
Wu Wei
The 2,500 year old Taoist dictum "Wu Wei" is customarily translated as "Action through inaction". I wonder what the specific gravity of their rice beer was?