BOFH: The Christmas spirit has run dry – time to show some chiller instinct
(2025/12/27)
- Reference: 1766827753
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2025/12/27/bofh_2025_episode_25/
- Source link:
Episode 25 'Twas a few days after Christmas, and all through the workplace, not a creature was stirring, not even a...
"What's that?!!!" the Boss whispers urgently, as the torch beam crosses something moving.
"Oh, nothing. Probably just a rat," the PFY says.
[1]
"A RAT!" the Boss gasps.
[2]
[3]
"Yeah, the building's full of them."
"WHAT?!"
[4]
"This is an ex-government office block. Full of voids in the floor and wall slabs for 'future services.' Rat passages now, though. But they only come out in the dark."
"Well, let's get the lights on," the Boss shudders.
"Running all the way..." I say, carefully making my way to the switchboard.
[5]
>Clack!<
"What a bloody shambles!" the Boss blathers, once the lights are on and he can survey the wreckage of our department.
"Mistakes were made..." I admit.
"How did it get this bad?" the Boss asks, attempting to lift a filing cabinet back into the vertical position, noting the semidigested lunch beneath it, and lowering it back into position.
"Apparently SOMEONE," I say, looking pointedly at the Boss, "mentioned in passing that we had a lot of alcohol here," I explain. "Longer-serving members of staff took that to suggest that we were resurrecting our last-day party."
"What last-day party?"
"Something that used to happen years ago, when the IT budgets were vast and vendors expressed their gratitude with small, expensive, bottle-shaped presents. We'd end up swimming in booze, so we'd have a little, uh... get together... to get rid of it all."
"Though we do have lots of alcohol, don't we?" the Boss asks.
"Yeah, a huge amount – for almost as long as I've been here. Just not the drinking kind."
"?"
"Back in the tape drive heyday, we cleaned tape heads with medical grade isopropyl that cost maybe ten quid a gallon. An enterprising beancounter noticed that 44 gallons of ordinary grade only cost a hundred quid, so he ordered two drums."
"And we still have around 87 gallons left," the PFY adds.
"Ah."
"Though, as I mentioned, not drinking alcohol," I continue. "Anyway, when a large number of employees – who have not had a Christmas bonus in several years – assemble outside your office under the impression that you're having a party... well, something has to be done – unless you want that large number of people with no Christmas bonus to turn into an angry mob."
"... with no Christmas bonus," the PFY adds.
"Yes, yes, I get your point, but where'd the booze come from?"
"Some people brought their own, though I think there was a fair amount of speculative 'preloading.' Most attendees were expecting alcohol to be supplied."
"Yes, yes, but what happened?"
"Alcohol was supplied," I reply.
"WHERE FROM?" the Boss asks.
"Well, there are still some grateful vendors, but the majority of the offerings were sourced... internally."
"Internally?"
"The boardroom chiller."
"The boardroom chiller!" the Boss echoes unhappily.
"It was them or us," I point out.
"Yes, but the boardroom," the Boss whimpers.
"Them or us," I repeat.
"So... we've... wrecked our office and stolen all the Board's booze?"
"And all their snacks," the PFY adds helpfully.
"AND their snacks?!"
"The only thing worse than an angry mob is a hangry mob."
"But they'll notice it's missing!!!" the Boss gasps.
"Nah, we'll just say their chiller failed over the break and we had to dump everything for health and safety reasons."
"They'll never believe that!" the Boss says.
"Of course they will. You just need some corroborating evidence. Invoice them for a skip bin – which we'll use here – and some heavy-duty carpet cleaning – which we'll use here – and maybe some room deodorant and dehumidification – which, again, we'll use here."
"And order a new chiller," the PFY suggests.
"Yes, good point," I agree.
"YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL THEIR CHILLER TOO?!!" the Boss bleats.
"Nah, we'll donate it to Security. After all, it is Christmas."
"They'll never believe it," the Boss pleads.
