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  ARM Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life (Terry Pratchett, Jingo)

BOFH: If you can't beat the AI, let it live inside you

(2025/07/25)


Episode 14 The Company has apparently formulated a master plan to create an "AI silo team" to leverage something or other to ensure excellence in some other thing that I lapsed into a coma over before they could explain.

Someone's obviously been thinking about this for some time, as the project has a terms-of-reference document that's drier than Greta Thunberg's joke book.

I lurch out of my coma somewhere around the second hour of the first meeting. Apparently, I've been asked a question.

[1]

"Well, it depends on what you mean," I say, covering my power save. "You've used a fairly broad brush for that question."

[2]

[3]

"It's not that broad. Why don't we run our own AI system?" my inquisitor asks.

Answering a question with a question almost always helps with recovering from sleep mode.

[4]

"You want a simple answer?" I ask, buying even more time.

"OK."

"The simple answer is money. It costs a lot of money to create, tweak, and tune our own AI. Then there's the time involved. And for what?"

[5]

"To make better use of AI."

"As we're not actually using AI at the moment. Actually using AI would qualify as making better use of it," I say.

"I use AI!" a beancounter in our silo says.

"As a glorified grammar checker," I reply. "But you're not using it in a way that improves the way you do your job. You're still doing the same old thing, just with an AI prosthesis."

"But that's what the AI silo project will help uncover!"

"No it won't."

"It will! If we work together, we could transform the Company!"

"No we can't."

"I think you're being rather negative."

"No I'm not."

OK, I admit it, I am being negative. But with good reason.

"Tell me," I continue. "Where do you hear the word 'silo' used most often. Anyone? Bueller?"

"I..."

"Yes! You hear the word silo just before a restructure. We'll be told that the Company shouldn't be doing things in silos, but instead in cross-functional teams. And what happens to all the people in the silo?"

"I..."

"Yep, down the S-bend faster than the chicken vindaloo you left in the sun for three days before eating. And let's not forget that the Company has created this silo – and even called it a silo. It's the business equivalent of a 'kick me' sign taped to your back. It means that the people in this room are likely to be the first thing replaced by the AI they're supposed to leverage."

"No. I've just been appointed as the head of wellness!"

"And you'll be gone quicker than you can say constructive dismissal. Look around you. Everyone in this room is either a pain in the arse to management or corporate deadwood, and if you listen really carefully, you can hear the chainsaw blade being sharpened in the distance."

"I can't hear anything?" someone bleats.

"Because you're deadwood," the PFY says, some would say unkindly.

"You don't seem to be worried by that," another person comments.

"No, but then the PFY and I have years of carefully curated camera footage from all over the building, all hours of the day, covering everything from unwanted personal attention through falsification of timesheets to major larceny. We've got more get-out-of-jail-free cards than a South American dictator's Monopoly set."

"So, what, you think they're going to make us all redundant?"

"I think they're expecting AI to make you redundant. Either (a) we'll come up with some plan which will mean that AI identifies you as redundant, OR (b) the project will come up with nothing and they'll disband the silo as a big mistake. By then, your department will have restructured several times. If it makes you feel better, the restructure will probably be done by AI."

"Then what are we supposed to do?"

"Well, you could..." I say, petering out annoyingly.

"What?!"

"I'm not sure I should..." I continue, feigning indecision.

"WHAT?"

[6]BOFH : The auditor is asking too many questions. We have just the laptop for that

[7]BOFH : Peeling back the layers of the magic banana industrial complex

[8]BOFH : Rerouting responsibility via firewall configs

[9]BOFH : The Boss meets the unbearable weight of innovation

"I'm thinking the best way to protect your jobs would be to... become part of the AI system itself. Something that it relies on. Something that it needs to function."

"How?"

"I'm thinking embedded devices."

"Like the computer in my fridge?"

"No, I mean like the stuff that insane academics and crazy billionaires advocate putting in our bodies. Tiny devices the AI could make use of."

"How?" one of the group asks suspiciously.

"Think about it. You're moving through the office – AI could use your experience for determining comfort and lighting levels. It could schedule office operations like cleaning and maintenance for times when it knows you're out. You'd never need to carry an access card, you wouldn't need your wallet at the cafe, we could turn on secure printing, and so on. It would make the workplace more efficient and you'd be the people who'd implement this for the rest of the building. It could take years to fully roll out. Years of paid employment."

