BOFH: All through the house, not a creature was stirring except the homicidal vacuum cleaner
(2025/12/19)
- Reference: 1766152809
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2025/12/19/bofh_2025_episode_24/
- Source link:
Episode 24 The Company is very impressed with the PFY's enhanced robotic vacuum cleaners. True, some longer-serving members of staff are permanently scarred – and not just mentally – by robotic devices, and even now there are still those who barricade themselves in the cupboard at the sound of an approaching motorized device. On the whole, though, the building likes them.
And it's all because of Christmas.
As Yuletide approaches, thoughts turn to online shopping – and the fervent wish that a valuable present doesn't end up with a stranger who happens to be passing a doorway or mailbox at an opportune time... So the Company is receiving a lot of personal deliveries; so many that the Inward Goods area was crammed with them.
[1]
Enter the PFY with his enhanced robotic vacuum cleaner. Hardware-wise, an update to battery capacity, motor torque and running gear, plus a LIDAR and two-way infrared module. Software-wise, a well-documented modification to permit barcode scanning, multi-level mapping, collision avoidance and infrared interfacing to a newly installed receiver on the lift. Parcels trundle their way to their respective owners as fast as the storeman can slap a destination barcode on them and load them into the PFY-crafted hopper on the unit's base station. And – hidden bonus – the corridors are slightly cleaner.
[2]
[3]
The units are so popular that our department's had a boost in satisfaction rating (almost bringing us into positive numbers) so the Boss has approved three more units, suggesting we add a prox module for door access, an eject lever for parcel offload, and a camera so that the robots can take a proof-of-delivery snapshot.
All good mods, but with a few teething issues. The PFY's higher torque motors could just about open doors – but needed ballast – so a much chunkier battery was required. Then there was that complaint from the colored pencil office about the device that let itself into a room without warning and took a photo – which they wanted erased immediately. Enough said.
[4]
The units reduce the package backlog within a couple of days.
...
"So," the Boss says, sauntering into Mission Control, "I think we could call those robotic vacuums a success?"
[5]
The PFY and I concur.
"Still," he continues, "it does look like we're possibly... uh... overstocked with them?"
There we go. The Boss has smelt a potential freebie and has his hand firmly in the till in record time.
"We do have the two original units that don't have the prox, camera, and eject lever."
"Are they still working?" the Boss asks greedily.
"Oh yeah. I was trying out some new firmware," the PFY says, dragging a unit and base station from under his desk and powering it on. "Give it a minute..."
Half a minute later, the unit exits the base station and stops.
"Try and stand on it," the PFY says.
The Boss attempts – several times – to step on the unit, only to find it avoiding his foot.
"I'm experimenting with FOOT AVOIDANCE MODE using velocity, LIDAR, and mapping. We had some issues with the newer units – which move faster – so I've just rolled out this newer firmware to them."
"So... these older units are effectively... of no use... to us," the Boss hints.
"Not really," the PFY concedes.
"I'm sure I could find a home for one."
...
RAM OK... ROM OK... BOOTING.. EXITING BASE STATION. MAPPING... LIVING ROOM IDENTIFIED... MAPPING... STAIRWELL IDENTIFIED... STAIRWELL IDENTIFIED... STAIRWELL IDENTIFIED...
...
"Just having a little problem with the vacuum," the Boss says, handing the unit over the next day.
"?" the PFY answers.
"It's not vacuuming, it's just banging into walls."
"Oh, it'll just be mapping," the PFY explains
"Yes, I suspected that. But it'd start mapping, get to the stairs by the landing and then just bang around in there for ages."
"You can cancel the mapping," the PFY suggests.
[6]BOFH : If another meeting is scheduled, someone is going to have a scheduled accident
[7]BOFH : Forward-facing AI brand experience meets forward-facing combustion risk management
[8]BOFH : You know something's up when the suits want to spend money
[9]BOFH : Saving the planet, one falsified metric at a time
"I did that, but then it automatically restarted – at 12am. Then 2am, then 4am – each time getting stuck on the landing and banging around the walls till I got up and stopped it."
"Hmmm. It has both edge detection and LIDAR, so it's probably thinking there's a place to clean while simultaneously being unable to go to that place. I'll flash it with a better detection algorithm."
"Oh, right."
...
RAM OK... ROM OK... BOOTING.. EXITING BASE STATION. MAPPING... LIVING ROOM IDENTIFIED MAPPING... KITCHEN IDENTIFIED... MAPPING... BEDROOM IDENTIFIED... MAPPING MASTER BEDROOM IDENTIFIED... MAPPING EN SUITE IDENTIFIED... MAPPING LAUNDRY IDENTIFIED... CAT LITTER TRAY IDENTIFIED... entering HIGH TORQUE MODE... entering HIGH SPEED MODE... going to... CAT LITTER TRAY. UPENDED CAT LITTER TRAY IDENTIFIED... going to... MASTER BEDROOM entering ... SMEAR MODE.