[6]BOFH : All through the house, not a creature was stirring except the homicidal vacuum cleaner
[7]BOFH : If another meeting is scheduled, someone is going to have a scheduled accident
[8]BOFH : Forward-facing AI brand experience meets forward-facing combustion risk management
[9]BOFH : You know something's up when the suits want to spend money
"Sure they will. If you have any problems, mention that the commercial cleaners found a pair of underpants behind a cupboard or something and it'll all be swept under the carpet (and heavy-duty cleaned) in no time. Arse Covering 101."
"And they'll believe it?"
"It's worth a crack."
The Boss has little faith in the plan and wants to pass the responsibility up the food chain, so he makes a quick call to the Director and explains the situation – not knowing that the Director was the one who suggested the boardroom chiller in the first place. Albeit after several early morning vendor-supplied drinks...
"He doesn't think it's believable. Booze wouldn't be undrinkable after a chiller failure. He also said that you emptied the whiskey and brandy cabinet too."
"Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about that," I admit, turning to the PFY. "Plan B is a go."
"Plan B? What's Plan B?"
"Never you mind. Help me get this filing cabinet standing back up."
"No, uh, I think... someone's been... under."
"Yes, I know. That's what the rats are for."
The Boss suppresses a gag reflex and helps me stand the filing cabinet back up.
"OK, now we need to get that tie out of the shredder..."
A quarter-hour later, we have several bin bags of detritus and the office is starting to get back to its normal level of untidiness. Our progress is halted by the sound of a fire alarm...
>Jangle<
"What's that?" the Boss gasps.
"I could be wrong, but I think that's the sound of our alcohol holdings dropping from 87 to 44 gallons..."
[10]BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
Get our [12]Tech Resources
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2025/12/12/bofh_2025_episode_24/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2025/12/12/bofh_2025_episode_23/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/28/bofh_2025_episode_22/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/14/bofh_2025_episode_21/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
[11] http://www.bofharchive.com/
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
"What's that?!!!" the Boss whispers urgently, as the torch beam crosses something moving.
"Oh, nothing. Probably just a rat," the PFY says.
[1]
"A RAT!" the Boss gasps.
[2]
[3]
"Yeah, the building's full of them."
"WHAT?!"
[4]
"This is an ex-government office block. Full of voids in the floor and wall slabs for 'future services.' Rat passages now, though. But they only come out in the dark."
"Well, let's get the lights on," the Boss shudders.
"Running all the way..." I say, carefully making my way to the switchboard.
[5]
>Clack!<
"What a bloody shambles!" the Boss blathers, once the lights are on and he can survey the wreckage of our department.
"Mistakes were made..." I admit.
"How did it get this bad?" the Boss asks, attempting to lift a filing cabinet back into the vertical position, noting the semidigested lunch beneath it, and lowering it back into position.
"Apparently SOMEONE," I say, looking pointedly at the Boss, "mentioned in passing that we had a lot of alcohol here," I explain. "Longer-serving members of staff took that to suggest that we were resurrecting our last-day party."
"What last-day party?"
"Something that used to happen years ago, when the IT budgets were vast and vendors expressed their gratitude with small, expensive, bottle-shaped presents. We'd end up swimming in booze, so we'd have a little, uh... get together... to get rid of it all."
"Though we do have lots of alcohol, don't we?" the Boss asks.
"Yeah, a huge amount – for almost as long as I've been here. Just not the drinking kind."
"?"
"Back in the tape drive heyday, we cleaned tape heads with medical grade isopropyl that cost maybe ten quid a gallon. An enterprising beancounter noticed that 44 gallons of ordinary grade only cost a hundred quid, so he ordered two drums."
"And we still have around 87 gallons left," the PFY adds.
"Ah."
"Though, as I mentioned, not drinking alcohol," I continue. "Anyway, when a large number of employees – who have not had a Christmas bonus in several years – assemble outside your office under the impression that you're having a party... well, something has to be done – unless you want that large number of people with no Christmas bonus to turn into an angry mob."