"How... small would it be?"

"Oh, you'd hardly notice it."

...

"So, you're proposing we fit everyone in the company with electronic devices?" the HR director asks.

"Yep, and the AI silo team have volunteered to trial it."

"And we have the technology?"

"I've already ordered the Raspberry Pi Model 1A units and the 9AH 12v [10]batteries ."

[11]BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register

[12]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99

Get our [13]Tech Resources



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[5] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=3&c=33aIZNLlKwEP6FaQtMSQSFpgAAAIs&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D3%26raptor%3Deagle%26pos%3Dmid%26test%3D0

[6] https://www.theregister.com/2025/07/11/bofh_2025_episode_13/

[7] https://www.theregister.com/2025/06/27/bofh_2025_episode_12/

[8] https://www.theregister.com/2025/06/13/bofh_2025_episode_11/

[9] https://www.theregister.com/2025/05/23/bofh_2025_episode_10/

[10] https://www.upsbatterycenter.com/12v-9ah-sealed-lead-acid-battery-with-f2-terminals

[11] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/

[12] http://www.bofharchive.com/

[13] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/



Geography updates

KarMann

"We've got more get-out-of-jail-free cards than a South North American dictator's Monopoly set." FTFY

Re: Geography updates

Korev

That Trumps the original joke

Re: Geography updates

Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward

"We've got more get-out-of-jail-free cards than a South North American ANC fatcat cadre Monopoly set."

More FTFY.

Re: Geography updates

stiine

Fucking hell, can you name one?

Further fitting FYI

KarMann

"I've already ordered the Raspberry Pi Model 1A units and the 9AH 12v [1]batteries ." 'Length: 151mm (5.94") / Width: 65mm (2.56") / Height: 94mm (3.70")', for those mildly interested but not enough so to click through the link. Sounds like a good fit. Although lithium-ion chemistry would provide for some interesting possibilities… ---->

[1] https://www.upsbatterycenter.com/12v-9ah-sealed-lead-acid-battery-with-f2-terminals

Re: Further fitting FYI

b0llchit

Although lithium-ion chemistry would provide for some interesting possibilities…

The "AI" will be suggesting that soon enough. And also provide the recipe for the kill burn switch.

Re: Further fitting FYI

Paul Crawford

With 135A max current you need to mind the wires if shorted...

Re: Further fitting FYI

Xalran

I'm sure the BOFH or the PFY will find a way to use thewhole thing as an embedded cattleprod.

Re: Further fitting FYI

Tim99

I didn't need to click, I recycled an old one at my local battery shop and bought a new one for a home UPS last week. Whilst 2.7kg isn't that heavy - it felt that way as I had to park a couple of hundred metres away and carried it in one hand...

Re: Further fitting FYI

Joe W

This won't hurt a bit....

(literally true)

Re: Further fitting FYI

WageSlave5678

Well ... it won't hurt *me* at all ...

Re: Further fitting FYI

BenDwire

Oddly enough I'm currently using one of those as a door-stop in my home office, as the huge cooling fan I have makes the door wobble in the breeze and knock into my filing cabinet.

When the summer temperatures cool down I'll take it to the recycling centre, and by next year I'm sure one of UPS's will have donated another door stop.

Re: Further fitting FYI

Dr Dan Holdsworth

Do I see a sacro-iliac neural induction device before me?

Thank you, Mr Bethke, for not being content with inventing the word "Cyberpunk" but also for inventing the most unlikely VR interface ever conceived, the ProctoProd!

Re: ProctoProd

steelpillow

Shades of the Sinclair cattle prod.

Is that Indiegogo play for a safely removable and washable AI rectal sensory prod put up by Simon and the PFY or by Uncle Clive's ghost?

Of course you need ....

KittenHuffer

.... two convenient 'points' to attach the charging clamps to!

Will you know it's fully charged when they start crying? Or when they stop?

Re: Of course you need ....

stiine

Yes.

TeeCee

Hmm.

This is all just a convoluted excuse to buy a new cattle prod on expenses billed as a "fast charger", isn't it?

Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward

We're also experimenting with AI here.

It requires a lot of resources. Memory and CPU being the major ones.

In my opinion, we'll have to drop it, or else it'll turn into a bottomless well...

