BOFH: Forward-facing AI brand experience meets forward-facing combustion risk management
- Reference: 1764330134
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2025/11/28/bofh_2025_episode_22/
- Source link:
Which no one has RSVP'd to.
In an effort to boost the numbers, they then added a free out-catered breakfast, which resulted in so many responses they had to book the big conference room.
[1]
Nothing galvanizes a freeloader like the opportunity for free food!
[2]
[3]
The PFY and I have been asked to attend to make sure there are no IT issues – i.e. that the screen and amp are on and that there's a dongle to convert USB-C into HDMI. High-tech stuff.
Suffice it to say we've already had two breakfasts and are contemplating a third when the presenter shows up.
[4]
"This is Darryl," the Boss says, introducing a weedy bloke in an ill-fitting and shiny suit.
The PFY takes a moment to admire the aforementioned suit, which Darryl proudly says is non-iron. I suspect that given the synthetic content of the weave, the words non-iron are more of a warning than a product feature.
"Darryl's here to talk about our digital rebranding," the Boss says.
[5]
I'm not sure that three breakfasts will adequately compensate us for this...
"Digital rebranding?" I echo. "Don't tell me, ones and zeros are out, and twos and threes are in?"
"I... don't follow?" Darryl asks.
"Darryl's a visionary," the Boss says.
"And we all know what happens to people who see visions," I say.
"A free ride on the Bergonic chair?" the PFY mumbles, plugging in the receiver unit of the lapel mic that Darryl brought with him. A lapel mic that looks to be Sputnik-era, judging by the size of the battery pack Darryl's trying to hide underneath his polyester business cocoon.
"Darryl's a spinfluencer," the Boss continues.
"A... what-now?" I ask, feeling around in my back pocket to see if I've got my Swiss Army gutting knife.
"A spinfluencer," Darryl says proudly. "I'm both a spin doctor and an infl-"
"Yeah, yeah, I can do the math," I interrupt dryly.
"You don't seem impressed?" the Boss murmurs, with what seems like a tinge of self-satisfaction.
"Perish the thought!" I cry. "I'm sure Darryl is every bit as invaluable as the 1-port network switch, a marzipan heatsink, or write-only memory!"
"Still, it must be good to meet a fellow professional," the Boss smiles, both twisting the knife and putting the slipper in.
"Oh yeah, I love meeting people whose sole job prerequisite is having an opinion."
"Well, I think my role is a bit more technical than-"
"Really, Darryl?" I interrupt. "What will you be speaking about today?"
"I'm going to discuss the use of AI to streamline business processes and brand direction," he explains. "This will help guide your Company to leverage a truly forward-facing AI brand experience."
Darryl bangs on mindlessly, using words like "empowering," "driving," and "revolutionizing." His voluminous wordage is a cream-filled, chocolate-glazed, sugar-coated cornucopia of optimism – but I, unfortunately, have Diabetes Pessimistus.
His patter, however, reveals two things: (a) his passion really is AI as THE business tool of the future, and (b) he knows almost nothing about AI – outside of the PowerPoint slides he's no doubt plagiarized from the internet.
[6]BOFH : You know something's up when the suits want to spend money
[7]BOFH : Saving the planet, one falsified metric at a time
[8]BOFH : Recover a database from five years ago? It's as easy as flicking a switch
[9]BOFH : HR discovers the limits of vertical mobility
In situations like this, one of two scenarios will generally play out: (a) he'll make a massive impression on the staff with a combination of PowerPoint animation and enthusiasm, or (b) he'll make a massive impression on the surface of the car park two floors below our office window.
...
"So what do you think?" the Boss asks, when Darryl looks to be halfway through his presentation, and the crowd seems to be a 50/50 mix of well-fed complacency and over-caffeinated annoyance.
"Some might say that getting staff to attend a presentation on how AI will likely make them redundant is a little insensitive, but on the plus side you did give them a free breakfast."
"So you don't think the presentation will go well?"
"It's too soon to tell. It'll either be a runaway success or a lynching."
"And what does Stephen think?"
"Oh, he's gone to get the tow rope from his car. He used to be a boy scout."
"I... uh..." the Boss gasps.
...
In the end, though, it was neither a runaway success nor a lynching – it was a simple potential spontaneous human combustion. Apparently, Darryl had ignored the battery charging warnings on his lapel mic, even though they were writ large in both Russian and hieroglyphs.