...
"Another little problem with the... uhm... vacuum."
"Oh yes?"
"It seems our kitty litter tray got knocked over and some of the... uhhmm... got on the cleaner, and it dragged it around the master bedroom."
"Hmmm. I guess I could remotely flash the firmware to avoid the kitty litter tray," the PFY says, and the Boss departs.
...
The next day the Boss is back again, this time because the robot has been terrorizing the cat when it attempted to get to the litter tray during the night – resulting in much the same problem as the previous night – only with slightly less smearing.
"I'm bringing it back!" he snaps. "It's bloody useless. When it's not getting stuck it's bathing the flat in stink or endlessly cleaning the top of the stairs."
"One last patch," the PFY says.
...
RAM OK... ROM OK... BOOTING.. EXITING BASE STATION. MAPPING... LIVING ROOM IDENTIFIED... MAPPING... STAIRWELL IDENTIFIED... entering ... RANDOM WALL BASHING MODE.. .. .. .. OWNER IDENTIFIED... entering ... FOOT PREDICTION + HIGH TORQUE + HIGH SPEED MODE.. .. .. .. ...recording started...
...
"Ah, the Boss won't be in today," the PFY says, looking up from his desk. "Apparently he fell down the stairs at home. In... uh... unrelated news... I've got a hilarious night vision video to show you..."
[10]BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/28/bofh_2025_episode_23/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/28/bofh_2025_episode_22/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/14/bofh_2025_episode_21/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2025/10/24/bofh_2025_episode_20/
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And it's all because of Christmas.
As Yuletide approaches, thoughts turn to online shopping – and the fervent wish that a valuable present doesn't end up with a stranger who happens to be passing a doorway or mailbox at an opportune time... So the Company is receiving a lot of personal deliveries; so many that the Inward Goods area was crammed with them.
[1]
Enter the PFY with his enhanced robotic vacuum cleaner. Hardware-wise, an update to battery capacity, motor torque and running gear, plus a LIDAR and two-way infrared module. Software-wise, a well-documented modification to permit barcode scanning, multi-level mapping, collision avoidance and infrared interfacing to a newly installed receiver on the lift. Parcels trundle their way to their respective owners as fast as the storeman can slap a destination barcode on them and load them into the PFY-crafted hopper on the unit's base station. And – hidden bonus – the corridors are slightly cleaner.
[2]
[3]
The units are so popular that our department's had a boost in satisfaction rating (almost bringing us into positive numbers) so the Boss has approved three more units, suggesting we add a prox module for door access, an eject lever for parcel offload, and a camera so that the robots can take a proof-of-delivery snapshot.
All good mods, but with a few teething issues. The PFY's higher torque motors could just about open doors – but needed ballast – so a much chunkier battery was required. Then there was that complaint from the colored pencil office about the device that let itself into a room without warning and took a photo – which they wanted erased immediately. Enough said.
[4]
The units reduce the package backlog within a couple of days.
...
"So," the Boss says, sauntering into Mission Control, "I think we could call those robotic vacuums a success?"
[5]
The PFY and I concur.
"Still," he continues, "it does look like we're possibly... uh... overstocked with them?"
There we go. The Boss has smelt a potential freebie and has his hand firmly in the till in record time.
"We do have the two original units that don't have the prox, camera, and eject lever."
"Are they still working?" the Boss asks greedily.
"Oh yeah. I was trying out some new firmware," the PFY says, dragging a unit and base station from under his desk and powering it on. "Give it a minute..."
Half a minute later, the unit exits the base station and stops.
"Try and stand on it," the PFY says.
The Boss attempts – several times – to step on the unit, only to find it avoiding his foot.
"I'm experimenting with FOOT AVOIDANCE MODE using velocity, LIDAR, and mapping. We had some issues with the newer units – which move faster – so I've just rolled out this newer firmware to them."
"So... these older units are effectively... of no use... to us," the Boss hints.
"Not really," the PFY concedes.
"I'm sure I could find a home for one."
...
RAM OK... ROM OK... BOOTING.. EXITING BASE STATION. MAPPING... LIVING ROOM IDENTIFIED... MAPPING... STAIRWELL IDENTIFIED... STAIRWELL IDENTIFIED... STAIRWELL IDENTIFIED...
...
"Just having a little problem with the vacuum," the Boss says, handing the unit over the next day.
"?" the PFY answers.