Dr Dan Holdsworth

Watch a typical management meeting from a safe distance, then compare and contrast this to film of David Attenborough in front of a troop of monkeys. Narrator aside, you will find very little difference in behaviour between the two (and even less physical differences).

Humans mostly trot about the world running on instinct, mostly attuned to social status and how to obtain more of it. Actually using Mr Brain to think with is quite low down on the priorities; intelligence takes a lot of power to run at full steam. This is why the world's best thinkers all had secure jobs before embarking upon the intellectual stuff: secure energy input before burning a load of it on blue-sky projects.

Machine AI will end up the same. It'll burn lots of power initially whilst programming something akin to an FPGA of huge size and complexity, then will subsequently use the pre-learned instinct before switching on the AI as more or less a last resort.

Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward

Charging the 12v battery can be done either wirelessly or with a special prong up the jacksie... Matrix style...

FeRDNYC

"What's a jack see?"

"I don't know, usually a car's undercarriage?"

KittenHuffer

Better the jacksie, than the Jap's eye!

... drier than Greta Thunberg's ...

Anonymous Coward

I am not particularly prudish but I was relieved that phrase ended with "joke book."

Re: ... drier than Greta Thunberg's ...

WolfFan

I'm pretty sure that she had that item surgically removed quite some time ago.

Right up to "feigning indecision."

Anonymous Coward

The whole script must have already been performed verbatim hundreds of times in corporate America and elsewhere.

Post "feigning indecision" is the truth no one has the balls to propound unless they are already halfway out the exit and therefore automatically discredited; or have a deck of Simon's magic cards.

Stylish and powerful!

FeRDNYC

Plus, if you get TWO batteries you can wear them as platform shoes. Far-out and totally mod, Daddy-o!

Blackjack

Now considering a malpractice lawsuit is serious business my best guess is that the idiots will be sedated, get some surgical spirit rubbed on their foreheads, then get bandaged and told the operation is done.

Then then get really cheap smartwatches the BOFH can flash with a custom firmware and make the idiots use that, with the excuse they are for "health monitoring".

timber!

chivo243

you can hear the chainsaw blade being sharpened in the distance. Classic! I shouldn't laugh though, I was probably let go from my last position due to AI.

Love the line as I actually sharpen chainsaw blades ;-}. Do you use a round file or a flat file for yours??

Re: timber!

Denarius

Both actually. One sharpens the chain chisel cutters. Chainsaws dont have saw teeth, (except the very early ones many decades ago) but chisels. These are the usually 30 degree angled flat bits with a leading semicircular front. The round file, special ones, not metal working ones, should create a sharp edge under the chrome plating. A flat file is used to lower the depth gauge in front of cutting tooth and to reduce risk of kickback, round depth gauge off. A square top to depth gauge is dangerous. Special chains such as slabbing chains have 10 degree of none angle.

The actual bar should be straight, with exactly equal levels on side of channel for chain. Stihl have an excellent combined tool which has both. Buy one to fit chain size, ie 325.3/8 or 404 for the macho guys and forestry machines.

Thanks Simon for another round of laughs. Manglement with a chainsaw has so many many possibilities for pleasant deserved disaster with these dangerous but lovely tools IMHO

Re: timber!

chivo243

I found these guys amusing and insightful -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3iOwUjUMdE&list=RDCMUCu4pT2XOGyTfnFcIUB13YZQ&index=6

Re: timber!

PRR

> [i]"Both actually. ....Chainsaws dont have saw teeth, (except ...."[/i]

Right. Fer example patent US2326854A 'Method and means for sawing wood' John E Hassler. Sure looks like a flat (triangular) saw job. I had an electric Wall that was similar non-Oregon(Cox) teeth, it cut well, but mostly because a serious motor to fight the wood drag.

Cox observed a "timber-beetle larva, the size of a mans forefinger, easily chewing its way through sound timber, going both across and with the wood grain at will." It had two semicircular jaws, paring the wood from both sides. This led to round-filing in line with the edge. But just to be different Oregon and Craftsman and others have sold "self-sharpening chain" with a concave stone and flat-top teeth. While it could cut better than an unmaintained Cox chain, was a poor cutter at best. (Or the one I had was poorly implemented....)

Model 1A

Camilla Smythe

Could be a bit nasty if the IDC cable falls off of the header.

FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms,
and grows in every computer.
-- A. J. Perlis