The PFY – as a former boy scout – was prepared, and emptied two large CO 2 extinguishers in Darryl's direction at the first hint of fire. Some might say before a hint of fire. Others might even suggest there was no fire, but we'd chalk that up to the fog of war.
As it was a potential fire situation, I was obliged to manually trigger the fire alarm to evacuate the building before the PFY and I made sure the room was safe.
And had another breakfast.
[10]BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/14/bofh_2025_episode_21/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2025/10/24/bofh_2025_episode_20/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2025/10/10/bofh_2025_episode_19/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2025/09/19/bofh_2025_episode_18/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
[11] http://www.bofharchive.com/
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Re: Be prepared!
> > Feeling around in my back pocket to see if I've got my Swiss Army gutting knife.
> Good thing. You never know when you're going to need to gut a Swiss Army.
It was for syntactic ambiguity reasons that the hyphen was invented.
Sounds like the extremely highly paid
Consultants a certain stock exchange I once worked at hire to influence their leaders into more mindless decisions! Total oxygensucking vampires devoid of any redeeming value whatsoever!
"... as invaluable as the 1-port network switch, a marzipan heatsink, or write-only memory!"
Brilliant, the marzipan heatsink being a nicely seasonal touch, I feel. Neat little bit of foreboding with the mention of the words non-iron being more of a warning than a product feature
Re: "... as invaluable as the 1-port network switch, a marzipan heatsink, or write-only memory!"
You mean those monitors with a 2 part hub, one uplink cable and then one spare - so why did I connect the cable to the monitor again….
Re: "... as invaluable as the 1-port network switch, a marzipan heatsink, or write-only memory!"
To get a high power port.
Good to see the BOFH & PFY's feelings on AI are the same as mine!
I love a good free breakfast, as well, but I generally stop at two.
Well, by two o'clock, it's no longer breakfast, it's lunch or tea, anyway. But you could probably have had five breakfasts by then if you really put your head down and get to it.
BOFH feeling festive before Christmas or what?
Since Darryl got off it quite lightly – just a bit of CO2 suffocation and a ruined cheap suit – I'd have expected *both* a lynching *and* an impression in the pavement.
I wonder if the lack of comments are due to my early arrival or if so few are seeing the BOFH posts these days?
It was only posted to the site just over 30 minutes before you posted your comment.
I only get time to read the register on my lunch break so didn’t see it until after 12
Count on it
"Digital rebranding?" I echo. "Don't tell me, ones and zeros are out, and twos and threes are in?"
I thought the current one was sixes and sevens?
Re: Count on it
Careful, there might be some charge left in those fire extinguishers.
Re: Count on it
There is only an Octal charge left to let it become a Decimal extinguisher.
Dear Santa
Please, can you bring a Bergonic chair ? I have a few acquaintances I would like to fry try with it.
The very high voltage version might be best. :)
Re: Dear Santa
For those who, like me, missed the reference : here's [1] a pretty horrifying picture of a Bergonic chair (early electroconvulsive "therapy" device).
[1] https://daily.jstor.org/why-electroshock-therapy-isnt-bad-for-you/
"Knows almost nothing about AI outside of plagiarised PowerPoint slides"
Ah, so Darryl composed his patter using AI then.
"I, unfortunately, have Diabetes Pessimistus."
And Daryl, Diabetes Insipidus ?
Pissing out copious doctored spin effluent.
Re: "I, unfortunately, have Diabetes Pessimistus."
Look, he's going hyperbolic! Someone get the cattle prod!
"he'll make a massive impression on the surface of the car park two floors below our office window."
Are two floors really enough for a massive impression? Some experimentation is required.
Well, the splatter might be impressive.
By the way, what is the difference between falling out of the ffirst floor window and the tenth floor window?
It is "doink - waaaaah!" versus "waaaah - doink"
[1]
[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Garry_Hoy
It may be two floors below the office window, but somehow, Darryl managed to slip and fall from the cab of the crane doing building works on the office building next door.
And into the awaiting maw of the woodchipper?
Speaking of woodchippers, when you see someone you dont like fall into one, is it the done thing just to stand there and laugh or do you make the token effort to try pulling them out before letting the woodchipper have its way with them?
Asking for a friend... well enemy really
Be prepared!
[F]eeling around in my back pocket to see if I've got my Swiss Army gutting knife. Good thing. You never know when you're going to need to gut a Swiss Army.