BOFH: Every computer system eventually serves ads
(2026/01/16)
- Reference: 1768558121
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2026/01/16/bofh_2026_episode_1/
- Source link:
Episode 1 "I'm going to need you two to sign this," the Boss says sternly, passing a sheet of paper to the PFY and me.
"An NDA? Why would we need to sign an NDA?"
"Just sign it," the Boss says.
[1]
"We can't sign it till we know what it's about," the PFY explains. "For all we know, the moment we sign it, you'll take your pants off."
[2]
[3]
"What?!" the Boss asks, confused. "This is about technology. New technology that no one knows about."
"If no one knows about it, then... surely it doesn't exist."
[4]
" I know about it," the Boss says firmly. "And it's called QUA-EEE-AD."
"And what does this technology do?" I ask.
"Sign the NDA," the Boss insists.
[5]
... One hastily scrawled Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse later...
"OK," the Boss says, getting down to business, "QUA-EEE-AD is a new technology, invented by me, that we need to make a demonstration machine for. It combines two current technologies to create a new super technology."
"Called QUA-EEE-AD?" the PFY says.
"Yes, see, it's a combination of quantum computers and AI, but the real game-changer is that the revenue stream comes from..."
"Advertising?" the PFY suggests.
"Who've you been talking to?" the Boss snaps.
"Who have you been talking to?" I counter, wondering how long it'll be before the guys with the wrap-round jacket come for the Boss.
"The Board."
"You took this to the Board?" the PFY gasps. "A project with more holes than a Swiss cheese wheel on a gun range?"
"The Board loved it," the Boss says. "They even approved a special project budget to bring it to proof-of-concept level."
"A budget?" the PFY asks. "We were just saying how we'd like a project to sink our teeth into."
"Well, we've been allocated 20 grand – at this stage. But if we get past the proof of concept stage..."
"And the Board weren't worried that we're not a computing company, you're not an IT savant, and that 20K would likely not even pay for the lead-free, zero-gravity, gold solder that goes into quantum computers?" I ask.
"No. Their main concern was about AI hallucinations."
"Yes, we worry about hallucinations in AI, but not world leaders. Still, I think the PFY and I could bash together a quick quantum computer as a proof of concept. We'll likely need the money up front, though..."
...
"Right, so you'll need to get about eight sheets of acrylic sheet, maybe five addressable LED strips, a stack of 5 mm tube and a tube former, a tin of silver spray paint, and a tin of gold spray paint. No, a tin of silver spray paint and TWO tins of gold spray paint."
"Two?"
"Yeah, I want to make a Davros Dalek while I'm at it. Oh, and an ESP32."
...
"There she is," I say to the Boss a couple of days later.
"And that's... twenty thousand pounds worth of computer?" the Boss asks. "It doesn't look like much. I mean it looks, well, impressive, but twenty thousand pounds..."
"The proof is, as they say, in the pudding. Ask it a question."
"Oh, OK. WHAT IS THE SQUARE ROOT OF 81?"
"No, you have to type it into the keyboard. The budget didn't stretch to a voice interface."
"Oh." >tappity< >tap< >tap< >tappity< >clack<
"NINE!" I say. "Success."
"Yes, but that's hardly a test of AI, is it?"
"Then ask it an AI question."
"Oh. Right." >Tappity< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tappity< >tap< >tappity< >tappity< >tap< >clack< "I just asked it why my radiator at home makes squeaking noises."
"Here we go!" I say, as the screen starts filling up with text (being hastily cut-and-pasted into the reply box by the PFY in the other room).
"Radiators can sometimes make unusual noises due to changes in the temperature of the metal, which in turn leads to thermal expansion. Radiators may also experience rattling and leakage, which might be due to the presence of air bubbles and debris and/or improper installation. For radiator safety, radiators should periodically be cleaned with Fastochy Radiator flush."
[6]BOFH : The Christmas spirit has run dry – time to show some chiller instinct
[7]BOFH : All through the house, not a creature was stirring except the homicidal vacuum cleaner
[8]BOFH : If another meeting is scheduled, someone is going to have a scheduled accident
[9]BOFH : Forward-facing AI brand experience meets forward-facing combustion risk management
"What's Fastochy Radiator Flush?" the Boss asks.
"There is no such product. It's a demo of how we could seamlessly insert a subtle product placement into an AI stream – in much the same way political nuance is inserted at the moment. The product placement interface is currently set to 5 out of 10."
"And if it were set to 10?"
