BOFH: The auditor is asking too many questions. We have just the laptop for that
(2025/07/11)
- Reference: 1752222549
- News link: https://www.theregister.co.uk/2025/07/11/bofh_2025_episode_13/
- Source link:
Episode 13 We're having more problems with auditors, and the Boss thinks it's our fault.
"But they keep coming to talk to you," he explains.
"They keep coming to talk to us because we're the ones at the coal face of the Company's IT purchasing policies," I reply. "We don't make the policies, we're just supposed to apply them in a way that doesn't result in an auditor's report with more notes than an experimental jazz session."
[1]
"What are you going to tell them?" he asks
[2]
[3]
"It depends on what they want to know."
"What do you think they want to know?"
[4]
"They'll likely talk about our purchasing policies, inventory control, and spending authorities, as well as our standard operating procedures and asset disposal."
"Is it something we should be worried about?" the Boss asks, sensing a faint aroma of liability.
"It depends what you mean by 'we.'"
[5]
...
"Can you just outline the purchasing policy for... replacement equipment?" one of the auditors asks, "as your SOP seems a little... murky."
"Sure," I explain. "Normally we'd replace a laptop, say, if it's ancient, broken AND out of warranty AND/OR if it's unable to perform the job for which it was purchased. So say a Beancounter wants a new laptop, he might say that the old one isn't running properly."
"At which point we'd ask him if the porn light is on," the PFY chips in.
"The porn light?"
"Yeah, the little light that indicates when the porn cache is full."
"The porn cache?"
"Yeah, the section of disk that isn't operating system or work documents."
"You mean the unused portion of the disk?"
"Yes, but this is a beancounter, so we just cut out the middleman and call it the porn cache," the PFY explains.
"We once called it the train picture cache, but then the beancounter turned out to have a train fetish, so again, we decided to stick with the original. Though it was a rather disturbing PowerPoint presentation..."
"Moving along," the auditor says. "What did you mean by 'unable to perform the job for which it was purchased'. Do you mean it can't be upgraded to Windows 11, it's too slow, or it's incompatible with modern software?"
"Some of the above. Often, it's just because the porn cache is full."
"And when you say a machine is ancient, how old are we talking?" he asks, after jotting down a note and underlining twice it in red pen – highlighting his ability to smell blood in the water.
"It depends where you are on the totem pole. If you're the Head Beancounter you can replace your laptop by 'upgrading' an underling with your 'old' machine. So 'ancient' could be 20 minutes after they get it out of the box and find that KP0 key isn't to their liking. Hell, they often want a replacement machine when their cordless mouse battery runs out. If you're on the bottom of the totem pole, though, you need all the criteria."
"All the criteria?"
"Yeah, your machine has to be ancient AND broken AND out of warranty AND unable to perform the job for which it was purchased. And preferably on fire."
"So with the exception of people who are – as you put it – at the top of the totem pole, it's fairly difficult to get a replacement machine?"
"Through the Purchasing Policy, yes. But through the Health and Safety Policy you could likely get one if your laptop keypad is giving you RSI. If you can make it about 'Workplace Wellness,' they'd probably approve a new machine if the color of the old one makes you feel sad. Wellness is such a nebulous field it's difficult to call bullshit on – even though everyone wants to. Even the Beancounter's boss."
[6]BOFH : Peeling back the layers of the magic banana industrial complex
[7]BOFH : Rerouting responsibility via firewall configs
[8]BOFH : The Boss meets the unbearable weight of innovation
[9]BOFH : HR tries to think appy thoughts
"So what, you'd buy him a new up-to-date machine?"
"It would definitely be new. We have a line on some New-Old-Stock Core 2 Duo machines that someone found in a shipping container and stuck on eBay. They probably have the battery life of a 1960s pacemaker, but when they're plugged in they work OK."
"Surely they'd send it back?"
"They could. But we warn them we also have a line on some Gen 1 Chromebooks. Or maybe they'd get a machine from the basement with excellent battery life because we crammed it with repurposed Galaxy Note 7 batteries. You can be sure they won't be taking that machine home."