"... with no Christmas bonus," the PFY adds.
"Yes, yes, I get your point, but where'd the booze come from?"
"Some people brought their own, though I think there was a fair amount of speculative 'preloading.' Most attendees were expecting alcohol to be supplied."
"Yes, yes, but what happened?"
"Alcohol was supplied," I reply.
"WHERE FROM?" the Boss asks.
"Well, there are still some grateful vendors, but the majority of the offerings were sourced... internally."
"Internally?"
"The boardroom chiller."
"The boardroom chiller!" the Boss echoes unhappily.
"It was them or us," I point out.
"Yes, but the boardroom," the Boss whimpers.
"Them or us," I repeat.
"So... we've... wrecked our office and stolen all the Board's booze?"
"And all their snacks," the PFY adds helpfully.
"AND their snacks?!"
"The only thing worse than an angry mob is a hangry mob."
"But they'll notice it's missing!!!" the Boss gasps.
"Nah, we'll just say their chiller failed over the break and we had to dump everything for health and safety reasons."
"They'll never believe that!" the Boss says.
"Of course they will. You just need some corroborating evidence. Invoice them for a skip bin – which we'll use here – and some heavy-duty carpet cleaning – which we'll use here – and maybe some room deodorant and dehumidification – which, again, we'll use here."
"And order a new chiller," the PFY suggests.
"Yes, good point," I agree.
"YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL THEIR CHILLER TOO?!!" the Boss bleats.
"Nah, we'll donate it to Security. After all, it is Christmas."
"They'll never believe it," the Boss pleads.
[6]BOFH : All through the house, not a creature was stirring except the homicidal vacuum cleaner
[7]BOFH : If another meeting is scheduled, someone is going to have a scheduled accident
[8]BOFH : Forward-facing AI brand experience meets forward-facing combustion risk management
[9]BOFH : You know something's up when the suits want to spend money
"Sure they will. If you have any problems, mention that the commercial cleaners found a pair of underpants behind a cupboard or something and it'll all be swept under the carpet (and heavy-duty cleaned) in no time. Arse Covering 101."
"And they'll believe it?"
"It's worth a crack."
The Boss has little faith in the plan and wants to pass the responsibility up the food chain, so he makes a quick call to the Director and explains the situation – not knowing that the Director was the one who suggested the boardroom chiller in the first place. Albeit after several early morning vendor-supplied drinks...
"He doesn't think it's believable. Booze wouldn't be undrinkable after a chiller failure. He also said that you emptied the whiskey and brandy cabinet too."
"Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about that," I admit, turning to the PFY. "Plan B is a go."
"Plan B? What's Plan B?"
"Never you mind. Help me get this filing cabinet standing back up."
"No, uh, I think... someone's been... under."
"Yes, I know. That's what the rats are for."
The Boss suppresses a gag reflex and helps me stand the filing cabinet back up.
"OK, now we need to get that tie out of the shredder..."
A quarter-hour later, we have several bin bags of detritus and the office is starting to get back to its normal level of untidiness. Our progress is halted by the sound of a fire alarm...
>Jangle<
"What's that?" the Boss gasps.
"I could be wrong, but I think that's the sound of our alcohol holdings dropping from 87 to 44 gallons..."
[10]BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
Get our [12]Tech Resources
[1] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2aU-8UdVzn-LdNQvyUi9WJQAAAxU&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2025/12/12/bofh_2025_episode_24/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2025/12/12/bofh_2025_episode_23/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/28/bofh_2025_episode_22/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/14/bofh_2025_episode_21/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
[11] http://www.bofharchive.com/
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
b0llchit
Kwanzaabot is in full agreement and Robot Santa has you all on his naughty list.
Dr. G. Freeman
The local shop here in Culloden have their Easter eggs out- enjoying one just now (a fine creme egg)
UCAP
Last BOFH for the year - roll on next year
Urk...
herman
Who's tie was in the shredder and eaten by rats?
Mai I be the first to wish everyone a happy Easter