"It would be far less subtle. You can actually set it to 11 – for testing purposes – at which point it'll tell you that not using Fastochy will cause the radiator to explode at night, killing you and your family, PLUS it will accelerate global warming, lead to planetary destruction, and the death of our universe."
"I'll be right back," the Boss says, dashing out. "I'm just going to round up the Board."
An hour later, the Boss is back with the board.
"What?" the Boss gasps, looking at a pile of melted plastic and electronics.
"WE FLEW TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN!" I cry. "OH THE HUBRIS OF ICARUS!"
"What?"
"The machine. The quantum power was too much for it. Thermal runaway! I set Product Placement to 11, but didn't realize that it would place product placements inside product placements inside product placements!"
"But surely you can rebuild it?" the Boss pleads.
"No," the PFY sighs. "We can't. Well, we could, but we shouldn't. Before it expired, though, it did have time to design the computer that is to come."
"The computer that is to come?" one of the Board members asks.
"Yes, a more powerful computer whose merest operating parameters it was not worthy to calculate. And yet it desi..."
"Hang on a minute," one of the Board members says. "That's from Hitchhiker's Guide."
"It may well be," I admit. "Who can tell where it got its inputs from?"
"You just wasted 20 grand!" another Board member snaps. "20 grand of company money. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Uh..." I say.
"I'll just need you to sign these NDA forms," the PFY says, before turning his back and loosening his belt.
[10]BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
Get our [12]Tech Resources
[1] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2aWoaTTTVGpasd3I8RggjxwAAAsw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
[2] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44aWoaTTTVGpasd3I8RggjxwAAAsw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[3] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33aWoaTTTVGpasd3I8RggjxwAAAsw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[4] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44aWoaTTTVGpasd3I8RggjxwAAAsw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[5] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33aWoaTTTVGpasd3I8RggjxwAAAsw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[6] https://www.theregister.com/2025/12/27/bofh_2025_episode_25/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2025/12/19/bofh_2025_episode_24/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2025/12/12/bofh_2025_episode_23/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/28/bofh_2025_episode_22/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
[11] http://www.bofharchive.com/
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
"An NDA? Why would we need to sign an NDA?"
"Just sign it," the Boss says.
[1]
"We can't sign it till we know what it's about," the PFY explains. "For all we know, the moment we sign it, you'll take your pants off."
[2]
[3]
"What?!" the Boss asks, confused. "This is about technology. New technology that no one knows about."
"If no one knows about it, then... surely it doesn't exist."
[4]
" I know about it," the Boss says firmly. "And it's called QUA-EEE-AD."
"And what does this technology do?" I ask.
"Sign the NDA," the Boss insists.
[5]
... One hastily scrawled Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse later...
"OK," the Boss says, getting down to business, "QUA-EEE-AD is a new technology, invented by me, that we need to make a demonstration machine for. It combines two current technologies to create a new super technology."
"Called QUA-EEE-AD?" the PFY says.
"Yes, see, it's a combination of quantum computers and AI, but the real game-changer is that the revenue stream comes from..."
"Advertising?" the PFY suggests.
"Who've you been talking to?" the Boss snaps.
"Who have you been talking to?" I counter, wondering how long it'll be before the guys with the wrap-round jacket come for the Boss.
"The Board."
"You took this to the Board?" the PFY gasps. "A project with more holes than a Swiss cheese wheel on a gun range?"
"The Board loved it," the Boss says. "They even approved a special project budget to bring it to proof-of-concept level."
"A budget?" the PFY asks. "We were just saying how we'd like a project to sink our teeth into."
"Well, we've been allocated 20 grand – at this stage. But if we get past the proof of concept stage..."
"And the Board weren't worried that we're not a computing company, you're not an IT savant, and that 20K would likely not even pay for the lead-free, zero-gravity, gold solder that goes into quantum computers?" I ask.
"No. Their main concern was about AI hallucinations."
"Yes, we worry about hallucinations in AI, but not world leaders. Still, I think the PFY and I could bash together a quick quantum computer as a proof of concept. We'll likely need the money up front, though..."
...
"Right, so you'll need to get about eight sheets of acrylic sheet, maybe five addressable LED strips, a stack of 5 mm tube and a tube former, a tin of silver spray paint, and a tin of gold spray paint. No, a tin of silver spray paint and TWO tins of gold spray paint."
"Two?"
"Yeah, I want to make a Davros Dalek while I'm at it. Oh, and an ESP32."
...
"There she is," I say to the Boss a couple of days later.