"What about disposals?"
"Sale, skip, storage."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning we might erase them and sell them, chuck them in the skip, or put them in long-term storage."
"Chuck them in the skip?! What about data security?"
"We usually chuck them in the skip from the roof, though with solid state hard drives we're rethinking that."
"And what's 'long-term storage' about?"
"Oh, that's just some select machines, typically from the board members, heads of department, and auditors like yourself who require a temporary machine to be issued to them for the duration of the contract."
"Yes, but what happens to them?"
"We leave them in storage."
"And when do you take them out of storage?"
"Oh, usually only when there's an issue with my assistant or myself. You know, a laptop or phone replacement isn't approved, some issue with HR not approving our expenses claims, some damning audit report..."
"And... why would that help?"
"Because the porn light is on," the PFY chips in smugly.
[10]BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
Get our [12]Tech Resources
[1] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2aHDgthDJ-W9vbNGDMRrfLAAAAdQ&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2025/06/27/bofh_2025_episode_12/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2025/06/13/bofh_2025_episode_11/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2025/05/23/bofh_2025_episode_10/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2025/05/09/bofh_2025_episode_9/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
[11] http://www.bofharchive.com/
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
"But they keep coming to talk to you," he explains.
"They keep coming to talk to us because we're the ones at the coal face of the Company's IT purchasing policies," I reply. "We don't make the policies, we're just supposed to apply them in a way that doesn't result in an auditor's report with more notes than an experimental jazz session."
[1]
"What are you going to tell them?" he asks
[2]
[3]
"It depends on what they want to know."
"What do you think they want to know?"
[4]
"They'll likely talk about our purchasing policies, inventory control, and spending authorities, as well as our standard operating procedures and asset disposal."
"Is it something we should be worried about?" the Boss asks, sensing a faint aroma of liability.
"It depends what you mean by 'we.'"
[5]
...
"Can you just outline the purchasing policy for... replacement equipment?" one of the auditors asks, "as your SOP seems a little... murky."
"Sure," I explain. "Normally we'd replace a laptop, say, if it's ancient, broken AND out of warranty AND/OR if it's unable to perform the job for which it was purchased. So say a Beancounter wants a new laptop, he might say that the old one isn't running properly."
"At which point we'd ask him if the porn light is on," the PFY chips in.
"The porn light?"
"Yeah, the little light that indicates when the porn cache is full."
"The porn cache?"
"Yeah, the section of disk that isn't operating system or work documents."
"You mean the unused portion of the disk?"
"Yes, but this is a beancounter, so we just cut out the middleman and call it the porn cache," the PFY explains.
"We once called it the train picture cache, but then the beancounter turned out to have a train fetish, so again, we decided to stick with the original. Though it was a rather disturbing PowerPoint presentation..."
"Moving along," the auditor says. "What did you mean by 'unable to perform the job for which it was purchased'. Do you mean it can't be upgraded to Windows 11, it's too slow, or it's incompatible with modern software?"
"Some of the above. Often, it's just because the porn cache is full."
"And when you say a machine is ancient, how old are we talking?" he asks, after jotting down a note and underlining twice it in red pen – highlighting his ability to smell blood in the water.
"It depends where you are on the totem pole. If you're the Head Beancounter you can replace your laptop by 'upgrading' an underling with your 'old' machine. So 'ancient' could be 20 minutes after they get it out of the box and find that KP0 key isn't to their liking. Hell, they often want a replacement machine when their cordless mouse battery runs out. If you're on the bottom of the totem pole, though, you need all the criteria."
"All the criteria?"
"Yeah, your machine has to be ancient AND broken AND out of warranty AND unable to perform the job for which it was purchased. And preferably on fire."
"So with the exception of people who are – as you put it – at the top of the totem pole, it's fairly difficult to get a replacement machine?"
"Through the Purchasing Policy, yes. But through the Health and Safety Policy you could likely get one if your laptop keypad is giving you RSI. If you can make it about 'Workplace Wellness,' they'd probably approve a new machine if the color of the old one makes you feel sad. Wellness is such a nebulous field it's difficult to call bullshit on – even though everyone wants to. Even the Beancounter's boss."