"It's not vacuuming, it's just banging into walls."
"Oh, it'll just be mapping," the PFY explains
"Yes, I suspected that. But it'd start mapping, get to the stairs by the landing and then just bang around in there for ages."
"You can cancel the mapping," the PFY suggests.
[6]BOFH : If another meeting is scheduled, someone is going to have a scheduled accident
[7]BOFH : Forward-facing AI brand experience meets forward-facing combustion risk management
[8]BOFH : You know something's up when the suits want to spend money
[9]BOFH : Saving the planet, one falsified metric at a time
"I did that, but then it automatically restarted – at 12am. Then 2am, then 4am – each time getting stuck on the landing and banging around the walls till I got up and stopped it."
"Hmmm. It has both edge detection and LIDAR, so it's probably thinking there's a place to clean while simultaneously being unable to go to that place. I'll flash it with a better detection algorithm."
"Oh, right."
...
RAM OK... ROM OK... BOOTING.. EXITING BASE STATION. MAPPING... LIVING ROOM IDENTIFIED MAPPING... KITCHEN IDENTIFIED... MAPPING... BEDROOM IDENTIFIED... MAPPING MASTER BEDROOM IDENTIFIED... MAPPING EN SUITE IDENTIFIED... MAPPING LAUNDRY IDENTIFIED... CAT LITTER TRAY IDENTIFIED... entering HIGH TORQUE MODE... entering HIGH SPEED MODE... going to... CAT LITTER TRAY. UPENDED CAT LITTER TRAY IDENTIFIED... going to... MASTER BEDROOM entering ... SMEAR MODE.
...
"Another little problem with the... uhm... vacuum."
"Oh yes?"
"It seems our kitty litter tray got knocked over and some of the... uhhmm... got on the cleaner, and it dragged it around the master bedroom."
"Hmmm. I guess I could remotely flash the firmware to avoid the kitty litter tray," the PFY says, and the Boss departs.
...
The next day the Boss is back again, this time because the robot has been terrorizing the cat when it attempted to get to the litter tray during the night – resulting in much the same problem as the previous night – only with slightly less smearing.
"I'm bringing it back!" he snaps. "It's bloody useless. When it's not getting stuck it's bathing the flat in stink or endlessly cleaning the top of the stairs."
"One last patch," the PFY says.
...
RAM OK... ROM OK... BOOTING.. EXITING BASE STATION. MAPPING... LIVING ROOM IDENTIFIED... MAPPING... STAIRWELL IDENTIFIED... entering ... RANDOM WALL BASHING MODE.. .. .. .. OWNER IDENTIFIED... entering ... FOOT PREDICTION + HIGH TORQUE + HIGH SPEED MODE.. .. .. .. ...recording started...
...
"Ah, the Boss won't be in today," the PFY says, looking up from his desk. "Apparently he fell down the stairs at home. In... uh... unrelated news... I've got a hilarious night vision video to show you..."
[10]BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/28/bofh_2025_episode_23/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/28/bofh_2025_episode_22/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/14/bofh_2025_episode_21/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2025/10/24/bofh_2025_episode_20/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
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Re: Robots, the gifts that keep giving
phuzz
And now everyone else in the office has come to see the robots as harmless, friendly even...
Re: Robots, the gifts that keep giving
Ol'Peculier
Mostly Harmless...
Re: Robots, the gifts that keep giving
TechnoTechno
Users dont need **both** their feet after all
Christmas presents
b0llchit
Presents that make life so much better. Robots treating manglement with proper respect and serving entertainment, all in one sweep of the floor.
Marc 13
"...bathing the flat in stink or endlessly cleaning the top of the stairs."
A flat with stairs? How does the boss afford that? Time for some wealth redistribution!
doublelayer
I've known some that, for reasons known to the architects, were entirely on one floor but had the front door on a different floor. The resident would open their front door and have to climb stairs to enter, with something else below the stairs. I've never lived in one of those but known a couple people who did. Perhaps it's one of those. It seems inefficient, to say nothing of the problems for anyone with a wheelchair or other thing making stairs unavailable.
MiguelC
My flat is like that owing to the building resulting of the union of two previously existing adjoining buildings, so I have a small 3-step stair leading from one part to the other. The only plus is that it conveniently separates the living area from the bedrooms.
Korev
Sounds like the cat wasn't feline great about it
"he fell down the stairs"
Bebu sa Ware
A slight variation on the open window ? Got to keep it fresh for Xmas. ;)
Sounds like Little Jim's line from the Goons — " He's fallen in the water. "
Robots, the gifts that keep giving
especially when modded by the BOFH and/or PFY.
The mention of the permanent scarring was a nice touch.
Great episode once more!