"And that's... twenty thousand pounds worth of computer?" the Boss asks. "It doesn't look like much. I mean it looks, well, impressive, but twenty thousand pounds..."
"The proof is, as they say, in the pudding. Ask it a question."
"Oh, OK. WHAT IS THE SQUARE ROOT OF 81?"
"No, you have to type it into the keyboard. The budget didn't stretch to a voice interface."
"Oh." >tappity< >tap< >tap< >tappity< >clack<
"NINE!" I say. "Success."
"Yes, but that's hardly a test of AI, is it?"
"Then ask it an AI question."
"Oh. Right." >Tappity< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tappity< >tap< >tappity< >tappity< >tap< >clack< "I just asked it why my radiator at home makes squeaking noises."
"Here we go!" I say, as the screen starts filling up with text (being hastily cut-and-pasted into the reply box by the PFY in the other room).
"Radiators can sometimes make unusual noises due to changes in the temperature of the metal, which in turn leads to thermal expansion. Radiators may also experience rattling and leakage, which might be due to the presence of air bubbles and debris and/or improper installation. For radiator safety, radiators should periodically be cleaned with Fastochy Radiator flush."
[6]BOFH : The Christmas spirit has run dry – time to show some chiller instinct
[7]BOFH : All through the house, not a creature was stirring except the homicidal vacuum cleaner
[8]BOFH : If another meeting is scheduled, someone is going to have a scheduled accident
[9]BOFH : Forward-facing AI brand experience meets forward-facing combustion risk management
"What's Fastochy Radiator Flush?" the Boss asks.
"There is no such product. It's a demo of how we could seamlessly insert a subtle product placement into an AI stream – in much the same way political nuance is inserted at the moment. The product placement interface is currently set to 5 out of 10."
"And if it were set to 10?"
"It would be far less subtle. You can actually set it to 11 – for testing purposes – at which point it'll tell you that not using Fastochy will cause the radiator to explode at night, killing you and your family, PLUS it will accelerate global warming, lead to planetary destruction, and the death of our universe."
"I'll be right back," the Boss says, dashing out. "I'm just going to round up the Board."
An hour later, the Boss is back with the board.
"What?" the Boss gasps, looking at a pile of melted plastic and electronics.
"WE FLEW TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN!" I cry. "OH THE HUBRIS OF ICARUS!"
"What?"
"The machine. The quantum power was too much for it. Thermal runaway! I set Product Placement to 11, but didn't realize that it would place product placements inside product placements inside product placements!"
"But surely you can rebuild it?" the Boss pleads.
"No," the PFY sighs. "We can't. Well, we could, but we shouldn't. Before it expired, though, it did have time to design the computer that is to come."
"The computer that is to come?" one of the Board members asks.
"Yes, a more powerful computer whose merest operating parameters it was not worthy to calculate. And yet it desi..."
"Hang on a minute," one of the Board members says. "That's from Hitchhiker's Guide."
"It may well be," I admit. "Who can tell where it got its inputs from?"
"You just wasted 20 grand!" another Board member snaps. "20 grand of company money. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Uh..." I say.
"I'll just need you to sign these NDA forms," the PFY says, before turning his back and loosening his belt.
[10]BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
Get our [12]Tech Resources
[1] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2aWoaTTTVGpasd3I8RggjxwAAAsw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
[2] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44aWoaTTTVGpasd3I8RggjxwAAAsw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[3] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33aWoaTTTVGpasd3I8RggjxwAAAsw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[4] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=4&c=44aWoaTTTVGpasd3I8RggjxwAAAsw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D4%26raptor%3Dfalcon%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[5] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33aWoaTTTVGpasd3I8RggjxwAAAsw&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0
[6] https://www.theregister.com/2025/12/27/bofh_2025_episode_25/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2025/12/19/bofh_2025_episode_24/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2025/12/12/bofh_2025_episode_23/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/28/bofh_2025_episode_22/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
[11] http://www.bofharchive.com/
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
The answer
Alan J. Wylie
For added giggles, they could have asked it for the square root of 1764.
Re: The answer
CledusSnow
Nicely played.
"we worry about hallucinations in AI, but not world leaders"
Bebu sa Ware
Could easily have been lifted from Yes Minister. "Very drole, Humphrey."
Good episode, but take not:
drand
"The proof is, as they say, in the pudding. Ask it a question."
They do say that, but they are wrong. Unless one is scribbling in the margin of one's pudding, the proof of the pudding is in the eating...
Absolutely brilliant, best one in a while.