[6]BOFH : Peeling back the layers of the magic banana industrial complex
[7]BOFH : Rerouting responsibility via firewall configs
[8]BOFH : The Boss meets the unbearable weight of innovation
[9]BOFH : HR tries to think appy thoughts
"So what, you'd buy him a new up-to-date machine?"
"It would definitely be new. We have a line on some New-Old-Stock Core 2 Duo machines that someone found in a shipping container and stuck on eBay. They probably have the battery life of a 1960s pacemaker, but when they're plugged in they work OK."
"Surely they'd send it back?"
"They could. But we warn them we also have a line on some Gen 1 Chromebooks. Or maybe they'd get a machine from the basement with excellent battery life because we crammed it with repurposed Galaxy Note 7 batteries. You can be sure they won't be taking that machine home."
"What about disposals?"
"Sale, skip, storage."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning we might erase them and sell them, chuck them in the skip, or put them in long-term storage."
"Chuck them in the skip?! What about data security?"
"We usually chuck them in the skip from the roof, though with solid state hard drives we're rethinking that."
"And what's 'long-term storage' about?"
"Oh, that's just some select machines, typically from the board members, heads of department, and auditors like yourself who require a temporary machine to be issued to them for the duration of the contract."
"Yes, but what happens to them?"
"We leave them in storage."
"And when do you take them out of storage?"
"Oh, usually only when there's an issue with my assistant or myself. You know, a laptop or phone replacement isn't approved, some issue with HR not approving our expenses claims, some damning audit report..."
"And... why would that help?"
"Because the porn light is on," the PFY chips in smugly.
[10]BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
[11]The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
Get our [12]Tech Resources
[1] https://pubads.g.doubleclick.net/gampad/jump?co=1&iu=/6978/reg_offbeat/bofh&sz=300x50%7C300x100%7C300x250%7C300x251%7C300x252%7C300x600%7C300x601&tile=2&c=2aHDgthDJ-W9vbNGDMRrfLAAAAdQ&t=ct%3Dns%26unitnum%3D2%26raptor%3Dcondor%26pos%3Dtop%26test%3D0
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[6] https://www.theregister.com/2025/06/27/bofh_2025_episode_12/
[7] https://www.theregister.com/2025/06/13/bofh_2025_episode_11/
[8] https://www.theregister.com/2025/05/23/bofh_2025_episode_10/
[9] https://www.theregister.com/2025/05/09/bofh_2025_episode_9/
[10] https://www.theregister.com/data_centre/bofh/
[11] http://www.bofharchive.com/
[12] https://whitepapers.theregister.com/
KittenHuffer
Just put a piece of duck tape over it!
Who-me
Or, if it's bright enough, you could turn the room lights off and save on the electricity bill!
disabling the porn lite...
newspuppy
First.. you must get some crapto.. then transfer to my crapto address: 1A1zP1eP5LowIQGefi2STEEL5SLmv7DfNa
Otherwise you may get a disk leak and your cash will be out in the public eye......
KittenHuffer
And I have to ask .... is it a big throbbing light? Or one of those cute little discrete ones?
KittenHuffer
And once you have you realise you'll just have a disabled porn light that is on.
You have to go to certain niche sites on the interwebs for that!
Korev
> My porn light is on. How do I disable it?
With an Angle Grindr
BBRush
There is only one way... ->
KP0 key ?
Anonymous Coward
Keep Porncache On ?
Silly me. This is a bean counter. It's apparently the key press code or some such for the numeric keypad's 0 key.
Doubtless that seductive little digit figures large in accountants' wet dreams.
Casts a whole new light on "double entry" accounting.
its nice.. To relax and enjoy
Brett Weaver
its nice.. To relax and enjoy an episode of the BOFH on a Friday
Michael H.F. Wilkinson
They probably have the battery life of a 1960s pacemaker, but when they're plugged in they work OK.
Brilliant!
My porn light is on. How do I disable it?